A last resort- Please someone tell me i'm not alone in this :(

Ok, I don't do forums or anything like this but i've run out of options now so this is an attempt to try and reason with myself!
This is a lengthy one, sorry!

I am undiagnosed but I have suffered with anxiety and possibly OCD since I was a kid. We used to call them "guilt phases" where I would become incredibly depressed and upset about something I had done and I would obsess about it until I came clean to my mum which sometimes took months. I also remember lying awake at my dad's house (seperated parents) when I was about 8-9yrs old, panicking in case I killed one of my family members or myself... I couldn't go near plug sockets in case I stuck my fingers in them to kill myself (kid logic!). This passed in my early teen years and everything went back to normal so we put it down to a phase.

Recently however, it's come back and it's much much worse.

When I started uni, I was terrified of moving away, as everyone is. When I eventually got there, I loved every minute of it and I was so happy. When I came home for Christmas that year, I was sitting at home, on cloud 9 and was just flicking through facebook. As usual it was full of provocative pictures and I noticed that this gave me what I have found on google to be a "groinial response". I had a massive panic attack there and then thinking I was a lesbian. I am not homophobic and nor are any of my family or friends. I have always had crushes on guys throughout my whole childhood and so this was news to me! This panic ran away with me and lasted for 2 years!! I would panic day and night at the thought that I was a lesbian. I spoke to my mum about it and she confirmed that it is just the anxiety, which calmed me for a time. It then progressed so the groinial response just became a fear reaction. Now, if I think anyone looks nice, I get the response, which sends floods of panic through me. But there is no emotional attachment, just a physiological response.

I now have a boyfriend who I am very happy with. We have been together nearly 2 years and we're having a great time. When I first started going out with him, all the panic attacks went away and I was happy. I was back at home for a year on a gap year at the time and everything was great. I have since returned to uni and I see him frequently. But, again, before Christmas, all the panic came back.

I know I do love my boyfriend even if I can't feel it at the moment- he is the nicest man, he's handsome, intelligent, loving, funny and i'm so incredibly proud of his achievements.
I have been panicking in case I don't love him and that I have to break up with him. I can't seem to feel any sort of love feelings for anyone and its terrifying me. The thought of breaking up with him tears me apart but at the same time seems like the way out of the panic. I never felt like this before the anxiety and I was very happy with him. Now every time we talk about even the near future, I panic and just think "I might not be with you then" which I hate. I panicked in case I fancied someone else and would cheat on him. I also panic that I might physically harm people (don't worry I never have or will, its just worrying over the prospect) or myself.

I also seem to suffer with OCD- It always seems to be based around the traces of other people- For example, we all have our own hand towels at uni and if I touch someone else's and don't wash my hands, my brain translates that to "you're a freak, you are keeping that person on your hand, now you are going to bed- you must love them"... which I know is completely and utterly mental!! I often laugh at myself amidst the frustration! I also think that if I don't do things a certain way, its symbolic- for example if I don't do things the way my boyfriend recommends or suggests, that means I don't love him...?!?!

I can't talk to my boyfriend- he is the sweetest person, but he and his family aren't very emotional and he will never have dealt with anything like this. He would be really hurt if I started telling him all of that and wouldn't even start to understand. I want to tell him everything and give him an explanation as to why I keep acting so weirdly (I have started to avoid a lot of situations to avoid anxiety) and why I snap so much.

As I am to and fro from uni, I am not in one place long enough to receive constant therapy and so I have to wait until uni is over, but I am really struggling to cope, so I just wondered if there was anyone else out there that has had similar experiences, just so I don't feel like i'm going mad! :)

It is just the anxiety. You don't have to worry about the worrying to lose someone, because you don't live entirely your relation in this case. Your boyfriend loves you, and you love him. You will never cheat on him because your fears of losing him are the demonstrations you love him truly. And you are not even lesbian.

So, just let these thoughts go and live entirely your life with your boyfriends without being scared of loving him and demonstrating your love.

Hey TheIrrationalWomble,

A quiz for the presence of OCD is at http://www.ocdla.com/OCDtest.html or www.adaa.org/Public/selftest_OCD.htm or Google online quizzes for OCD.

OCD is an anxiety spectrum disorder, and the obsessions and compulsions are a way of avoiding, or coping with it, so; treat the underlying anxiety effectively, replacing your habit with the EFT, below.

It's important to regularly monitor, and deal with a negative internal monologue (self talk), or mental process, such as disturbing thoughts, images, impulses, or emotions, by the process of (a): recognising it, and (b): challenging it immediately. Technique For Re-Programming Negative Thoughts: When you notice something negative, such as: "I can't do this/ am never going to get over this!" or: "Why am I always so pathetic/useless/such a loser?" or even an image, emotion, or a memory; recognise that it is being generated from the negative part of your mind. Having identified and labelled it, visualise a large, red, flashing, "STOP!" sign, and/or possibly a stern faced person wagging an index finger at you in a negative manner, then say to yourself as forcefully as you can, even aloud in a big voice, if alone: "I know this tactic: GO AWAY FOR A WHILE !!!" You may want to use either: "ruse", "ploy", "game", or "trick". In the case of an image, visualise a large "STOP" sign, or your preferred version. Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don't regard it as being strictly necessary.

Remember to remove it, afterwards, if you use this method. Practice a relaxation method, daily, and when needed, such as: (free) http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mind...Meditation.htm or http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate or Yoga Nidra Tai Chi, yoga, or Qi Gong suits others better. Give acupressure tapping / EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. * http://eft.mercola.com Use the searchbar at http://www.mercola.com "EFT therapists" and/or see the 13 free videos at http://www.tapping.com - There is a version for use in public places*, (if anyone asks, you can claim to have a headache, as you massage/lightly tap your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I sometimes suffer from obsessions/compulsions, I deeply and completely accept myself."

A free E course in CBT for anxiety is at: http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome Books: Coping With OCD: Practical Strategies for Living Well With Obsessive-compulsive Disorder by Bruce M., Ph.D. Hyman and Troy Dufrene, & Overcoming Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Client Manual: A Behavioral and Cognitive Protocol for the Treatment of OCD (Best Practices Series) by Gail Steketee, & Confronting the Bully of OCD: Winning Back Our Freedom One Day at a Time by Linda Maran, from your bookstore, or amazon.com.

Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which you are better able to communicate with your subconscious mind; view http://myfavoriteinterests.com/hypnosis/ about what it is, and isn't. 85% of people are suggestible to some degree; 15% - 20% highly so, and 15% - 20% aren't much at all, so you could either preferably seek professional hypnotherapy, or, if not an option, http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com has: Conquer Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ocd) Hypnosis CD or MP3, or: http://www.instant-hypnosis.com Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), & Quiet the Voices Within, or: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com Stop Obsessive Thoughts , OCD Treatment , Stop Obsessive Compulsive Cleaning , Stop Obsessive Checking, Improve Impulse Control, & Overcome Fear and Anxiety, or: (free) at: http://www.freehypnosistreatment.com - anxiety.

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Types of OCD – Washers & Cleaners
Sufferers of this type of OCD have an obsession with contamination. Their irrational fear of being contaminated by germs leads them to compulsively avoid or remove all possible contaminants.

Their obsessions have to do with germs, viruses, and dirt that put them in danger of getting some disease. As such, they're in constant fear of becoming infected and infecting others.While washers may repeatedly wash their hands and/or shower, cleaners wash and rewash their clothes and repeatedly clean their houses several times each day. They repeatedly clean surfaces and objects in their home, never feeling safe or clean enough from contaminants.

Types of OCD – Checkers
These OCD sufferers are compelled to repeatedly check locks and switches around the house or office. They live in constant fear that door or window locks or switches on appliances haven't been closed or turned off.

The irrational fear that their failure to lock or switch something off will cause harm to themselves and others leads them to constantly check and recheck the objects of their obsession.

Checkers often picture terrifying catastrophes taking place in which they're to blame. This leads them to come up with elaborate rituals, which are time-consuming and hinder them from completing daily tasks.

Types of OCD – Orderers
These OCD sufferers are obsessed with fixing things a certain "correct" way. Before even beginning a daily task, they must organize things to "perfect" order. They simply can't focus or begin unless they give in to the impulse to fix things the "right" way.

If someone else tries to touch, move, rearrange, or disarrange the things they fixed, orderers feel extreme distress.

Types of OCD – Hoarders
The objects that hoarders collect are mostly useless items that most people would consider as garbage. Or they can hoard relatively useful items, like matchbooks and sugar packets, but to the point where they can never hope to use all of it in their lifetime. Hoarding often results in chaotic living conditions.

Types of OCD – Obsessesers
Obsessesers often experience thoughts and images that are intrusive and show them causing others harm. They deal with these obsessions by repeated counting or saying certain words. Sufferers of this type of OCD may experience obsessions sans any observable rituals or compulsions.

If you suffer from OCD what category would you put yourself in? http://www.ofear.com/viewtopic.php?f=68&t=338

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I suggest that you view my previous post about guilt at http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...m-being-judged