18 and possibly suicidal (please help me!)
I know this is long, but please read! I need to know if I should seek professional help!
Hello, my name is Rose and I'm 18, but I've suffered from serious mental health issues since I was at least 13.
I struggle to recall a time when I was at least content with my life. I tried to runaway around my 14th birthday, and I still, to this day, don't know why.
I felt so numb to everything. I walked for ten miles straight in the cold rain before calling home during what I'm assuming was my first panic attack.
Since then, I've struggled with anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues, and yes, even self-harm. I had to drop out of college because I would suffer from terrible panic attacks before every class.
I would cry and cry and gasp for breath. It felt like I couldn't fill my lungs even half way. My chest was tight, like an elephant was sitting on my rib cage, slowly crushing me. If anyone touched me, I would lose it and start shaking violently.
Even if I just had one essay to write, or one homework assignment, it was overwhelming to me. It felt like absolute torture.
I'm terrible at articulating my feelings in real life, so eventually, people stopped asking me why I feel the way I do. My father was emotionally abusive, and was a big source of anxiety for me for a long time before my parents divorced.
These days though, I can't pinpoint the exact reason for my anxiety, which only makes me more fearful. I can't get a job like this, I don't sleep well, and no one seems to care about me.
Most days, I don't even leave my house. Most days, I can't find the energy to get out of bed or even take care of myself. Sometimes I won't bathe for a week, and I often forget to brush my teeth or wash my face.
I'll have an abysmal appetite some days (sometimes only eating a banana or a sleeve of crackers in a day) and then at the end of the week become a bottomless pit, eating all kinds of weird things because my hunger is insatiable.
Other times, I'll eat a meal just because someone told me to, never really tasting the food. Eating in front of people (even my family and friends) gives me a lot of anxiety, so often I'll cover my mouth or chop my food up in tiny pieces so I look more dainty when I eat, even though anyone will tell you I'm the opposite of dainty. I engage in constant body monitoring, even when I'm alone, and have extreme self-esteem issues.
I'm constantly afraid that my family/friends/and even strangers hate me, even when they tell me they don't.
When I hear someone giggle behind me, or when I see someone whispering to someone else, I automatically assume they're talking about me.
I even know how crazy this sounds! But it doesn't stop my mind from going there. I'm terrified of loud noises, big crowds, strangers, pretty much anything I am not familiar with.
I have an intense fear of being raped. I have vivid nightmares of men raping everyone I know and making me watch before they rape me. It feels so real.
I've even had a terrible episode where I woke up in the middle of my dream and thought it was still happening. I was so scared I cried for two hours straight.
Lately, I'm alone at home until about 6:00 at night. Which means I have about 8 hours to spend in my own fucked up thoughts.
When my family members get home from work, I feel like no one wants to spend time with me.
I feel like they think I'm annoying. I feel like they don't believe I'm sick.
I had stopped self-harming a couple years ago when my mom caught me, but just recently started again and I don't know why. I burn my knuckles with lighters and hot metal, never bad enough to leave scars, just bad enough to feel it for a few hours.
I'll even pinch pieces of my skin between my finger nails until I bleed. I do it when I feel ugly, depressed, anxious, you name it. When I'm driving on the highway, I imagine crashing into a barrier, or driving off the overpass.
I imagine getting hit by cars while I'm out walking. I imagine myself bleeding out on hot concrete, feeling calm. I want to die, but I'm not completely sure I want to kill myself, if that makes any sense...I think about it a lot though.
Today, I went skateboarding and actually tried to eat concrete, but it didn't work. When I got home I spent a few hours calling myself stupid, pinching myself, wanting to die. I still want to die.
I know I need help, but I feel like there's no use. I can't even see a doctor because I have so much anxiety, I wouldn't be able to tell them all this. I would stutter and end up self-harming afterwards I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT.
I feel like outpatient care would not be an option. I'd just feel the same things when I got home. But I also feel like a week with inpatient would not be enough if they even agreed to in in the first place! I don't know what to do. Please help me.
I'm afraid that if things continue this way, I might actually be stupid enough to kill myself. I know that I don't actually want to die. I want to live. But I don't want to live like this...any advice is appreciated.
