Shouldn't be.... but I am

Hi... first post. I just couldn't even get out of bed this morning. I constantly feel like im drowning or the walls are closing in on me. My dreams are now nightmares and I feel so alone.

The problem is, I have an amazing life. I am about to graduate from a great program, i have a job lined up that im truly passionate about. I have a wonderful boyfriend who doesn't quite understand my anxiety and distress but tries very hard and is a wonderful support system. I'm moving soon to a city where both he and my best friend live and my family is so supportive of me. I'm looking forward to my future. I have everything going for me - yet I feel awful. I feel trapped here in school, going through the motions of the tedious never ending tough work and I just want to be where my friends are in the "real world"... that is really the only problem in my life, though its a recent one.

My anxiety has been around long before this - a few years now - but its the worst its ever been. I feel guilty for having so much going for me and still struggling. I feel like an imposter in the anxiety world. I used to hurt myself before when my anxiety first started and its a constant battle everyday not to fall victim to that again. I get anxious and depressed, i look for support around me, then I feel so down on myself for being a burden to everyone, to not be able to just toughen up and get through it. I feel weak, scared, and unable to truly express the battle inside me. I struggling to keep my head above water and nothing seems to work and no one seems to truly understand. I know its up to me and only me to get over this but I feel like everyday i have to convince myself to get out of bed. I'm constantly talking myself through my negative thoughts and trying to force the positive...

I don't really know what the real point of this post is or what I want from it... I guess just to get it out there.

Hi there. Please don't feel like an imposter, or that you shouldn't be here. I want you to know you're not alone. I too have a good life. I have a good job that supports me, and a fantastic group of family and friends. I too, feel like I'm drowning. I too feel as if I don't truly have much to complain about, or as if I shouldn't because there are plenty worse off than me, but just because you have things going for you, doesn't mean you have no right to feel the way you do. And I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't know how to describe the battle inside of you. It's like a monster you keep, caged inside your head. A monster who is very good at breaking free and tearing you apart from the inside. It whispers things to you, things you don't want to believe, things you know aren't true. But you can't stop it. You don't know how.

You're not alone. I understand. Hang in there. Don't lose hope.

Thank you for your kind words. It was just what I needed... you're not alone either. Thank you for your pick-me-up and for helping me shut up that freaking monster. Good luck with yours... Let me know when he gets out of control, I'm more than willing to repay the favor.

If what I tell you below is too personal for a message board, then take this post to a therapist or confidant and explore it there, openly, brutally honest and fully vested emotionally, ready to release the storehouse of energy that has reached its brink.. A safe place where you can let go.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mag515

Hi... first post. I just couldn't even get out of bed this morning. I constantly feel like im drowning or the walls are closing in on me. My dreams are now nightmares and I feel so alone.

The problem is, I have an amazing life. I am about to graduate from a great program, i have a job lined up that im truly passionate about. I have a wonderful boyfriend who doesn't quite understand my anxiety and distress but tries very hard and is a wonderful support system. I'm moving soon to a city where both he and my best friend live and my family is so supportive of me. I'm looking forward to my future. I have everything going for me - yet I feel awful. I feel trapped here in school, going through the motions of the tedious never ending tough work and I just want to be where my friends are in the "real world"... that is really the only problem in my life, though its a recent one.

My anxiety has been around long before this - a few years now - but its the worst its ever been. I feel guilty for having so much going for me and still struggling. I feel like an imposter in the anxiety world. I used to hurt myself before when my anxiety first started and its a constant battle everyday not to fall victim to that again. I get anxious and depressed, i look for support around me, then I feel so down on myself for being a burden to everyone, to not be able to just toughen up and get through it. I feel weak, scared, and unable to truly express the battle inside me. I struggling to keep my head above water and nothing seems to work and no one seems to truly understand. I know its up to me and only me to get over this but I feel like everyday i have to convince myself to get out of bed. I'm constantly talking myself through my negative thoughts and trying to force the positive...

I don't really know what the real point of this post is or what I want from it... I guess just to get it out there.

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Let me know the negative thoughts that are dominant, all of them. In the meanwhile stop trying to force the positive.

I want you to think good and hard about this, and don't tell me the current (surface) problems, school, moving, give me thoughts related to who you are as a person, and in relation to who you were always expected to be, by others, family, etc. Go back a ways. Give me the thoughts that contain the pain, so much so as to cause self harm.

The thoughts during the self harm. And the thoughts within the guilt thereafter.

The weakness, the pain, the suffering, the battle, the depression, the anxiety, the struggle, the imposter....All due to who you were expected to become. Which is the cause of this breakdown, at this time, and for some time leading up to it. The pressure was severe. Severe enough in that physical pain was a release, symbolically of the internal strife and conflicts of identity.

I will wait and see. Or if I do not see you again, I will take it for granted you followed my advice, and read this post over several times for a good understanding.

I salute your journey.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mag515

Thank you for your kind words. It was just what I needed... you're not alone either. Thank you for your pick-me-up and for helping me shut up that freaking monster. Good luck with yours... Let me know when he gets out of control, I'm more than willing to repay the favor.

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You're very welcome, and thank you too :). I just might take you up on that sometime.