Holiday Terror

Hi everyone,

Most of you know me already, for those of you that do not, I am suffering from some severe agoraphobia.

The problem I am having at the moment is that we leave on holiday in three weeks. Our family holidays consist of going out every single day, which is very terrifying to me. Last year I got so terrified I could not leave the caravan we were staying in. I am able to go out at the moment, but not for huge lengths of time. The longest I managed over the past year was three and a half hours in the restaurant. I felt to sick to eat, so the only thing I could really enjoy was the ice cream at the end when most of the people in the restaurant had left. Now, when we go on holiday, we are out for 7 to 8 hours if not longer, when all I really want is 5 minutes relief of that anxiety when I am out. Since we are going with public transport, there is no place to run in my head. I know it is in my head and that there is nothing dangerous, I have become afraid of the panic itself. I know that it eventually dies down and that I am responsible for it, but that does not stop me of being absolutely terrified right now. I can't really talk about it with anyone else, because most people around me feel that I should just get over it. I don't want to bother my fiancé about it any more either, because he has to live with me and this problem on a daily basis.

Right now I don't know how to deal with these feelings. At the moment I can deal with the anticipation anxiety and try to tell myself that I simply cannot know what is going to happen and if I do get a panic attack, it will pass and I should just try anyway. I guess I just need support and maybe some tips of how to deal with this holiday. Personally, I do not think I am ready to do so much exposure in one go. I've also reached out for CBT treatment five months ago, I should be off the waiting list right now and receiving treatment, but no word yet, even after calling them multiple times.

Claire Weekes talks specifically about going on holiday with anxiety in "Freedom From Nervous Suffering". I don't know if you're familiar with her stuff but I recommend it to anyone with anxiety. She seems really old-fashioned (she was around in the 70s or so) but her ideas were way ahead of her time. I listened to the audiobook - it's about $15 on iTunes. You'd probably get a lot out of what she says about going on holiday and she totally understands how anxious it makes people with agoraphobia.

You've got to do the 'work'. No way out other than to face it. There will always be another 'scary'- 'holiday' no matter what form it takes. The train, the bus, crowds, eventually creeping in or encroaching upon the 'safe' zones. If releases are not coming easy, keep going deeper into them.

A sidenote, this is not an intellectual exercise where you sit and reason everything to death. This is feeling. Following the feelings. You may be blocked (closed), the feeling centers, in which case practice feeling activities first. For example go to a pet store and play with the babies. Take a shower and feel the water. Practice feeling all different sensations. And then go back in to your exercise.

Thanks for sharing. I haven't been in your shoes but I can imagine that would be very challenging. It's great that you are pursuing therapy - hope that works out soon. In the meantime, just try managing it day by day during your vacation. If you know that you need 5 minutes to yourself, just take that time. Step away from the chaos, go outside, go to another room that is quiet and gather your thoughts. I'm sorry you are going through this, will pray for ya if you don't mind.

mommato2lilmonkeys

Thank you for all the advice :) I know I need and going to face it, it just scares me a lot. I will listen to Claire Weekes and try some of the exercises I'm suffering suggests. Also dancing, thank you for your compassion, it gives me new strength.

Also, quick additional question. I'm trying to find things to look forward to during the holiday, but having real trouble finding something. Are there things to focus on instead of anxiety and how do I find those?
Sad thing is, I used to love going out and look forward to any trip, now it is very challenging to find anything fun at all. Still, if I am going to beat my own mind, I'll have to start thinking differently. Subconscious I am still not doing that great I think ;)