Anyone ever heard of or experienced this type of anxiety?
Hi guys
I'm new to this forum, but anything but new to anxiety. I'm 38 years old, and have had it all my life. I don't know how the world looks without anxiety, I don't know exactly the person I would be without anxiety. On a scale from 0-10 where 10 is happy, I would say I have been reaching about 7 in my best periods. That is happy to me. I have an ok life, as long as I don't run into periods where it runs out of control, it does, sometimes a few weeks, sometimes a few months, and sometimes it goes up and down drastically on a daily basis.
I'm a different person when it's bad. I'm pretty fun and outgoing when it's fair, but there are still things I can't get into even in the best periods like relationsships. I keep them short, I don't want people around me 24/7. In the best periods I have a completely different view of life than when it's bad. It's like I get into a bubble when it's bad. I can't think straigt, I don't love, I don't have any other feelings inside than anxiety. But I'm completely rational about it. I know it's not me or not the real world, but I still can't get rid of it by the root, and the fear of getting even worse is pumping around in my mind, even though I try not to think and just leave it be. I don't know what exactly makes it better or worse. The last couple years has been extremely up and down, all the time. It's like the brain remember the many different feelings of anxiety. I have like 20 different feelings of anxiety. Sometimes I can feel like, oh, this is how I felt in 7th grade. Then I suddenly gets into that world, and remember how difficult it was, and things I experienced. I just forgot about them in better periods, because I don't see it when it's good. The problem doesn't exist, because it's not bad life events that causes it. So the anxiety makes a bad situation look fun, interesting, exciting etc instead of terrible in good periods, and I won't understand why I would feel that way. It pisses me off sometimes, it frustrates me other times, but I usually just try to leave it alone, and do what ever I can when I can.
The difference from me to many others I read about, is that mine starts from the inside. Usually when I read about others, they have events in life that caused or increased their anxiety. Not me. There can be an event I can't go to, a party or somethinng else, because the anxiety is really bad. The week after, it can be quite a bit better, and I go to events I didn't the week before.
My brain is like a big tool-box of different kinds of anxious feelings. If I et into a stabile period of a few months, it can take years before I get into a hole. I still don't know what triggers it, but like I said, it's been real unstabile the last couple years. Big part of it is insecurity/uncertainty. I don't sit and force it on purpose, but it's like my brain is really sensitive with these ups and downs, so it won't take much to get much worse during a day, or better during a day.
I have tried a lot of things. Many types of anti-anxiety medications, mindfullness, cognitive therapy etc. I had a little break-through when I had a brain-map made about a year ago. It showed I have some frequenzees in my brain that doesn't work as they should. Now I'm using small electrodes on my brain, a method called tDCS. Time will tell if it helps, but it hasn't been very efficient sofar. It could be that I need to place then differently, it's this path I will continue working on anyway. The map also showed, that talking about it and medication probably won't make any difference. That is also what I experienced during the years. It's like something physical in the brain that has a strong psychological impact. Some anxiety at the root, and then it mentally gets better or worse because of fear of my own anxiety.
In the better periods I have travelled the world. I have build a small company that is setup in a way that works with my condition. I have friends and had a few flings, but no real relationsships. That is an area my anxiety keeps me from doing. I don't feel close enough to anyone for a longer relationship because of the anxiety.
I don't feel like a "victim". I have had it for so long, it's just part of life, and sometimes I have to say no to things. Just the way it is. What I do know is that I'm stubborn as hell, I think that has saved my life :).
I would like to get to a point where I feel life really begins. I'm working on it, and I have some things I have to test in the future and see if it works. I hope one day I will get there. But is there anyone out there that has experienced or heard of anything like this, and found something efficient treatment? My guess is that it will be something alternative, along the line what I already started perhaps. I thought about hypnosis as well, but I doubt that I can into the right mode with this condition and get relaxed enough to go there, but it's an option when I'm in a good period.
I'm sorry, even for other people suffering from anxiety, this must sound pretty confusing, but that is exactly how it is, and it's really hard to explain so it makes sense.
