Suicide as a side effect?
Hey there. I've been suffering from anxiety and depression ever since I was about 12 or 13. I've tried therapy three times but it never really helped me much. About one and a half years ago I thought things were looking up. I got barely anxious and my depression was a lot better. I went out much more, had a lot of friends. About 8 months ago I suddenly got very extreme panic attacks during a vacation. I hyperventilated for hours, I was shaking so bad I couldn't even stand, I was crying hyterically, and, which was probably the worst, started to rip my hair out. I was shaking so bad and was so upset that I gripped my hair and due to the skaking and everything well, really ripped out quite a bit of my hair. I stopped eating. My mom had to force me to eat something. I lost nearly 30 pounds. I stopped sleeping altogether. I have insomnia as well and I started to get horrible nightmares that had me screaming in the middle of the night. So, for me, the best solution was to simply stop sleeping. I always stayed up for 3-4 days, which wasn't much of a problem for me, and even then I tried to only sleep for 20 minutes or less. I kept this up for a few months and I think you can imagine that I was a complete mess by the end of it. Things started to slowly calm down. The panic attacks stopped as well as the nightmares. I'm stuck with severe depression and anxiety and depersonalization now. I can't even get myself out of bed anymore. Even taking a shower is too much. I don't care anymore, about anything. I'm completely numb to everything. When I was younger (I'm 18 now) I remember crying for hours and now I can't even remember the last time I cried. Even simple things like the phone ringing or a slight weather change gets me into full panic mode. I'm too anxious to leave the house and I haven't left it in over a month now. I'm seeing nobody expect for my parents and they're at work most of the time. I broke off contact with all of my friends expect for two. My best friend, who I haven't seen in about 3 months now, mostly because she has a boyfriend now and a job and she's always busy. And another friend who I only text and honestly haven't seen in about half a year now. Another thing is my memory. I, for the love of god, can't recall the last one and a half year. It's just gone. The last thing I really remember is taking a break from school because I had a complete breakdown (yet again) and then starting distance learning because going to school on a daily basis just wasn't an option at that point. I remember some 'main' stuff, like my birthday, that one time I dyed my hair, but thats it. I don't remember yesterday. At all. I'm sometimes completely confused in the morning because I don't remember going to bed. I'm already struggling to tell you what I did this morning, it's all blurry. I don't think I've ever felt this bad. I'm a complete mess. I'm completely behind with all my school work but I can't even get myelf to care. I don't know how I'm even supposed to study when I forget most of it after a day. I feel like medication would be a good idea. I tried therapy (the last time about 6 months ago) and it didn't help. I never took any medication. My therapist back then explained to me that when you start to take it you'll start to feel motivated again but your mood won't improve. Only after about 2 months or something. He told me that since you're motivated, but not happier at first, there's a high chance you're going to kill yourself. Which terrifies me. I do think about suicide a lot. Not in a way where I plan anything or imagine how people would react, but in a way where I'm wishing all of this would just be over. Every day is a struggle and I can't do this anymore. I would never do something to myself. I don't want that. I want a normal life. All I want is to not feel like this every single day. But I'm honestly downright terrified that if I start to take medication I'm going to kill myself, or try it. Is it true that something like that happens when you start medication?
