What I'm going through right now - please help

Hello everyone, I am new here and I was very reluctant to post on a forum, I wasn't sure it'd help me so I never bothered but at this point, I am desperate for answers. Please take the time to read all of this if you feel like you can help shed a little light/hope into my current ordeal. (Please no negativity) Here is my story, I've always been an anxious person, I've always worried, over thought things, etc. it was until around the age of 15 that I had my first panic experience, it took me awhile but med free I beat it and while life would never be the same again, I was finally living. Life went on and I had my moments, but I was living, I had another episode of anxiety a few years later which resulted in agoraphobia which always resulted in two months of panic, I was in bad shape, peeing in a bottle because I was too afraid to leave my room, of course this experience started with an attack. After several months of "sticking in there" I overcame that, and while I was agoraphobic, the constant state of anxiety drifted and I was living, granted I still got anxious from time to time, still worried, had the random panic every now and then, etc. but I was still living and happy over several things. I was calm a lot. Now while my life hasn't been perfect 24/7, it was manageable, sometimes I trick myself into thinking I that I've always been this way, but I know that isn't true, because I can think back with a little effort and realize that I've had times in my life, while not always perfect, that I felt relaxed, normal and happy. Okay, to the problem at hand, about 6-7 days ago, I had an attack, didn't last long, but I had one, nothing out of the norm for me, but for SOME reason, this attack, while it was the same as the others, left me shaken. I started worrying 24/7 constantly, my fears that I've always had became more "real feeling" and the anxiety didn't fade down to a normal amount. During this week I have had waves of depression, feeling hopeless, like there is no way out. One fear that keeps coming back is the fear of going crazy or losing my mind or not being able to cope. I am not suicidal and would never want to kill myself, but these feelings are SO SCARY and put me in such a tense state 24/7 that I become hopeless, but the thought of suicide scares me, again, another reason why I never would, but I do wish these feelings would go away. I believe this is another "rut/episode" like the two months I spent in my bedroom years back.. only this time it is slightly different, I am not panicking 24/7, but I am anxious. This "rut" seems to be focused more on me mentally than physically. Although this "rut" feels similar in ways, a few ways actually, it is slightly different. It's like, I'm freaking out on the inside. The fears of going crazy, losing my mind, etc. come on and stick around for long periods of time and never fade completely. I have been able to manage before and find happiness in things but now it is like I am totally defeated. I have moments, like as I type this, where I am SOMEWHAT calm, but the thought of never getting better, or this coming back when I do get over it, are still in the back of my mind, and I can't find full peace. I don't have insurance and I'm so afraid of meds, so I am basically just looking to see if anyone else out there has felt this way and to see when it passed for you guys, please only positivity. Sometimes these feelings of hopelessness are so extreme, that I sit and shake and feel totally lost. It's like my mind is constantly jumping from one fear to the next. I keep worrying and worrying and looking for an answer. My last "rut" passed in two months, I am hoping this one passes soon as well. I want to go back to the state of being able to cope. Is it possible that just over time I have finally wore my body and brain out and I'm having a "break down" because I heard the brain takes time to heal after long periods of stress. When will this healing process kick in and when will it pass? Has anyone else ever felt this way, how did you cope and when did it pass for you? Please give me ANY information you have on this. Will I ever "break and go mad" or am I in control? I am just looking for hope. Thank you all.

Also, I have always had anxiety, worry, tendency to stick to myself, etc, but never once was it to the point where the thoughts consumed me, took over, and did this to me. Is it because my brain is lacking whatever it needs to cope with this stuff like I did before? I am desperate for answers.

Hi Chris,

Welcome to the forum.

What you are thinking and feeling right now is something that most of us here have been through or are going through at the moment.

I am only on a break at work at the moment, so I just don't have a lot of time this minute, but I would like to give you a couple of thoughts and encouragement.

1. You will get through this.
2 you are not crazy nor are you going to lose your mind. You are way further ahead than many, you seem to have a good handle on what's going on, even if you don't know what the trigger for this recent episode is.
3. If you haven't tried CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) I think you should look into it. Therapists can be expensive, but there is a book called " mind over mood" which is fantastic for learning about this type of therapy. It even has exercises to do in it. It would probably be a great $20 investment.

Right now you need help with your thought process. We can try to help you learn this.

Break time is over.

You will be alright, I promise.

Hey, Chris and sorry you have to be here.

That was a lot of information to absorb after only two cups of the java but I will give this a go.

First and foremost, and this is an easy one - you are not going crazy or losing your mind. As much as it seems as you are, becoming crazy or schizophrenic is not in your cards. In fact, if you would group all the anxious folks out there, they would be the farthest away from heading in that direction. Anxious people are so focused on their thoughts and those thoughts scare them. Take a crazy person and they will see nothing wrong with their thinking and believe all of the irrational things that pop into their mind are just fine. So let's just remove that one from your dome right now. No worries

Having anxious episodes with or without panic, then getting back to somewhat of normalcy is also really common early on. At first those things concern you just a bit and since you don't dwell on them so much, they dissipate and you feel good again.

After those "ruts" happen enough times, you start to get concerned with "maybe this time I won't bounce back so quickly or at all." And this is when Anxiety is more than happy to really begin to mind fu*k you. Now you are concerned so you focus on how you feel and what you are thinking, you start feeling anxious and scared about what you are thinking and feeling and that fuels the anxiety to take even more hold. It gets to a point where you feel scared all your waking hours and the physical symptoms begin to mass. Gastro issues, heart beats skipping and having palpitations, tight chest and one of my all time favorites, those intrusive thoughts of harming yourself or others when you know damn well you won't but they keep worrying you that you will break and finally do those things.

Sorry to disappoint - that ain't gonna happen either. You are so aware of those thoughts and how WRONG they are that you could never do them.......but your anxiety will try to keep it in your mind and usually does if you do not take some action to get the anxiety itself first under control, then eliminate it all together

Your brain is on overdrive right now and it does need to rest a bit. I understand you are afraid of meds, as was I and also most people here. Being anxious makes you feel all of the side effects possible will happen but they don't. 99% of people that feel side effects when taking the meds feel the way they do because of the anxiety of taking the meds, so they believe the meds are causing the side effects, not anxiety. Meds can get you leveled out so much that you will feel so much better when you have found the right one. Once your mind is calmed down, you can rationally and clearly start addressing the anxiety itself.

"I want to go back to the state of being able to cope" Fuck that. Who has a goal in life of being able to cope? Cope schmope. Have a goal of being stronger and better than you ever have. And that is totally possible. Me, and many others have been in far worst shape than you and have come out of this bigger, faster and stronger. Oh hold on, that was steroids from a different time and a different subject. We came out of anxiety wiser and able to enjoy life more than ever before.

Stop using "hope" as a strategy to cure your anxiety. You cannot hope, will or fight it away. Knowledge is power and the more you know about anxiety and its affects on the mind and body, the more you will understand. The more you understand, the less fear you have. The less fear leads to little or no anxiety or panic. A good place to start is here - theanxietycoach.com

Then learn to begin to analyze why you have anxiety in the first place. Something is going on in your mind that is causing anxiety.

That is the root of all the evil.

Find it. Slay it.

Boom! - You're done!

Thank you so much for your replies. Like I said, I've always been anxious but this stage seems different, it is now constantly on my mind. I know what is causing this, for example, before when I had anxiety, I brushed it off, took it for what it was, and kept going, but now in this "rut" it's like I'm not as in control of these thoughts. They have taken the driver seat and the ONE thought (although there can be several) that keeps me feeling anxious, depressed, so on. Is that one fear of going crazy or not being able to cope, and resulting in some sort of terrible outcome. If I knew this wasn't an outcome, if I KNEW I could cope and ride this out, I would be fine. I have that fear of dying or not being able to cope though and it is feeding this. It's a cycle. The more I worry about losing my head, the more I try to find a way out, the more I try to find a way out, the more I realize maybe there isn't, that causes more anxiety which makes losing my head seem more possible which then the cycle repeats.

I just checked out theanxietycoach.com,

Outstanding site!

Chris, do yourself a favor and check it out. You can get this hamster off the wheel.

Hey I clicked on that link and it brings up this business for sale thing. Do you mean http://www.anxietycoach.com/ ?