First 14 Days Citalopram Diary
Before I took Citalopram I Googled it a lot and eventually found people who had made a diary and what I read I found very useful so I promised I would do the same to try and help others in the same predicament.
Before I start its probably worth giving a bit of background. I’ve had mild anxiety all my life. A few times it has been worse and a few times it has been very mild but generally I’ve coped with it, that was until about 6 months ago. I could definitely feel it getting worse as I got older (I’m 37 now) but as it was gradual i let it get pretty bad before I realised I needed to do something about it. Pretty bad to me was a full blown panic attack while speaking on an audio meeting at work (thankfully it was an audio so I could hang up). I was also drinking heavily at the weekend as a release mechanism and as much as I tried to stop it I couldn’t as it felt like the only way I could release the stress building up in my mind. It was a constant self loathing and a feeling I was losing control over things that had happened in the past and things that had yet to happen. To date I had used this as a positive and performed very well in my career as I tried overcome the lack control I felt but unfortunately it was a bottomless pit that could never be filled. As I felt things were starting to spiral out of my control I went to the doctors and described what I was feeling, as a result of that meeting I was prescribed 10mg of Citalopram to be taken daily for 2 weeks.
Day1 (Wednesday)
Came out the docs around 10 and went to work and took the first pill around 12.00 after a lot of Googling about it. On reflection I should have waited till the weekend as I got quite a kick off it. I mainly felt spaced out but also quite nauseous for the first 2 hours. Gums were a bit tingly and couldn’t stop yawning either. After 2 or 3 hours I felt better and almost straight away noticed a distinct lack of worry which went on into the evening although still felt a bit drained.
Day 2
Very similar to the first 2 hours of day one but felt a little irritable when I got to work, probably because of the tiredness. In the afternoon felt a lot better and again I could actually feel the benefits. Best way I could describe it would be it feeling like someone had switched the lights on in my head and everyone stopped talking. I found I was no longer over analysing things to dig out the negatives. I tested this by thinking about things that had recently got me into a state of anxiety but this time I could really see them for what they were, just day to day events. Previously I would have analysed my part, what I said and think – why did I say that, I should have said that, they must think.. and so on, but now nothing. I really couldn’t believe I was feeling like this after 1 day having been told it could take up to 2 weeks.
Day 3
A big day for me as it was Friday. Previously I would make sure I had plans to go out and drink as it gave me a feeling of confidence and would always be care free while intoxicated. This would go on all weekend until Sunday, where I would experience a hangover and my anxiety would be at its worse. It was a vicious circle and the primary reason why I went to get help. After taking the pill in the morning I had the usual day one feeling for the first 2 hours then I felt fine, almost giddy. Probably because it was Friday and I still couldn’t believe the positive effect I was experiencing after only 3 days. At the end of the day I joined some friends for a drink after work (the first real test) I had one drink, a pint of lager, which lasted me 2 rounds. This is unheard on for me, normally would be the first finished and talking more and more as the alcohol took effect and relived me of my stress. This time though I was very calm and left after one drink, returned home with no ambition to go out. I ended up in bed asleep by 10.30.
Day 4
My girlfriend had already noticed the difference in my personality, I seemed much more chatty and positive. I tried to describe to her the difference in the way I felt which is hard to someone who has never had anxiety let alone had it and now had a feeling they were overcoming it, I had only told her or how bad things were getting a couple of weeks ago. The best I could say was it was like having a couple of beers but not feeling any of the effects of alcohol.. if that makes sense. Needless to say this is as normal as I have ever felt, I actually don’t think I have ever felt this normal.. not that that makes much sense either unless you have suffered anxiety all your adult life. We had dinner then she went to work, again I had no feeling of a need to get drunk which was very strange. I watched a movie which started getting a very heavy and depressing, it was about a girl being taken advantage of in the porn industry. (Cherry, with James Franco in it) needless to say I decided to switch it off. Again, I was in bed before 11.
Day 5
Not as good a day as the previous 2. I was sitting in the flat on my own most of it with the dogs because it was raining and could feel my mind wandering. I tried to read a book but my concentration wasn’t there which is strange as for the last 2 days I have been reading incessantly. My girlfriend came home around 8 and mentioned a play her friends were in and asked me if I wanted to go, when I said yes she was amazed as this is the type of thing I would never think about before as the thought of meeting and chatting to a group of people I barely know would always send shivers down my spine. This perked me up as I thought perhaps the Citalopram wasn’t a good as I had been making out.
Day 6 (Today)
Still cant shake the strange feeling for the 2 hours after I take the pill in the morning but id say they are definitely subsiding more and more. Again the feeling of the here and now and not negative thoughts of the past and the future manifesting in my over analytical mind is unbelievable. This might sound hard to believe but for me these thoughts were like a machine gun wearing me down until id eventually start feeling like I was losing control. The fact that these have almost completely subsided whilst having no impact on my conscious state is remarkable. To me it clearly shows there can be a chemical imbalance in the brain and not something you have necessarily have brought on yourself which is what I have always thought, that it was my fault. I think this drastically impacted my confidence and in turn heightened my anxiety to the point I would often become borderline agoraphobic.
Hope that helped anyone who read. I’ll write up the second half of the diary next week but wanted to get this down while I could remember
