Help! Crossroads have left me stuck with Analysis Paralysis!

Hi All

I need some help, my anxiety/chronic stress and depression tendency has taken over my life, my head has been a pickle for months and I can’t stop it.

I apologise for the length of this but if someone has the time to take in the situation that would be really appreciated. I'm at a real loss as to what to do.

I’m 29 and everything is going wrong. Love. Career. Financial. Social and location.

Partly a huge panic due to still having nothing figured out and approaching 30. I’ve been essentially in the quarter-life crisis for a few years now. It’s driving me nuts.

My relationship of 4 years is breaking down, we have been living apart for 4 months and I am in the process of moving out, of which I’m really not sure this is what I want. Partly because I can’t bear being back at my parents (although only temporary) I feel there is no way out on top of feeling like a child again (they are kind and supportive but I’m 29…). I won’t go back to him and the home as I feel trapped in the town we moved to with no prospects (given my career pickle this will not do me any favours). I have always wanted bigger, bright city lights, to live in London, which was my plan, until I met him. I put my life on hold it feels now, for love.

The relationship was tough, fell head over heels immediately, then a month into the relationship his Dad passed away. I supported him unconditionally allowing space, comfort - whatever he needed at that awful time. As any human would do.

We moved into a place together 6 months later (both wanting to get out of our current arrangements) and we thought it would be fun and were in love. Throughout the 4 years we were together, he developed an eating disorder, self esteem issues and gradually became more and more withdrawn from me. During this time he was also qualifying to be a lawyer which took all his energy and focus. He was never really ‘into’ me sexually and as a result my self esteem has dwindled to nothing (I was the fun loving, passionate, confident girl). I am also prone to low mood, so annoyingly negativity fed negativity within an isolated environment.

The subsequent year following his Aunt passed, followed by his Grandad the our third year together. (There were also lots of births to balance the tragedies).

We have/had no friends near us other than work colleagues and our families were in opposite directions (hence the half way house of semi-rural location).

Now we are apart I feel the time I should have been building a career and future for myself I devoted to him. And now feel left with nothing. I have no idea how to move forward.

He has offered to try and fix things, he says he owes me, wants to make everything up to me, but how can I be sure I won’t end up getting hurt again. Or take another risk to be left in my 30’s with nothing? I’m not sure I trust him, as he’s said all this before.

I feel I need to be bold and just leave, but with no job lined up in London this is risky, and I could only cover a month’s rent realistically with no job.

I have always wanted to live in London or be dramatic and following in my brother’s shoes of moving abroad and now having serious regrets about not taking the plunge sooner, I fear I am leaving it all too late and have missed out on so much - travelling and general life experience due to feeling stuck. I feel I’m turning into someone I do not know anymore. I see all my friends having the time of their lives and I’m a 29 year old recluse. Making the anxiety worse, and me wanting to withdraw not to be a burden (and people are sick of me not able to make up my mind as to what I want).

I feel so alone and just want my spark and love for life back.

Do I just take the plunge and quit my job I’m not happy with and hope for the best? But potentially loose everything if it all goes wrong?

I have never been able to make my mind up on my career, and in hindsight have possibly done the wrong degree and not having trained as something I have therefore always struggled and gone for roles below my capabilities. (Partly self esteem and partly just not being in the ‘know’ about work life - I’m a creative, who when took at job at a law firm, the realities of life become apparent and living a hedonistic life would not pay my bills!)

In a effort to achieve a 'profession', I applied for a PGCE to become a teacher, of which I got a place (should be the answer no?!) but I’m so unsure on teaching profession. The huge student debt I will get into and I’m not even sure if I want to be a teacher. I’m sure I would make a great one, but I’m not sure the school environment is for me. And given the state of the British education system mixed with my anxiety I’m not sure I could cope. It would however give me a career and a ticket to work abroad one day, but right at the time I’d want to start a family...

I am in love (I think clouded judgement perhaps) but he has bought a house where I do not want to live. (Very cut off with no social interaction and no prospects - not a young/middle age vibe at all). Although he has said after a year would look at renting it out and moving on. But he is one to say a lot and things never transpire.

He is 9 years older than me (38) and is looking to start a family in the next few years, whilst I am attempting to sort my career. I am not ready for (financially or mentally) that yet and I am scared of being alone when I am older.

I’m scared and stuck with analysis paralysis feeling like a failure. Literally every moment of every day is taken up by this and I see no way out. My work is suffering and how I’m even managing to do my job (and apparently relatively well) is beyond me. Every morning is a struggle for me to get out of bed and drag my ass along the same road I used to as a child, embarrassed to be back in this town, seeing those who’ve done nothing with their lives and now I have no direction. I feel I'm letting my family and myself down. I am a perfectionist which is partly the problem, and i continually move my goal posts - I'll be happy when I achieve things etc - another failure from the schooling system!

I’m exhausted. As you are probably reading this now...

Any advice?

Thanks so much

"I am in love (I think clouded judgement perhaps) but he has bought a house where I do not want to live"

I think unfortunately then your relationship is probably over. I am not in anyway trying to seem mean or condescending, but you have almost completely decided that you have no interest in living there.

I have always valued career as being more important than personal stuff, I would say be really careful taking the plunge and diving into a new career because your income is very important. It doesn't sound like you are happy though.

I hope things turn around for you, or that the direction you find yourself headed in is the right one.