Anxiety and Depression: A Dewdrop on Wilting Grass
Hello, friends I am new here. Although, this site is no stranger to me as I’ve already been reading some forums before which I must say help me in a way and make me feel less alone whenever I am so drained that I seek help from the most trusted one who, by the way, usually leads me here—Google. So, I am a seventeen-year-old girl from the Philippines, a country where the sun always shines yet makes so little sense to my gloomy life. Young and depressed. I think it all started when I entered college and I was only fourteen then, turning fifteen just a month after the class opening. You could hear Tadashi Hamada here saying“Wow, washed up at fourteen.” Just so you know, students here normally reach college at the age of sixteen or seventeen but I was once accelerated in elementary which explains the early age. Heck WAS I gifted. Freshman year was a total blur to me. First weeks, I had no idea on how to get along with new people and strive academically. I’ve been into different peer groups in our block and I could not just fit in because I am seriously a very awkward person. I always wondered how easy it was for them to interact with each other like they were already friends for years while I freeze, pretending to laugh with them on jokes I actually did not find humorous at all that made me miss terribly my funny highschool friends. I was so stiff and never contributed to their fun atmosphere so I thought it was excruciating and I’d rather be alone. I was a loner and I did not care even when some classmates judgingly looked at me when they saw that I am with no one. It was better, though. Being alone. I had a hard time motivating myself to attend my classes, I was either late or absent. I hated my university because I saw it as very boring and not so reputable. The facilities were even not that pleasant. We would be sitting in rusty armchairs while we sweat for hours in a poorly ventilated classroom. I was not supposed to be in that university, in the first place. I was so sure during highschool that I would spend my college years in the university that I’ve always wanted because that’s what my mom said. Besides, she was the first person to make me never wish to be in this university where I am at now for some reasons which is why I was so angry and frustrated when she eventually decided for me to be here. It was so embarassing to my highschool classmates when they found out about it as they were actually also excited for me. Ridiculous! I did not even take the admission test with them because there were really no plans of me studying here. I eventually just got in because our neighbor was a professor from this university so she helped me since I was an honor student from highschool, anyway. I never knew the feeling of passing an entrance exam and it kind of affected my esteem. I could not help but fantasize my college life in my dream university. But as for now, I am over it. I liked then my minor subjects and had good grades considering my absences while ironically, I hated my only major subject so I thought of transferring with a different course. My mom picked my own course, by the way. It’s a pre-med course because she dreams of me being in med school after and although I knew it did not interest me so much, I gave it a chance because I thought college was different. I thought it would help me appreciate Science but boy was I wrong. I felt dumb. I knew nothing, had so tiny stock knowledge in Science when they require you so much. I felt like I was being left out. Science is so vast I did not know how to catch up and if I would ever even be able to do so as scientific information just continuously grow. I would complain to my mother but it was so apparent that she thought I was being just a drama queen. I hated everything about my life. I cursed my highschool for not being so competetive, blaming it for my lack of knowledge and skills. I always longed to be my old self when I was just carefree and smart. I’d just lock up myself in my room, with no lights on and experienced living a life through the characters in the e-books I read on my phone. I shut people out even my high school friends. When the second semester came, I finally had a group where I fit in. It was weird you know, they are really fun to be with but I could not feel happiness. I have forgotten what it felt to be happy. Second year was nothing unusual, I made myself believe that I am not depressed even though I still obviously am. I never had the mood to talk with my family and was so apathetic to almost everything. Then people at school finally saw something good in me. They thought I was good in writing when I became a part of our college publication and I was thrilled at first but got fed up about it soon. I was passionate but my articles were never released due to lack of funds so I regret it and wished I had the courage to have applied in our university publication, instead. I also won in an essay writing contest but I was not so happy about it. Everytime I do something good, I feel like things just happened by chance and when I do horrible things, I hate myself even more. I have a long list for self-deprecation moments. Third year, I acted so happy and contented until I stopped pretending at the end of the sem. Now, it is summer and I am doing my internship in a company for college requirement. I do and say the most stupid things, believe me. My anxiety makes things worse. My head is so foggy and I am starting to believe that I am literally getting stupid. I am so impractical and lack common sense. I don’t know what would happen to me. I am so tired of my life. I will be in my fourth year and will be turning eighteen but I am afraid, my life would still make no sense to me. I’ve always wanted to seek help from a psychiatrist and have therapy but my mom would just suggest me to read the Bible. I have nothing against it but I just think I really need mental help from the professionals but sadly, I don’t think we can even afford that. And on top of all of this, I get these silly romantic delusions with my first love. I could not get over him when we never even had a relationship. I usually find myself thinking of him but whenever I see him around the campus I’d do all the means for him to not see me. You see, I am also an average-looking skinny girl afflicted with acne vulgaris so probably, I just do not want him to see the pus-filled zits on my face. Talk about some fortune, right? I am not pretty, fit, smart, talented, and good-natured. Wow. So tell me, have you ever felt so insignificant you’d rather be just a dewdrop on wilting grass? I have. Every. damn. single. time.
