I want it all back...

So I posted a little bit earlier on today from a different account and had a little bit of difficulty. Long story short I wrote a good five paragraphs on how i felt that for some reason never completely mad its way up to these forums. However I've decided to give it all another try just to have it all written down and to finally get it all out in the open. (Again)

Hey guys, I'm kinda new to this forum and I normally don't do this, however the more i research and try to figure out my difficulites the more I see the words "social anxiety" and these forums come up. I'm here because I'm tired, probably much like all of you guys reading this...if anyone is reading this. I'm tired of not acting like myself, I'm tired of my heart steadily racing, tongue tieing up, and my overall quality of life taking a turn for the worst. Naturally I feel like I've always been a more outgoing, happy go lucky, funny person that has never had many worries besides maybe wondering what was the best way to crack a joke or make someone laugh. However, ever since childhood I always would have severe moments of shyness intially upon meeting new people, something that I was very aware of but always wrote off as natural given the situations. Whether it had been distance relatives of astranged family friends I had always took on a shy alter ego opposed to my otherwise happy go lucky self that my close friends and relatives were so accustom to seeing. These few instances however, like I said, were always written off and I continued through my childhood and adolecense without a care in a world.

Fast forwarding to a sudden life change in which I completely relocated as a freshman year in highschool, that shy alter ego that would only make very few appearances eventually became a leading role in who I was in life. I was suddenly thrown into a situation much like the occasional stranger or distant family friend encounters from my past, however only on a much larger scale. For four years I took on the shy, quiet, and awkward persona that had once only been a momentary sad and pathetic alter ego in my life. I was no longer the child that close friends and family who had been with me prior had come to know and love. Although I wasn't a complete outcast and at a complete loss of sense of humor and sociability, the change and feeling was all too drastic. The explosive and outgoing self that I and everyone else had come to love had taken an abrasive back seat to the shy, meek, acne prone self that I had become.

While I endured those four years of blatant insecurity and anxiety, I had made a personal vow to myself and everyone around me that I would not let the bullshit (for lack of a better term) that persisted throughout those four years continue throughout my college career or even the rest of my life. Slowly but surely through dermatology appointments and throwing myself into random outgoing encounters outside of my seemingly small comfort zone, I had deemed myself ready for the year to come.

Before I knew it, I would far exceed my expectations. Within my first week I managed to find myself a decently large group of friends that would soon come to love, respect, and to much of my delight, find me entertaining. And by the second week I had regained the explosive reputation, that I had once relished in, amongst a majority of my freshman peers. I had essentially arrived, I had the friends, the girls, and somewhat of what some would call popularity. My freshman year was everything a college student, especially in my position, would hope and dream for. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end and my freshman year was now over, little did I know so was my streak of positive vibes and good luck.

The girl that I had called my girlfriend revealed herself to had never broken up with her "exboyfriend", something I would continue to struggle and fight for for most of the up coming summer. With this a new anxiety was born. An anxiety that would prohibit me from enjoying anything that did not have her on a constant tabs. An anxiety that would eventually lead me to seclude myself from the rest of the world, only focusing on her and anything that had to do with her. This is something that would continue to go on for many months to come.

Upon reuniting with my college friends i had begun to face some apprehension simply because I felt my seclusion and stress would some how lead me to some kind of awkwardness. From this point on in my sophomore year I would begin to avoid more people and seclude myself even more, only really opening up to the people in my close circle of friends (Something that due to transfers got smaller). By the end of the year I had felt I lost almost all of my explosiveness and my confidence and was only left with anxiety.

As though it would seem that my situation couldn't get any worse, before i could make a return for my upcoming year my financial aid gave up on me and I no longer had the funds to attend. I had officially hit rock bottom; no more confidence, school, and a whole bunch of anxiety.

Ever since then I've been working retail ironically in a customer service setting wear i'm constantly praised for my personality, personability, and my overall way with customers and ability to communicate with them. But for some reason I still feel lost. I still feel like i've lost the things that made me great. Not everyday, but every now and then I'll get strong surge of social anxiety that ends up giving me minor migraines and overall makes me feel uncomfortable and somewhat awkward. I want to feel whole again. I want to be free of the migraines and the social apprehension that ends up coming with it all. If not have back the ability to be "That Guy" in the room, at least be comfortable in my own head and in my own body.

So yea, this is my thread redone, not as good as the first time I wrote it (smh) but I guess it still gets the point across. Hopefully someone on here can help me shed some light onto this situation. Please and thank you, I just Want it all back.