My anxiety changed me.

Okay, this is going to be long because I want to let out things as much as possible. So if you're not going to read atleast most of it, please don't even bother.

Hi, I'm 13 years old and I'm going to tell you in depth my anxiety story. You can read a TLDR down there if you don't want to read all of this but I really don't recommend it because you won't get anything.

It all started one night when loud rain and a thunderstorm woke me up. These things never bothered me or if they did it was probably very mild or it was just annoying and I would usually go back to sleep. However, this time it was completely different. It was one of the loudest rains I've ever heard and for the first time I started to feel intense fear, danger, shaking, sweating, coldness, shortness of breath, heart beating faster and most of all the feeling I was about to DIE. I felt the sudden urge to escape and get up from my bed, I couldn't stay still. I started walking around the apartment and this woke my parents up, they asked me what was I doing and I lied saying I was going to the bathroom. I couldn't let them see me like this cause I knew my mom would start to freak out and yell. So I was in the bathroom trying to calm myself down having no idea what the fuck was happening. I didn't even know what a panic attack was or how it even looked like. Eventually my mom caught me shaking and she started asking me what's wrong with me and I said it was because of the terrifying weather. She said I was overreacting and told me she would send me to a therapist if I didn't stop. (She said it pretty angrily.) I didn't want trouble so I just went back to my bed and kept staring at the wall for half an hour scared as fuck. It was the worst time of my life, every second I just wanted it to be over. Somehow I fell asleep (I don't really remember how.)

The next few days I was so anxious about what happened to me and I was so confused. I started having trouble swallowing food, which never ever happened before. I just kept chewing the food feeling like I forgot how to swallow and fearing that I would choke on the food. I never choked on anything so that was unusual to me. I could eat but I started eating less and started to fear food (don't take it the wrong way, I absolutely love food, I just couldn't swallow it, there was like a mental block.) In fear of thinking what the hell is happening to me, I started to research panic attacks, anxiety, swallowing problems, fear of weather, literally any problem and fear I had. Only then did I start learning what anxiety and panic attacks were and that all what I felt was normal, common and that I wasn't alone. I felt better, because I finally understood what happened to me.

But after a few days telling myself I was fine and that I had nothing to worry about, another night started my second panic attack for a second reason. Heart attacks. I layed in bed feeling my heart beating which I shouldn't be, and my mind just started thinking: "OMG You're having a heart attack! You're going to die! You're not fine after all." All of the symptoms from my first panic attack showed up again and I called my mom saying I was having a heart attack and that I was dying. This time she was nice and calmed me down by completely ignoring what I said and just started distracting me with watching something on TV and making jokes. Surprisingly I calmed down and I started to get sleepy and fell asleep. Time passed by and I didn't have a panic attack ever since. (Atleast not mild ones.) I still had anxious thoughts, and each of them was a specific fear. I noticed I started to fear almost everything and always thought about everything that could go wrong. I realized I was not myself anymore, I'm not the relaxed, rarely crying and not highly emotional old me I know.

Then I heard of ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) which helped me so much. I really recommend this to many anxiety sufferers, trust me it's really effective. (Just google it, this thread is already long enough.) My anxiety is reduced, I still have it, but way less. I also eat normally now. But there are a few things left. The feeling that I changed is still here and I sometimes get depressed because I just want things to go back to normal. I want to feel ME again. But I just don't feel that, and I feel like I lost a huge part of myself. Basically I have this subconscious unsafety that I never had before. There are 3 more main things that are blocking my way to almost full recovery. But I will make specific threads for those.

TLDR:Anxiety started by loud rain and thunderstorms, 2 panic attacks, swallowing food problems, hypochondria, started to fear and catastrophize things, started doing ERP, reduced anxiety, I still don't feel like myself anymore.

Hi and welcome :)

I actually read the whole thing! 13 is pretty young to be experiencing this but I do know what you mean about wanting to feel like yourself again. That was sort of why I took to alcohol and things like benzos - they were the thing that made me feel "normal". I won't pretend I'm 100% sober now either and still take stuff to feel like what I think is "myself" or "normal". I certainly don't advise using chemicals as a solution, although there is a belief that some people are born with certain chemicals lacking in the brain and that's why they turn to drugs/alcohol.

Anyway, I've read quite a few posts by people saying they just want to feel like themselves again and that anxiety has changed them. I guess we just want to feel like our relaxed selves. Thanks for sharing your story.. I hope you find it helpful here.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

Hey xUnknown I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this stuff so young. Im glad you found something that is helping you!

I have a 14 year old brother who gets panic attacks too. When he can't sleep he has a panic attack and sometimes my mother has to sleep with him. You are not alone.

Have you heard of cognitive behavioural therapy? Exposure and Response prevention are two smaller parts of CBT I believe. It is definitely helpful. Look up Ecouch.com it is a great free website for those kinds of exercises and information.

Kudos to both of you for reading my story. :) Yes, I know I'm pretty young to be dealing with these things but I am already exposed to a lot of things in the world so no wonder I have anxiety. I also do some things that I did before I became an anxious person. Like play nostalgic games, listen to nostalgic music, watch shows I like or even watch videos of myself in my "normal" state. Those things also make me feel "normal" again but only short-term. Well, I'm 13 so I don't do anything harmful, but I don't know if what I'm doing is exactly right. I have heard of CBT but haven't looked completely into it. I'll research a bit about it, thanks! :)

You seem very intelligent and well spoken for your age :)

I actually have memories of anxiety and insomnia as early as about 6yo. It didn't fully show itself (in the form of constant panic) until I was 19 but I was already drinking a lot and taking pills to try and subdue it. Luckily it's becoming better understood and accepted now but I think they (the medical profession) still have a hell of a way to go.

Anyway, you do sound older than your years :)

Oh thanks, haha. Yeah usually when I tell people I'm 13 they think I'm some stupid 13 year old kid who isn't supposed to be taken seriously. That's why I sometimes lie about my age age (online). I don't blame them though, there's a reason why stereotypes exist, but not everyone is the same.

I can understand your apprehension in telling your age people can be naive. Fact is anxiety can affect anyone just like depression. It doesn't matter if you are 10 or 97 we are in the same boat and we could all use some help.