here we go again... table turns from :'D to D':

I just had the most amazing weekend on the contryside with friends and I girl I like. It has been truly magical and I have been so happy and alive and thankfull. And then it all makes a U-turn from heaven to hell - I start to feel rejected by my friends and then I start to think of all the things that will make all this go away, all these good things, I will lose it all, I won't be able to live the way I want to, I won't get to be with that girl I like so much cause of all the things that are wrong with me and all the problems that makes US impossible. When I got of the tram on my way home I had to run so that I could get to my apartment and cry my heart and lungs out. Life ain't worth living and all this death anxiety makes me start to formulate my suicide letter in my head. My friends turn into my enemies.

I am so tired of not being able to be happy about good experiences and events in my life. I just get scared to death that I will lose all those good things and then I just don't want to live anymore.

I am going to give you this message from what you call 'tough love'. I am warning you in advance, to ignore anyone who comes in to rebuke me, or dilute the message I am giving you, just pay attention - if you need to leave for a period of time after you read my message to avoid reading other posts, then do so. :

(I am going to bold the whole post for emphasis)

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Originally Posted by namaste87

I just had the most amazing weekend on the contryside with friends and I girl I like. It has been truly magical and I have been so happy and alive and thankfull. And then it all makes a U-turn from heaven to hell - I start to feel rejected by my friends and then I start to think of all the things that will make all this go away, all these good things, I will lose it all, I won't be able to live the way I want to, I won't get to be with that girl I like so much cause of all the things that are wrong with me and all the problems that makes US impossible. When I got of the tram on my way home I had to run so that I could get to my apartment and cry my heart and lungs out. Life ain't worth living and all this death anxiety makes me start to formulate my suicide letter in my head. My friends turn into my enemies.

I am so tired of not being able to be happy about good experiences and events in my life. I just get scared to death that I will lose all those good things and then I just don't want to live anymore.

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Read the following multiple times.

They are your thoughts, period. You have them for a reason.

The thoughts that you think are the end result of a combination of negative programming and conditioning throughout your life. They are only there to magnify those areas that need work. Therefor you are to embrace them - as friends (as they are a gift- in disguise - to yourself), validate them, and honor them. They point you in the direction of the beliefs that need to be healed. Once these false ideas are healed and released, you wont have them trigger you anymore.

If you run, or lament, or brood, then you will continually revisit these false ideas and thoughts until you are ready to face them. It is duality - when you feel happy, and you want to remain happy, the obstacles (to happiness - if any) will naturally rise into awareness so you can remove them.

You have yet to do this inner work, until now you have suppressed these feelings, thinking if you hide them or cover them up they would disappear.



Now, for example, and I will give just one -

If you want to be a millionaire - if that is your desire -

All ideas about who you are, and who you are in relation to the world will surface as either obstacles or criticisms - and so forth - they will arise into awareness, your train of thought - so you can look at them, and release them - getting rid of any road blocks to riches.

You only need to plant the desire and the obstacles naturally rise -

"I am a millionaire", "I want to be rich with 10 million dollars within 5 years", or perhaps closer to home for you, "I want to feel happy, to feel good about myself", "I want real friends and a real loving relationship with this girl", or perhaps "I want to heal my anxiety completely so it does not interfere with my life"

Now, when you have these desires, (which are good and constructive), and begin the process of creating them (by thinking them), you begin to have the following conflicting thoughts, and I will quote your words :

"I start to think of all the things that will make all this go away, all these good things, I will lose it all, I won't be able to live the way I want to, I won't get to be with that girl I like so much cause of all the things that are wrong with me and all the problems that makes US impossible."

Now, using your terms, the answer to the last sentence, "....what makes US impossible", has already been given. The answer is in the previous sentences. "Why wont you be able to live the way you want to?". "Because I start to think of all the things that will make all this go away....." You see? "All the things that are wrong with me". What are these terrible things in you? What is wrong with you? Identify it - dig into the pain. Where did what is wrong with you come from? Keep digging by asking questions.

Those negative self suggestions will lead you to your beliefs, and once you find what you believe about you, you can release them.... See that they are false. You may find the core belief "I am worthless" with many other beliefs bridged to it, and together, they make "US impossible".

This message of course applies to every reader, not just the OP.

That is all.

You know I care about you, we have worked together before.

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Originally Posted by namaste87

I just had the most amazing weekend on the contryside with friends and I girl I like. It has been truly magical and I have been so happy and alive and thankfull. And then it all makes a U-turn from heaven to hell - I start to feel rejected by my friends and then I start to think of all the things that will make all this go away, all these good things, I will lose it all, I won't be able to live the way I want to, I won't get to be with that girl I like so much cause of all the things that are wrong with me and all the problems that makes US impossible. When I got of the tram on my way home I had to run so that I could get to my apartment and cry my heart and lungs out. Life ain't worth living and all this death anxiety makes me start to formulate my suicide letter in my head. My friends turn into my enemies.

I am so tired of not being able to be happy about good experiences and events in my life. I just get scared to death that I will lose all those good things and then I just don't want to live anymore.

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I wonder why the "U-turn" happens?

I think you must have a negative "groove" in your brain which is there because of bad experiences. This is very common but it can be changed. Our minds are not set in stone and you can re-wire them to be positive.

My mother is exactly like this. Say we plan something good and I ask her if she's excited she says no she's worried about all the things that can go wrong! Her brain has a negative groove so deep she's pretty much stuck with it (she's 73). She doesn't have to be like that but she can't see a way of changing it. Don't be like her lol.

I haven't read all of Im-Suffering's reply but I'm sure there's some good advice there because this is his specialty :)

All the best,
Gypsy x

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

[B]
[B][I]The thoughts that you think are the end result of a combination of negative programming and conditioning throughout your life. They are only there to magnify those areas that need work.

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I always looked at it this way myself. If anxiety creeps up on me again I take it that I am doing something wrong. Anxiety is my alert that something is off for me. It could be something with my diet or exercise habits, maybe I am getting lazy, more often than not it is my attitude, I am not looking at things the right way or perhaps I am not acting the way I should be toward others or life in general. Without fail every time it happens once I start to adjust my attitude and live better it goes away.

I like to give negativity a taste of its own medicine. My negativity says: "Yeah, it's good now, but it won't last." Nothing is truly permanent, everything is always in constant flux. You can sit in one place all day and do nothing and the sun will still rise and set, the clouds above will form, rain, and make way to the heavens again. The good times are never going to be eternal, but neither are the bad.
There's always a silver lining somewhere even if it's just that you woke up to face another day. You aren't promised tomorrow so each day you wake is just another blessing that is all your own. If it doesn't feel like so much of a blessing, be patient, tomorrow is another day :)

I too battle something similar. It's like sitting in a room with all your best friends yet you aren't able to speak. In that moment they just feel like absolute strangers to you and these anxious thoughts start to formulate in your head and they lie to you. They say "Your best friend hates you., "No one understands you" "Even if you start crying no one is going to care", the list goes on and on. But these things are just thoughts, they shouldn't get to you, right? I know all to well that sometimes they just do and you feel totally and completely alone. You question is even your own family loves you sometimes. But they do. You are so loved. I can't stress this enough. And I know how alone you feel, and it flat out just sucks. But think of all the wonderful things that the girl you like said or the little moments you two had. Do you really think that will just dissipate within a matter of days?

You're doing the best that you can, and I'm proud of you. Keep your head held high, this won't last forever. :)