I Hate Socializing (RANT)

(There are questions at the bottom of the rant, in case you want to answer them.)

I don't exactly know why, but I've always been terrible in social situations. It is too difficult for me to think of something to say in a conversation, especially something interesting. I feel like if I don't say something interesting every time I open my mouth people won't care about what I have to say anymore. Sometimes I notice little details in a person's expression and actions that indicate they aren't paying attention or care, which makes me feel awful and embarrassed. It makes me think that I'm boring, and that there is something wrong with me. Everyone else can socialize properly, even the more shy people I know, so why is it that I am the one keeping everyone bored? Any time I think I did something wrong I feel my energy draining, and just being around other people makes me feel drained as well. Because of this I hate going outside, and now everyone is mad at me because I never want to do anything.

It is very difficult for me to have fun because my mind goes into what I call a "negative spiral." Even when I am genuinely having fun, just one thought can send me into a never ending cycle of miserable thoughts, and not only will it ruin my day but it will make me want to go home and act irritable like I usually am. Having fun is more of a challenge for me than just something to do in my spare time.

It almost feels like a miracle when I laugh on impulse rather than having to remind myself to laugh (it isn't that what I saw wasn't funny, I get the joke and everything. I just don't laugh that easily. It feels so random as to when I genuinely laugh or not.) I never really smile either, which might be another reason people don't like me. It seems like people don't like people that never smile.
I'm really strange when it comes to anger as well. Since I get angry really easily I am always terrified that someone will assume I am angry at them. I am almost always angry with myself, even for the smallest mistakes, and I don't want other people to think otherwise. When I get angry at myself (like when I lost a match in a sports game) I usually complain afterwards, because that is how I deal with my anger. When I complain it makes me feel a little better, even if it belittles myself (like right now.) I think people hate when I do this too because no one wants to hear you complain about your problems and when you act like a sore loser and a c*nt how can anyone like you?

Also related to anger, I feel I can really connect to people when I argue and debate with them (as long as they don't personally insult me. The last time someone did that I stopped talking to them altogether.) I just bring up a topic like abortion, for example, and we start really passionately talking about it. Those are the few moments I feel like I really connect to someone and, of course, no one want to do it. Nobody likes to argue about controversial topics because it makes them upset and they don't like feeling bad, they just want to have fun with their friends. I want to understand and respect that, but by doing so I feel like I've shut down any opportunity to get close to anyone. I talk about every generic topic with my friends and every moment we do I think to myself After high school I am never talking to you ever again. This conversation feels meaningless and is only passing some time. I know I'm being mean and selfish but I can't help it, I like learning about people through this method.

In a normal conversation I almost feel isolated from the rest of the world, and I feel no motivation to seek a deeper relationship. I feel like I might just have an unreasonable standard for friendship because of the shows I watch (constant conflict and moral lessons, arguments and drama, etc.) I don't just want a friend, I want someone dynamic, someone that I will actively seek to have a relationship with rather than someone I happen to have class with.

I also want them to be interested in me but I don't know how to fix myself so that I appear to be more appealing and worth someones time, and even then I know I wouldn't put the effort in to change for them.

I feel like a clown that is desperate for the attention of people at a birthday party, but they've seen all the tricks before. There are times when my mind says Quick! what do they want to hear? or How can I make this funny for them? Even worse, I need to remind myself to talk about something other than myself (I think I talk too much about myself so I have to stop, remind myself of what I'm doing, then ask them about themselves. I feel like such an a-hole afterwards.

This is just a random addition, but I have noticed that I feel uncomfortable with physical contact. Even with my own mother, it makes me uncomfortable to have my personal space bubble invaded. I always get in a worse mood when someone bumps into me in the hall, or if their bag is leaning against mine. If they are standing too close, if they are trying to move forward when there is CLEARLY no space to move, if their arm brushes up against mine, etc. It is incredibly annoying when a stranger does it, but if someone I know well does it I find it more tolerable. It is even weirder because when I imagine being in a relationship (or when I'm feeling terrible) I imagine lots of hugging, which I don't tolerate from my own family. It is pretty weird.

I'd like to think that I haven't been very close with anyone because I haven't found a complementary personality, but I don't think that is how it is supposed to work. You have to work with the people that are around you instead of waiting for someone better (I guess I just hate compromise.)

Anyways, that is the end of my long rant (for now.) I kinda hope this becomes a regular thing, like an online diary or something. It feels like a relief to let all of this out (since I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.) If you've made it this far, can you please answer me this:

-Are friends supposed to listen to each other's problems, or can/should they stay out of their friend's personal problems?

-What can a friendship do that a therapist can't? (I am losing the importance of friendship right now.)

Thank you, merci beaucoup and all that jazz.

I agree with you on several of your observations. As for your questions....

-Are friends supposed to listen to each other's problems, or can/should they stay out of their friend's personal problems?

It's always a judgment call, but the important thing is that when a friend asks for help, you listen to them. Otherwise I tend to mind my own business.


-What can a friendship do that a therapist can't?

The friend won't charge you money to listen. I'm not really sold on friends or therapists, to be honest.

Personally; my goal is to be a happy/content loner.

Anxiety can inhibit nearly all natural behaviour. In a real anxiety provoking situation you're not gonna be thinking about laughing on impulse or what to say - real being a bear chasing you etc! Honestly I didn't read the whole thing because I get the just of what you're saying I I've been/go through the same thing. Once anxiety is cured you will go back to your true, normal personality. How you're feeling/acting at the moment is not representative of the person you actually are, just keep that in mind at all times.

This doesn't answer all of your thoughts and questions, but when it comes to talking to people without boring them, remember: People love to talk about themselves. Pretend you're a talk show host and just ask things about the other person, about their life, their interests, their work, their hobbies. This is something I learned from the book "How to talk to anyone" by Leil Lowndes. A very helpful read, if you ask me.