I can't find reason to stay

I don't know what wrong with me. Probably I'm in depression. I want to die for 4 years. I tried to kill myself by cutting the veins but the blood clotted, I swallowed the pills but did not die. I'm tired of these attempts but I still don't want to live. As far as I know it is fine if you're visitting a psychotherapist in the UK or USA for example. But I live in another country and this fact is something negative. It makes you crazy and a psycho. My mother doesn't know that I don't want to live. I can't tell about this because it isn't normal for our society. And I know she won't tell me to go to the doctor. She will be get angry.
So I'm alone with my thoughts. It hurts me. Every day begins the same way.
I'm no longer a child and I should solve problems independently but I'm going to the bottom.

P.S. Sorry if my English is not perfect.

Aly Salander
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are going through this right now. Is there any way you can see a doctor on your own without your mother? There are many on this forum who have felt similar to you, and there is hope and help, even if you just find it here, you in your own way are also helping someone as well as yourself. There is nothing wrong with seeing a doctor or psychologist, or taking medication if you need it. I know what you mean about the fear of judgement in the community. I live in Australia but am of Greek background so my community has similar views to yours. The bottom line is to put yourself first...you are important and you do matter. Try to do things you like, or used to like. Take care xxx

Your English is actually great :) Perhaps dedicating time to the what is making you feel this can help. My solutions had been to eat something yummy and doodle a silly cartoon so ridiculous I laughed even though I didn't want to. Then I thought of some good things like a funny person on TV and I laughed. Then I thought of some pranks in class and I laughed again. Then I thought of other things that made me happy like instrument playing and dancing and I laughed. And cried. But a happy crying. And I sat there and cried. But I was happy again. Try to think of something that made you happy ever. That helped me a ton. And you are still from what I can tell a smart kid. Even fake smiling helps people I've heard by the way. Laughing at yourself like an idiot somehow worked for me :P And you can talk to us! You're not alone kiddo.

barbimay ,
Thank you. I have decided to learn the price of the session of a psychologist and it turned out to be very expensive. I even thought I should have chosen this profession because I would become a wealthy lady :D. Now I know another reason why the people in our country so little visit these doctors.

iwanttobeok,
Thank you for your support. :)
Unfortunately if I feel bad I can't laugh or do something. Nothing works out. And I like so many things, for example, DIY (crocheting, embroidery), reading books and watching series but sometimes none of them is not a pleasure. It seems to me it does not matter. It's so awful. I'm tired. I just want to be a normal like everyone else. I see the difference between myself and people and it makes me sadder.

I have had a sort of disassociation before that made me feel a little like that, where I kind of feel numb and like in a dream. It can stem from constant anxiety/depression in general or even a traumatic incident that your brain wants to separate you from to try to help you get away from it. I tried doing fun things but my mind wandered into bad places and I was still stuck with the feeling. If I watched a show, no matter how much I liked it, every little thing would set my off, like a simple comment could be turned inside out in my head making me feel bad or worse. I felt like if only the feeling would go away I could actually enjoy what I was doing, as I knew I liked doing it. I heard it compared to a rain cloud that follows you everywhere. I saw people having a blast and I looked at myself and felt like I was a hospital patient brought to a pretty garden to watch young kids play - like I was missing out. Exercise helped me focus on not killing myself :P but it had to be one without a routine so my mind wouldn't wander. Perhaps your activities are too stationary and routine? Or maybe there could be something bothering you that your mind wants you to listen to but ignore at the same time if that makes sense.Or both.

I also found an online article on "themighty.com" called "That 'No Matter What' Depression" that might help.

Most of People get depression, and they want to die. The article is very good for those people. You share in this article about your bad time in your life and told when people get depression they needs a psychologist and a good doctor who gives proper treatment and wonderful thoughts according to situation. But most of needs parents and neighbor, and fiend circle , who motivate . Thanks for sharing.

Hey Aly and welcome :)

I've been away for a bit, so I've got a lot of catching up to do and will keep this short, but I hear you. You aren't alone with this even though it certainly feels that way a lot of the time.

I'm on a couple of different meds and STILL get bad anxiety/depression. The world is a huge mess at the moment but stick with us. My brother ODed (accidentally) on heroin in 2014 and I know he would come back if he could.

Take it easy..
Gypsy x