(trigger warming) Anyone went through self harm?

WARNING: TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM

Also, big text, sorry...


Those days were rather stressful to me.
Me and my mate are dealing with a lot of problems in our relationship. We nearly broke up. It looks like we are getting better, but you never know. Stress.
I also have been dealling with very low self esteem (always have, but some days are worst than others). I could not think about myself without flinching my eye and feeling a anxiety wave going through my body. Yay stress and stomach ache.
I got into a technical course for free due a test I did last year. My mother supported and even helped me with getting all the papers and stuff. I confess I was impressed since she is very negative and want to control every single aspect of my life. I knew it was not just helping hand. I felt it was to shove on my face when necessary. It was a matter of time. More stress.

And I was right.

Today my mother did (well, actually just texted) something I thought was very unfair. She have different rules for me and my sisters, even though we are all in our 20s. She has obsessive control over me. She does not care how it affects me, as long her will is made. I'm not even imagining it, she said that right on my face more than once.

I snapped.

As soon as I got home I just said hi and went to the bathroom to take a shower. I picked up a scisor that was hanging on the wall (which is almost new and was mine, but my sister claimed it without even asking. Then she broke the eye ring or whatever that part is called). I opened it and started to stab my inner thigh hard enough to make cuts. It bleed but not much. Then I did the same thing but less times on my wrists. I can say it was the cat and no one will ever know the difference. The ones in my thigh are hidden.
It wouldn't be the first time. I have 6 scars on my other thigh that were done by scratching the skin repeatedly with a screwdriver, and others in random places. Most of them disappeared with the time.

The reason I do this is because of anger. I feel so angry and frustrated with many things that I do this for relief. I feel that if I don't do this, I will get physically agressive with someone. I rather do it with myself than anyone else.

Does anyone else have a similar issue?

Hunny, I'm so sorry that your mother treats you like that. It is unfair. However, self-mutilation is not the answer. I know it may feel that ways sometimes (maybe even most or all the time), but it definitely isn't!
I've been struggling with cutting ever since junior high began (I'm 22 now). My parents divorced when I was very young, and my mother got remarried to an older man. When I was four, he started teaching me these 'games' for help me get to know my body. When I was old enough to realize what was actually happening, nobody believed me. That's when I had learned about what I've always called my 'beautiful bliss'. (Please don't laugh at that.) I've always been pretty shy, and never really had close friends. I was scared that people would find me to be weird/awkward.
My freshman year was when I was finally old enough (step-dad's rule) to got hang out with my friend, and even go to a school function. My freshman homecoming was one of the many worst days of my life. I had gone with my only two close female friends, and one of the girl's boyfriend met us there. After the game started, the friend's bf invited a few more guys to hang out with us. There was already a lot of people so I was already very nervous. Well, this one cute guy started talking to me.. which he seemed nice.. next thing I know, our friends just walked away and kinda disappeared, and I kinda started freaking out. He started saying how we would go find my friends soon, while he starts reaching down my pants. *please, I'm sparing the details as it's painful* After what he had done to me, I was so mortified and wanted to rip my skin off. It felt so gross. I ran to find my friends, bawling my eyes out. I had found or of them and begged for her phone to call my mom. Wrong person answer, wrong person picked me up. Once home, I scrubbed my skin as hard as I could till it was raw. I was just so disgusted and hated myself for not being able to defend myself. (I'm a very small girl) Later that night when my brother got home, I had collapsed on his bedroom floor spilling every sicken touch. He was the only person aside from my real dad who had believed me.
Junior year, I met him.. the most amazing man ever created! He was so smart, funny, handsome, brave, charming, and even got me to stop cutting. I spent four years with him, being abused (physically, mentally, and sexually). Hell, he even let his friend pay him to have sex with me.. Most of all, I remember the day that he killed our baby. I had came home early from work, and got in the shower. After a few relaxing moments under the hot water, I'm being ripped out of the shower by my hair, and had fell our the side of the tub. He just started kicking me, and yelling at me that I didn't have his permission (he noticed the I hadn't had my period). A week later, I started cutting again. He didn't like that very much either, and had to teach me a lesson. I haven't cut since then, but there are many times that I felt like I NEEDED to.. a few years ago, he passed from cancer. I hate saying that a part of me will always miss him. At his sweet points, he was heaven sent.. and I'll never let those memories disappear from me. Although, every little nasty thing he had ever done to me haunts my dreams (literally).
I'm going to stop right there because with every word I type, I think of an excuse to just delete this. Most people have no clue what I've been through, and I never talk about it (so this might help me a little). Even if it's only a few short segments.
Okay.. so what I'm trying to tell you is that things could be way worse, and I'm sure you know that. Everyone has their story, and every story has its pain. No matter how bad the pain, we allow it to tear our armor (pun very much intended). It is a long journey through recovery, but any 'habit' you form, can be broken. Don't let it enslave you. It may feel like (my nickname for it) beautiful bliss.. but five minutes later, how do you feel? Every time felt so nice, but every time made me hate myself a little bit more. I know you might be rolling your eyes thinking that you could have it under control.. but believe me when I say that the sight of your own blood and the warm comforting feel consumers you. I've been there, and I left from there a long time ago. Every day is a struggle, but you have to trust it.
Can you do me a favor, please? Go buy some rubber bands, and wear them. When you feel like you need to cut, snap them babies as hard as you need to. Also, have you ever meditated? I thought that it was just a gimmick, but it really helps with giving yourself a few moments you calm down a bit, and sort your head. Atleast give it a chance. If you think I'm stupid after that, then continue on like I never said anything..
Just remember to trust your struggle.

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