Worsening panic disorder with very real physical effects
I couldn't access the introductions thread, so I'll briefly intro myself here.
Hi! My name is Kevin. I started having panic attacks three years ago almost exactly, suddenly after what I assume was a response to very mild stimulant use. After the second attack, I quickly recognized that this was going to be an ongoing problem and was devastated and frightened.
Almost as quickly as I started getting panic attacks, I learned about them, found out my health was fine, and started managing them. It wasn't easy- I would often duck into quiet areas like restrooms to let the adrenalin flow out and calm myself- but it would normally be over in five minutes with very little aftermath- perhaps a bit of a tired spell that would end as the day progressed.
For two years after, I had become very familiar with my symptoms as they were almost always the same, as well was the severity and duration of the attacks. I continued to work, socialize, drive- I even continued to do the heavier social functions like parties, nights out in crowded areas and sit down dinners with friends. It was like I just had my same life with a minor complication and less caffeine.
At two and a half years, everything had changed. Drastically. I had first noticed it completely when I had visited friends for a few weeks last August (2015). 8 hours from home, but very familiar both in location and people. These are friends I love and trust to the bone, and I'm completely comfortable around them. While visiting, I was having constant, uncontrollable panic attacks with very long and torturous onset. I would feel the threat of a panic attack for sometimes hours, and it would inevitably happen leaving me helpless, and often repeating in strings for an hour or two. It was actually physically painful to have so many panic attacks in a row, in such duration. My body was wracked from the tension and my mind was gone from all of the adrenalin. It kept me from going out and even kept me from my friends as I just needed to be alone for a while at least once a day, praying it would just go away and let me enjoy my company. This led to a feeling of desperation- the first time I had felt it since my first week having panic attacks.
That fall, I decided to get professional help. I started seeing a social worker for talk therapy. It started well enough, as I was new to therapy and didn't know what to expect. Soon after, I sort of felt it wasn't working for me. I didn't have any deep issues- just panic attacks. In fact, my family life is very loving and supportive. I was hoping for more constructive techniques to help quell my panic attacks, but all I felt I was paying for was idle conversation about my last attack. I was still pretty bad- frequent attacks that would now also happen while I was driving, would be harsh and long lasting compared to my prior years, and agoraphobia that was keeping me from social duties and friends. It wasn't long before it was also keeping me from work, which leads to what I see as a big mistake, for me personally....
I got in a rush at this point. I just wanted my life back- even the one I had just months prior with panic attacks that were manageable. I visited a psychiatrist in a wish to "try" medication. My doctor promptly prescribed 10mg Lexapro. Now, I know AD meds help some people, but they turned my panic into insanity, my fatigue into exhaustion, my sleep into waking desperation, and my mild depression into a hopeless black hole of apathy. I told the doc I wasn't feeling the effect was good, and he assured me this was normal and to give it longer. Second month, same convo. It never got better. All of my symptoms seemed to worsen and the side effects were harsh and unbearable. I had contemplated suicide like it was nothing. Never attempted, but I was frightened how easy it was to ponder it without even trying. By the end of month 3, I demanded to be tapered off. Instead, I was put on a low dose of Prozac for a month and cut cold turkey. This was in April.
I have not felt like myself since. I have gone through stages of mental anguish and physical discomfort that I attribute directly to AD meds and their withdrawal effects. In fact, it has now been 3 months since my last pill and I still have symptoms that have gotten so physical that I now have health anxiety.
Let me preface this by stating, I'm very familiar with the tension and rush of a panic attack, the racing heart, the chest wall pain, and the exhaustion afterward. That way you don't simply assume that I'm bloating the idea of normal aftereffects of a panic attack.
So, shortly after quitting meds, I started becoming lightheaded all day with poor balance. I was also having odd sensations in my forehead, eyes and ears, and my vision had become- and still is- slightly doubled and blurry all day long, sort of that "underwater" or "behind glass" effect that panic can give you- but now it's all day, even when I'm calm. I also started having days where I felt very normal. Not like manic "I feel GREAT", but extraordinarily well to the point that I could imagine socializing, driving and even working. Fir me, that was a great feeling because I haven't felt that at ease for months. Well, I started noticing that I may feel that well for a day or evening, but it would always be shattered by intense bouts of panic and anxiety the next day, that would often take 2 or 3 days to calm from. I live with my parents again, and it would get so bad if often try to control or accept it, only to have it get so overwhelming by night that I would wake my mother just to have somebody calm me- I could no longer calm myself. I also noticed that although the description of a panic attack would be the same, but it would somehow feel new and more intense suddenly- which is very frustrating because I can't describe to anybody HOW they feel different or more powerful- I just know they do. They've gone from scary to terrifying and unfamiliar.
On top of this, I was starting to get symptoms I saw as increasingly neurological. The vision was slightly doubled, the dizziness and fatigue were getting out of hand, and my left arm and hand were getting weak, shaky, uncoordinated, slower moving and slightly numb occasionally. I went into real health fear here. I've never felt anything like this. I was struggling to get on Medicaid as I was uninsured at this point, but I somehow managed to get an MRI of my head and start seeing a neurologist. Unfortunately, I'm not seeing him for any kind of results for another few weeks- which is lining me because anticipation is a huge source of my anxiety, as is the helpless feeling of not knowing about my health.
Now, fast forward to two weeks ago. I had a strange event. My parents (who I live with) went away for 12 days. I was alone. For the first 3 days, I was fine. Just taking it easy and watching movies/playing games. The next day, I felt squeezing pressure IN my chest (not ON it, as I said I'm familiar with chest wall pain). I didn't make a huge deal of it initially, but it kept happening. A few hours later, my left arm started hurting- I know I was having odd sensations for weeks at this point, but my left arm was now aching in concert with inner chest squeezing. This, of course, triggered an instant and powerful panic attack. Now, with these sensations, my heart is racing and beating HARD. I tried to calm myself but the evidence that it was a cardiac problem was overwhelming and I didn't want to mess around. I called my brother who lives close, and he came to make sure I was okay. After a bit I calmed and was severely exhausted. My brother decided to stay over to make sure I was okay. He slept. I didn't. Could not sleep until 6 or 7 am (which is actually normal for me now anyway, even though I had inched to around 3 or 4 am before that). The next morning, I woke early with a tooth ache. I have some dentistry waiting to be done, so this isn't atypical. However, I couldn't resume sleep. I had gotten 3 hours at most. The day went on and I thought I was fine. Sometime around 1 pm, it happened again. Sudden chest pressure and squeezing, arm aching in unison and now tooth pain. I called my brother and we went straight to the ER.
EKG, blood tests and chest X-ray were all passed, and I was released. This sounds good, but I can assure all it did was confuse me. Now, many people don't know this, but an EKG is not a definitive test for a heart attack. A blood test can be a good test, but it isn't definitive and can even completely miss a cardiac event if taken too early (both tests were done within 3 hours of the event, and it typically takes 6 hours for heart damage enzymes to show in blood). Chest X-rays really only tell you if the heart is enlarged, not if there is damage to the heart or arteries, so that's anything but definitive. The reason I sound so skeptical is, I felt reassured when I left the ER, but I haven't felt better yet. It's been almost 2 weeks and my chest feels sore on the inside all day, all of my muscles are weak, my fatigue can put me in a stupor every day since, I can barely get out of bed after waking and keep falling back sleep, and my chest still has squeezing pressure inside. In fact, it's also getting harder to breathe.
