A big heylo and a long little introduction
Heylo All,
Typical don't know how to begin moment. Lets try again :)
Looking forward to interacting with like minded peers in this forum.
I had my first tryst with an anxiety/panic attack when i was 14 years old. I remember it vividly. I woke up in the middle of the night with fever and felt extreme panic....I was pacing around the room not knowing whats going on with me. This was one of the many times my mother left home ( from my abusive father) and my dad was nervous cause he didn't know how to handle me. He thought it was the side effect of fever of my mom leaving. Could be. But it sure was a full blown anxiety attack - the chill taking over from fingers to the whole body. Film of darkness over all my surroundings. Amplified sounds, thoughts of me having lost the plot, and then the vomiting and stomach upset. After which it fades. And then for a few days i feel weird, depressed ( shocked of course) .
I was very young, a bit overdramatic ( alot actually), to the extent that I actually started hyping my anxiety for attention. I did alot of drama for attention or to be heard rather. " This is the house that jack built " was the term that my relatives used for the chaos and violence that my parents house witnessed - such was the crazy affairs. One day i consumed rat poison in a whim - what a freaking jaded whim. Never will i again try to take my life. I didnt want to. I was just so frustrated that i wanted my parents to pay. But i didnt want to die. And there i was, a 19 yrd old girl in a scary government hospital in India. People dying round me. Poor people. Helpless. Two suicide attempt patients - next to me - died in front of my eyes. This horrible green stuff with blood clots being pumped out of my stomach and for 5 days this went on. Saw my father cry the first time - no more did i ever want to see my parents in pain. pain does not reduce pain. I never will ever cause them pain. And i will never try to kill myself again. If i'm fed up of myself or find it hard to survive in today's socio-economical world, ill go spend the rest of my days in an ashram ( a place where one can meditate, do yoga, self and community service activities etc) . But i will never dare to kill my body, my spirit or my soul. If it has to leave ; it may leave. But never try to kill oneself ( damn in stuck at one topic ...how the f--- am i gonna summarize the rest !)
And then it was time for me to play guardian at my parents house - my mother got back into her addiction and this time she got bad. I was 21 then, from 21 to 25 i kind of had to nurse my mom back to her normal state of being and mind. She was an angel when sober. A devil when high. But throughout the years and when she was sober ; my mother gave us so much love. My brother and me - that saved us i think :) so after going through the phase of hating my mother and almost losing her to addiction - i tried love - lots of love and talk. She too was a girl in distress . That worked . She's sober since.
We left the house - my brother at first and me later. My brother became violent & aggressive and I became depressive & extremely sensitive.
I had bouts of depression and anxiety attacks once in every 3-4 months. At extremely happy times. normal times. anytime !
I got a good job when in college and started making money. that felt good. me and my brother started supporting my parents. They were jobless for all the weird reasons. Then when life was going normally - a lovely bf - learnt how to deal with my parents. Good job. The attacks and depression came back.
I was sent to a psychiatrist who drugged me into a zombie and labelled me with " Depression and Anxiety Disorder" . I almost lost my job with those drugs in a week. On the honest and hard insistence of my sweet boss then ; I went online and saw the side effects and long term effects of the drugs i was so callously prescribed to , at such a young age and i immediately threw them down the bin. I have 3 cousins who have mental disorders - they never went off the pills and they only got worse.
They still are stuck.
I was fortunate to have found a blessed lady who helped me with white light therapy and counselling for a bit - that gave me enough confidence and knowledge to be convinced of the fact that early stages of mental issues can be sorted without medicine. I felt calmer. I learnt how to calm myself down. But then she left. Dont know where, I still look for her. Hope i find her again one day.She inspired me to take up a 2 year post graduate diploma in Psychology & Counselling. I just about finished my course - but didnt give one paper- so didn't get my degree. ( still dont, i do these weird things and dont do the right things at times)
I got into spirituality ( i had when i was a child - i used to lock myself in the bathroom and speak to a universal confidante - who i then called God). I read a few books and then i read a few many - i was overdoing it. psyching myself out. then i stopped.
I entered my mid-twenties, living with friends and on my own , experimented with drugs - and then i recognized something. When i tried acid and weed once i totally went into another zone - where i was lost and afraid. Some friends calmed me down - got me outta the zone and said . calm down, its only a bad trip. I recognized that bad trip from my anxiety attacks. If i can control a drug trip - I sure can control my anxiety. or so i thought. I didn't react well to uppers ( im naturally hyperactive and need to calm down) , but i found a good friend in marijuana. It calmed the f---- outta me ! it took me elsewhere at times - nowhere at times.
So no more attacks , got a great job - had countless issues with procrastination and not completing tasks. issues with attention. tried dealing with it. and then i had a peak - i had so much work that i had to do it. I was into PR - yes a social job ! I did really well for maybe 2 years ? ( my addiction to pot was getting intense) .
And then life struck again . One parent very sick and then the other . Both needed nursing. lots of money which i didnt have. My brother had his own family and was trying hard with the money - I had to give the time. I was also having stupid issues at work. I had a breakdown - I quit my job and went back to my morose house to babysit the parents. They felt guilty now. But what could they do ? I found a bf who i moved in with - he was sweet enough to tell me to take a break from my job and take care of my parents. He supported me for a bit. But with so much time - i got more intensely involved with marijuana. My relationship started getting horrible cracks and i got used to NOT WORKING !
My thoughts started taking over, my attacks had gone but my anxiety had evolved into a social disorder. thanks to my ganja friend !
Much much happened which i cant possibly jot down . Cause im tired writing now ! never written so much about myself.
I have now recognized that I am addicted to marijuana and cigarettes. I dont dream at night anymore. I kind of am happy about it - cause my dreams were usually terrifying and they impacted my days at times - but i know its nor normal to not dream. I dont ever want to take prescription pills . But if i stop marijuana my attacks take over instantly.
Im trying to work on my relationship now ( whatevers left of it) , and trying to get back into word mode ( finding it hard). Im 36 now, and am under pressure of my biological clock. I love kids but im not sure if ill be a mentally able parent. I dont want to repeat what my parents did. And im back out - looking for help. looking to help. I know i have to start yoga , meditation and some physical exercise . Just not getting to doing it . yet :)
Im sorry if i bored you with so much information - but it was just all coming out.
I would like to know if anybody has had similar experiences and what method has helped . Looking forward :)
much regards,
Miss B
