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The loop
Hello everyone, cheer up! Your panic attacks and anxiety will go eventually or reduce to minimal level.
That was just a statement and a conclusion I've made after the first panic attacks happened and anxiety kicked in. It has been 8 months now, trough cognitive therapy and some sub-dose medication I've managed to overcome all panic attacks in the first 2 months and reduce anxiety to nothing compared to the anxiety I had 6 months ago. I'm still taking Elicea 10mg (escilatopramum) and im off the sedatives like Loram(2.5mg divided in two halves a day) and Ansilan(10mg/ 2 capsules a day) for two months now or so.
In this post, beside the intro, I wanted to ask a question. I am aware that the question cannot be fully answered since, every single person has its own perception of the world, and experience things different than others, and feel different about it's surroundings. What happens next, it has been 9 months living a bit different life (its not the same after the panic attacks, it changes you and makes you more aware of things, more frightened about things u haven't been afraid before), what do you do when you end up believing you are stuck in a endless loop of getting up at morning, do almost the same things every day and waiting to go out, drink some with friends and go back to bed? I mean this is what humanity have been doing since its existence, you get up, follow certain pattern of things to do, go to bed. It's totally okay and understandable, I get it, but why am I the one who thinks this is bad or worth being worried about? Why my buddy from across the street doesn't mind doing the things he does everyday and he is cheerful as always ? Why I still cant find joy in life as it is?
Don't get me wrong, it has been 9 months now, I'm almost free of anxiety and I haven't had a full episode of panic attacks for 7 months, and near panic attack episode for 1-2 months now. But this boredom and mild depression I believe I'm experiencing lately doesn't let me make a full recovery of the "thing" I lived through ! And this sickness most of us on this forum had is not to be taken that easy, on the opposite, even if your doctors told you that panic attacks and anxiety combined with depression are not much of a big deal, I know for those who passed through such condition, it was very stressful and nightmarish.
So back at the question ; Why am I so afraid to live the life as it is after all this shit happened to me? Why even after this long period and feeling like I'm almost free, this loop of daily boredom keeps me in the same position, not letting me move forward? Why can't I just enjoy a simple life?
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First off congratulations on your recovery!
Second I know the exact feeling you are describing. At some points in the past I wondered wtf I was doing here.
The only two things that ever managed to curb that for me was finding a purpose and going to church. I never push my religion on anyone but since I have been going to church for the last year that feeling has subsided immensely. I also read a book called 40 days of purpose which is basically explaining why life makes no sense without god and he makes some very valid points (to me at least)
I lived 23 years of my life as an atheist and I had no problems with it. With that being said 1 year of religion has improved my anxiety and depression twice as much as 23 years on the other side ever did.
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it sounds to me like you're being hyper-cautious because you have found a pattern for recovery after a very painful period. And you're afraid if you deviate from your pattern you'll slip back into the pain of chronic anxiety.
that's a rational response and makes perfect sense that the mind would work that way. but there's another part of you that craves EXPERIENCE. you want to dive into life and live it, but your cautious, frightened self is preventing you from taking chances.
maybe try designing some deliberate challenges to your safe routine. you can stay safe by taking small steps. don't confront all your fears at once, but pick one and challenge yourself by doing something that inspires you and brings you pleasure, but that also seems a little risky, a little unsettling.
after you do it, and you are fine, it will be easier to do the next one, and in this way you'll work flexibility back into your life and less of that "safe but bored" feeling.
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