2:17 in the morning...glad to be here everyone. Please read...I need encouragement
So...first I have to admit some things. I have been struggling with anxiety for a long time. I could get into the synopsis of my history now, but being 2 am and getting ever so tired, especially after watching Robin Williams in teary-eyed laughs, I will have to save it for tomorrow...but for the present I am so glad I have finally, I say FINALLY broken out from the mindset of "eh, I just find help tomorrow..." which typically becomes a vicious cycle. So thank you all for being here on my first journey for actually getting my feelings out freely. Safely put I have not written/typed or really talked much about my feelings in a long time, like years, so I am already putting pressure on myself to make a good, hopefully intelligent impression... I feel disconnected. Being 21, a fairly handsome dude, studying Landscape Architecture in Georgia, with interests ranging from casual guitar and ukulele playing, to admittedly great and fun (and often times dumb) freestyle rapping sessions, to skateboarding, some hiking on the side, and some martial arts. And most my friends tell me I am one of the nicest people they have met. I know I have potentials in many arenas, I see good things in my character. But still I am clouded by judgmental thoughts about myself, nearly every day. I also duck from social situations constantly, and the urge to smoke weed and drink as many of my friends do, while sometimes "helps", in reality has pushed me further. DISCLAIMER: mellowing out on a bong hit now...first time in 2 weeks and immediately went in my room telling my roommates I'm too tired (but really just nervous)... But for those positive attributes there is a darker side...while I hang out with friends constantly (most my friends consist of outgoing guys and gals, cracking jokes, going on hikes and trips to beaches, drinking beer and maybe a once or twice a year do some acid or magic mushrooms, and all with big hearts) I feel subpar to them...not funny enough, not cool enough, not enough knowledge in music, or current news, or the passion they have for a sport or a goal. I retract into myself, and lately so much so that I really feel like my personality is degrading. Half the time I don't know what to say, and I'm fishing in my head for ideas but can't express myself because I CAN"T STOP THINKING ABOUT EXPRESSING MYSELF. lol it feels kind of ironic. So in short, I am a young male, who on the outside sorta looks like I got it together (though most my friends know, or I suspect they know, that I get nervous and introverted many times), who has a compassionate heart for others but not for myself, I also compare myself to my twin, but fraternal brother, who is an English/Philosophy major with musical talent and pretty girlfriend (he also suffers from anxiety and self esteem issues) and...I just got to put it out there...I havn't had a girlfriend since senior year of high school, over 3 years ago, and only a few dates since, and those were initiated by the girls...I guess I feel like I can be doing so much more with what I have. I want to be able to get out my comfort and actually talk to people...but not feel stupid and blank minded like I always do. I know I am intelligent, and it sucks feeling like your opinions come off sounding vague and uninteresting, just cause I'm probably sweating in my chair trying to make myself not focus on myself. I feel low, and I just need some help...but I do aknowledge the fact that all this is in my mind...I amplify my faults to the point that it cripples my character, so much so that I feel like I don't half much of a personality...just a machine feeding off others trying figure out how I should go about things. But still...it's been going onsince I was maybe 8 so it's a battle. Sorry for the long post, I guess good ol' maryjane might of helped me out here haha... Thank you
