Originally Posted by
axxietynotforme
Hi Everyone:
This is just my story and my thoughts so please dont think that I am this is you AT ALL. I am just sharing my thoughts and emotions for the first time and many of you have helped me on this forum and I hope I can do the same ,,,, even if for 5 minutes :) Ill take it ... Thanks
Where did it begin?
Today is December 4th 2014 and somehow I can write this. Finally! Why today ? Because tonight I realized I am so fed-up with being a hypochondriac and I want to share it with all those in pain, that pain that only you and I can understand. That suffering. That worry . That deep hole within you that no one sees through your beautiful smile.
I don’t remember how I became hypochondriac. I was physically abused by my mom all my life. Sometimes I think that may have triggered it. Obviously that meant I grew up with issues. Then I got into partying and I ecstasy was the pill that took me out of my miseries in life that I had placed a cap on for the longest time. The hurt, the pain , the uncertainty of my childhood. So maybe my hypochondria started there? Or if could be the time I saw my grandma at 13 sitting infront of me and she was so ill, we had Drs at the house and she had nomore veins left and so they had to put the IV in a vein underneath her nail and she was about to scream of all the pain , but then she saw me looking and while they were poking this needle underneath her nail, she gave the most angelic and humble smile. But it could have also begun when my aunt got cancer. I watched her go through chemo , double bisectomy, lose her hair, her nails, lose everything that represented a woman.
I will never know where it began and you will never know either. It does not matter where it began, what matters is that you overcome this time consuming and mind consuming phobia.
I have had it all: brain tumour, ovarian cancer, heart attacks are the new one and I am having one everyday supposedly. I was going blind I was sure, I had skin cancer and I can tell you I had ALS as well.
I know we all have a list as ridiculous as this.
It is okay, but it is so not okay at the same time.
Tonight is Friday and all my friends are out and they want to meet and I have anxiety and heart palpations and I decided to stay home. I ordered some pizza and while having my dinner, all I could think of is my heart and the heart attack.
On a sidenote I should tell you I have a Samsung phone that checks your pulse. If I told you I don’t check my pulse 20 times a day I would be lying. So yes I ate dinner, I got my favourite pizza, and I had my favourite show on. Did I get any of it ? NONE ! I didn’t taste my food , I didn’t hear the show nor did I enjoy my Friday night. Did I relax atleast ? no , because I was in panic that I am going to die of a heart attack.
2 weeks ago I got an ECG monitor that I had to wear for 24hours – the results were fine – I had to record everything I did and that night I did everything and anyting that I do usually that increases my heart rate( no I don’t touch ecstasy anymore- that was a phase when I was in my early twenties), but still I am panicking . Because I take thyroid pills and I think its probably going to messup my hormones and kill me.
I went to wash the dishes and I got a million senses of anxiety all over my body , I started to feel heavy, and shaky and worthless and hopeless and any negative feeling that you can think of and you know suddenly while in the midst and world wind of all these emotions, it hit me ! SO WHAT?!
Let’s say I die… wont that be better ? Better than living this life that you and I are both living? Living with full of worry , full of pain, full of anxiety … is this life? It is what I am afraid of losing to ?
If we are to live healthy for the next 30 years , but live as a hypochondriac…. Isn’t it better to be dead ?
Think about it…..
Some of us might be at a more mild stage of this phobia and some further up – I don’t know where I am on that bar , but I know I am so tired and sick of thinking about this and I am over it . I have thought about it so much that now I am no longer phased by the thought of it . Not because I grew balls overnight and became a champ –no! , but because I have obsessed over this phobia so much , that right now , right this second, when I think of a disease and death, my brain has nothing to think anymore, not happy, not sad, not worry , NOTHING
My brain is over it – I have thought so much and spent so much time obsessing and making myself crazy and making my life so grey , that now the thought has just expired in my brain.
Why I decided to write this tonight , is because fr the first time ever – I realized if this is going to be LIFE for me – like this- all this worry and all this pain, then I rather be dead and I am not going to fight for life anymore.
So ill give myself to GOD and he can watch over me, but I will no longer live like this! There is no point.
I watched a movie the other night and it was amazing. This line was amazing :
A man in trouble was with his lawyer, his lawyer was so worried and panicked and the man was so calm. At the trial the lawyer turned around and asked the man: “Do you ever worry?” and he turned around and said “why ? Would it help ? “
This is gold! If you are going to get that illness, that cancer, that heart attack , or that tumour:
Think about that man and his anwer because it is the perfect answer to all your worries. Does it help?
Because if that disease or death wants to happen, it will happen.
Try to live your life and be happy and enjoy that dinner, enjoy that show, enjoy that Friday night, enjoy YOU.
Be alive and be alert , and tell yourself that being a miserable hypochondriac is much better being dead that alive with this heavy , heavy heart.
I hope this helped even 1 person.
Writing this I must say, I do go counselling still and I will continue to because as I said this doesn’t go away overnight and is a work in progress.
I’m glad you are all here with me.
B
