I'm gonna tell you my story as quickly as I can. Well a couple of years ago I had many OCD behaviours that didn't affect me much but those thoughts were a bit stressing sometimes though. But with time, as I've grown up they've started being less noticeable and less stressing for me.
In March-April 2013 I found out that my older sister (she's 36 and I am 18) is suffering from paranoid schizophrenia for about 10 years and my parents hid it from me to protect me. My other sister (she's 31) is all right and healthy and she doesn't seem to be as affected as me of our other sister's illness. I found out because she had a really bad psychotic episode and they had to tell me what was happening. I was really sad and scared. I didn't want to accept it. She was fine until then but suddenly, she started refusing her medication so that's why that thing happened. I've started since then fearing this horrible illness. Those months I was feeling fear all the time and I couldn't sleep for 2 weeks at all and barely eat. I was scared of starting hearing voices and stuff. It was horrible....
But with time this fear has started being not that bad as I've got used to it and got other health problems (not mental problems) and I've been focused on them. But even though I've been really depressed because I am single and feel ugly, have a few friends and I have low self esteem. My mood has fluctuated a lot from good to bad. Recently, I've been isolating myself more than usual...I've always been shy and socially anxiuous but since my anxiety started I'm becoming more and more socially anxious..I am sick of getting out looking the way I do.
But my schizophrenia fear has started again since the last week when my sister has had another psychotic episode (a really bad one that my parents wanted to bring her to the hospital..it was horrible. And I gotta mention that all these month she has had an epsiode every month because she's still refusing to take her meds in time and her episodes are getting worse and worse). I've started thinking that I am ill too again and I'm identifying with her again (she's got no social life..even much more worse than me) and now a lot of horrible thoughts come to mind mind like my parents want to kill me and I feel watched sometimes and it's just horrible.
And when I get in bed, before falling asleep I hear this random voices in my head that say random things until I fall asleep. These voices are not new though I've heard them for months but they haven't scared me much until now. But those thoughts are worrying me...
My other sister that is healthy is my parents' second child so maybe if she's healthy I am the one who gets the illness from the eldest sister..she started with anxiety too and then after an year schizophrenia appeared. Now it's almost an year since I've been suffering from anxiety and depression.
I really want to be a healthy girl and to have a social life and a boyfriend.
I don't want to live with my parents like her forever and make their lives a nightmare...
Thank you very much for reading my post. I am new here. And sorry if there are any grammar mistakes but English is not my main language.
PS: At some point, after 2 months of anxiety I had those bad thoughts but they weren't as bad as now and I didn't feel watched then and they disappeared. I am also very stressed now because of my exam and I am scared to learn because I might stress the brain more :(
Do you I might get schizophrenia in a few months or maybe years too? Or maybe tomorrow? I am so scared! I feel so unlucky :(
