Struggling with Anxiety.

Hello everyone! My name is Christian, I am 22 years old and I am currently going through a lot in my life.

To give everyone a little background about me: I have always been the happy go lucky type of person. Always energetic, always the life of the party, making people laugh, trying new things, going above and beyond! I played every sport growing up, and was at the gym 5-7 days a week trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I had not a clue in the world about Anxiety and all the different types of Anxiety. Lets just say the least, I never used to think/over think anything; not a care in the world. I am one of the most followed social media talent in the world, which has definitely added a lot of stress in my life.

About 4 months ago, my Uncle passed away of a Brain Tumor. He started collapsing, walking into walls, etc. The tumor had been found too late and unfortunately there was nothing they could do for him. They gave him a month to live. I love my uncle so much. He was like a brother to me. Ive had deaths in the family before, but nothing other than old age so this was a new experience for me. This was my mothers brother, so you could imagine how hurt she was and how traumatizing it was for her to go through something like this. That being said, this experience was just as traumatizing for me because I had to sit and watch both my uncle and my mother crumble. I learned things about illnesses that I should have never learned, for my own good. Now, I know too much.

During this entire situation, I myself started to develop symptoms that resembled symptoms of my uncle like not being able to use my arms. I had an instance in the morning when I woke up, as I was getting out of bed, my arms started to go seize up. I could move them but it felt like I was losing control of them, which was a symptom I learned that he was experiencing (loss of motor skills).

I had my first panic attack while out for dinner/on the phone with my mom. I had just sat down and ordered. Everything was fine until my phone rang. It was my mom. She explained to me how my uncle wasn't doing well at all and I explained to her the symptoms I had earlier that morning and thats when it hit me. Tingling throughout my entire body, my muscles cramped up, I felt like I couldn't walk, my heart was pounding, etc. I looked over at my brother and immediately told him to call 911 and that I was dying. "This is it" I kept saying in my head. All of the paramedics instantly told me that I was having a panic attack, but I was so sure that it was something more serious.

After 3 months of seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, several heart work ups, neurological exams, seeing several doctors & everything came back fine, I started to get back to my old self. Fighting against all of the urges to google my symptoms, not panicking over every single ache and pain, and working out again. I told my therapist that I did not want to take medication. I am a firm believer in self healing and I have done very well this entire time as far as clearing out the anxiety.

That being said, I haven't felt 100% better yet. I still feel these random symptoms and just wish they would stop. My anxiety and worry is fully brought on by me not feeling well. If I felt 100% I definitely would not have any anxiety/worry about my health. Some Symptoms: I constantly feel out of body. Sometimes I will be walking down my condo hallway to the elevator and feel as if I never walked down the hall, as if I am not existing. Its so weird, I don't even know how to explain it. Sometimes when I am standing still, I feel my body sink. I wouldn't call it Vertigo, Its almost like the feeling of going down in an elevator, when you feel that sunken feeling in your body, except while standing still. Ive had a little bit of nausea the last couple of days, I haven't vomited at all, but I have been feeling uneasy at night while I'm in bed and random times throughout the day. I was also getting sharp pains behind my eyes/forehead area that were pretty debilitating, as well as headaches daily which have seemed to have stopped almost completely since I have been working on lowering my stress levels. I just find myself CONSTANTLY worrying about my health and analyzing every single thing.

SO, four months later I would say Im doing a lot better and trying my best to get back to the old me. My friends and family have seen a drastic change in me since I developed anxiety. My energy levels have definitely dropped, I was scared to leave my condo because I thought I was going to collapse of an aneurysm, or have a heart attack and die. Really unpleasant feelings that no human being should ever have to feel. I have a new respect for people having to deal with this. I just feel so alone. Everyone I talk to gives me the same response "You're fine don't worry about it, move on." Which isn't the best thing to say to someone with anxiety, or to anyone who isn't feeling well. It just causes them to feel even more hopeless.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this. I have been really aching to get this out of me and talk to people about it. Feeling alone sucks.

Hi. you're absolute not alone in this. I think when people experience the traumatic death of a loved one the way one feels for their passing sometimes manifests in weird ways. Death has a not so funny way of showing up and reminding us how fragile and impermanent we really are. Life becomes something to covet, until your mind tricks you into being all helicopter mom about it.
I am so glad that counselling and the like is slowly working for you. Chances are you are going through a bit of grief still. This is a great little forum with lots of awesome people giving sage advice. It's the perfect place to talk it out. Lord knows I do it.

You are different, Christian. Now, this experience has showed you a deeper reality, a more meaningful purpose to your life. You can still keep the portions of you that you like, while, accepting new changes, more fulfilling than say vine hits, you see. Your life is much more than how many videos you can make, or how many followers - And while you were going along at a fast pace swept up in it all, you always had this superficial sense, that someday you would have to be more, that there was more to you than say a sideshow. You have been distracted in all the hoopla, and your uncle showed you not how to get further swept up in some drama filled wild ride, but to settle, to really find yourself. Underneath it all, the charisma, flamboyant, is a compassionate, empath. Part of fulfilling your journeys purpose was to realize this, because this realization in itself would take your life in a different direction. The events of the past few months and the way you are feeling are triggers -

In this adventure of looking inside yourself, finding meaning, you will uncover enrichment beyond your wildest dreams. This external mirage will pale in comparison. This is the reason and meaning for his swift passing, and your growing disillusionment with your life even some time prior. That event was meant as a catalyst to springboard you into knowing, a much more meaningful state. In his passing he has left you with a gift -

Trying to continue on with the life you had leads to this out of body feeling because you cannot ground yourself anymore in the old you. So don't go back to what was, you see, but allow you to become more. You cannot stay stuck forever, this is causing the dreamlike effect. The anxiety is a combination of experiences, repressed feelings, and a few traumatic triggers. For a long time it feels like you denied who you are, even with the artistic expression you felt suppressed. You were trying to show the world the wrong you, a fake you, and that is where the stress comes from. This persona that now you feel you must keep up. You cant get out.

Come out, show yourself, don't spend your life hiding behind a façade. But find that self first.

Your uncle wants you to know, that in the end, all that matters is that you find who you are. That place will feel like the complete opposite of who you are now. And that endeavor is worthy, perhaps over anything else.

wow amazing story mate!! keep going, your doing awesome. me too I haven't taken any pills. and I think ive gotten through the heart of the storm. I would suggest taking supplements, very beneficial and hey don't harm you at all! you can read my story once I upload it. need to get to 25 posts first which sucks!