Dating With Anxiety- Begging for Help

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12-20-2014, 08:10 PM
KJH

Dating With Anxiety- Begging for Help

Hello,
I know this is long, but PLEASE: I have NO ONE to talk to about this. PLEASE READ. I NEED HELP. I'm 19 years old, a Freshman in college, and I've been dating this girl for about three months now. We have hit it off really strongly and I love her and our relationship. The problem is, I'm driving her away. All the time I get nervous or anxious, angry, or just upset in some way. For no reason. She'll say something or do something completely meaningless and harmless and it will bother me to no end. Again, they are things that shouldn't bother me. We are very different and don't agree on a lot of stuff. I'm okay with that, but for some reason it makes me feel nervous, anxious, etc. For example, she likes to party on the weekend with her friends (I don't really like partying because it makes me anxious, but I have before); she is always safe and responsible and never gets hurt but I hate it so much when she does it. What always happens is, I get this feeling whenever she parties or does one of these things. It's hard to describe, but it's a mix of anger, disgust, sadness, loneliness, and nervousness. It's a total shit feeling. But the worst part is, instead of being able to tell myself that I have no reason to feel that way and dismiss it, I start sort of wanting to feel like shit. I'll try to make her feel guilty a little bit and that makes me feel more shitty, so I make her feel worse, and so on and so forth into I'm wallowing in self pity and hatred. But I always feel better when I see her and it all goes away. (As a disclaimer, I have been taking Adderall to combat some of my anxiety problems: it mostly helps stop thoughts from rushing around in my head non-stop.) But lately they have been escalating. Just recently, I felt like such a piece of shit for putting her through this that I told her to break up with me. For a whole day, I'll I texted her was that she needed to leave me because I'm hopeless, but she said she wouldn't do it. I didn't have the guts to break up with her, even though I was convinced that it would be the right thing to do. At the end of the day I saw her, and she decided that I was right and she said she was breaking up with me. And I LOST IT. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I was shaking and moving all around and trying to tell her that I was wrong, wrong wrong, wrong wrong... I realized that even if it was the noble thing, I couldn't lose her. I couldn't be alone. I convinced to her to stay with me, because we have so much fun together when I'm not "freaking out" on her. We really care about each other. But the thing is, that I know I will continue to feel anxious about the things she does, but I know that I absolutely cannot take this out on her. I have to learn why I feel this way and how to deal with it. But I don't know how. It may not seem like a long time to be together, but I can't be alone. It's not healthy for me. I become angry, bitter, hateful, and removed if I don't have someone that I know will always be there. I'm sure that there is someone out there that I could be with that doesn't make me as anxious and has more in common with me, but I know that there is no one that can make me feel as good as she does. Even if it doesn't last forever, I need to show her and myself that I'm not going to let my anxiety dictate my life. But I don't know how. Please, help me. What can I do? What should I do? I'm fucked up and I'm hurting her. My goal is to be able to treat her like she deserves to be treated, so I don't feel guilty about her treating me so well. Thank you reading, I really don't know where else to turn.
12-20-2014, 08:25 PM
KJH

I don't understand why all these little things bother me. It makes me feel anxious, nervous, sad, angry...all of that whenever she: listens to music that I don't particularly care for, talks about her family, talks about her friends...I think it's anything that makes her happy that doesn't involve me. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it! Someone has to feel the same way. Why do these things bother me?!? I hate it. Please.
12-21-2014, 08:04 AM
Im-Suffering

Quote:

Originally Posted by KJH

I don't understand why all these little things bother me. It makes me feel anxious, nervous, sad, angry...all of that whenever she: listens to music that I don't particularly care for, talks about her family, talks about her friends...I think it's anything that makes her happy that doesn't involve me. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it! Someone has to feel the same way. Why do these things bother me?!? I hate it. Please.

The universe will answer your plead for help, so you better listen carefully. No sugarcoating here. Do not question any of it, or turn your back. By the time we are done, you will understand your actions, and you will know what to do. It will be the direct opposite of who you are now. So let's begin:

You were abandoned (psychologically) as a child. Separated from love. When I say abandoned I don't mean dumped into the street. You know what I mean. And so you felt alone and shut down. You closed your heart. No matter how much you tried, what you did, you could not gain approval, and so you felt less than human.

To an extent, you are still living that, childhood wasn't so long ago, you are essentially still in it.

And so love comes around in the form of a peer who does care for you, triggering all the bad memories, and conflicting beliefs you hold. Fearful of the loss of this love you continually test it and assume by pushing it away, you would test her. Everything in your mind is a lie.

You are living a lie. Because you believe you are unworthy. You as a child made up any story about you that you could, to rationalize the pain, hurt, from a child's perspective, which is false because a child is not mentally equiped to make self decisions. You saw your parents as good, you were bad. Not deserving of love.

And so now, at 19, in love, panicking at every turn of the loss of love and abandonment, you do all that you can to distance her.

You must act this way, you are acting on your false lie-beliefs that raise emotions you don't understand. Instead of questioning these thoughts, you blindly follow then, fucking up this relationship, and every other until one day the school of hard knocks breaks through the psychological wall with so much pain, you simply are forced to change or die.

Make that day today. Examine your thoughts and do not act on them blindly like a fool without first saying 'this is bullshit, this is not me, this is my crappy conditioning and I will not believe it. I will show love, compassion, I will be there for here, encourage our relationship to grow"

"I will become a man right now, separating foolish childhood thoughts and beliefs from my current experience" "my current experience shows me love, whereas my belifs inside tell me to run, push, and destroy love, because the child inside me is hurt and fearful. And so it is a mirage, a distortion, and I must live in the now"

You had better listen. Read this post 1000 times a day until you get it. The universe has spoken, and given its gift. Use it to expose the past, separate the child from the man..The man trusts, believes, honors, has faith in, loves, respects, stays with, opens, gives. You become that man, that your meant to be.

Practice, practice, practice.

End of message.

Unedited, given as is, so excuse grammar if there are typos.