New member. Probably not a new story..But here it is.
Hey everyone,
I found myself reading lots of posts on this forum recently and figured it would be a great place for me to find support. I really need to surround myself with positive and supportive people now and this seems to be the place for it. I suppose I'll start with my story.
I guess I have always suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. When I think of my upbringing, childhood, and family-overall I feel like it was great. I always told myself that. I had really supportive parents and a wonderful younger brother. I grew up in a smaller town but I was right on the ocean, had tons of friends, played lots of sports, did well in school. It was wonderful. But...there was lots of things that happened and I've realized many of these things led to my depression, although I was not always aware I suffered from it. My brother was sexually abused by a male cousin much older than him for a long time and when I finally found out and told my parents, I guess that's when it all started really going downhill. My parents and brother moved across the country to get away from what happened and tried to help my brother cope and deal but he never really did. None of us have. He's at the age now where hes an adult and can make his own decisions so he chooses not to seek professional help but instead self medicates by smoking marijuana. My mother blames herself and as a result does everything for him. My dad had a very horrible childhood which included physical abuse from his own father and abandonment, so he has some issues being a father. Since moving, my mother developed a gambling addiction which put not only herself but all of us through hell for a good few years. She's recovering and has been in treatment for it. I've since moved to where my parents also live and have been living my own life alongside all of this. I always felt like I was the rock of my family. When my mom fell to pieces with her gambling addiction, I knew I needed to step in-perhaps I shouldnt have but my family needed me. My dad was drinking more and would tell me he too felt like he was falling to pieces. My brother was also in a bad relationship with a girl whom we now all have restraining orders on. She found out what my family was going through and basically told everyone we knew and also began threatening everyone, that sort of nice stuff. (BTW, I'm not trying to make myself or family out to be perfect-we are not. I am not. This is just my story)
Anyway, this is why I felt like I needed to step up and be the support we all needed. Eventually my mom and dad worked through everything, but I started feeling like I had lost time...I had lost time that I needed for myself. I wanted to be a regular teenager/young adult and all these things took that time away from me to be that. I'll never get that back. Sure, I was sociable and went out with friends and had fun but I still felt like I lost time.
I was on Effexor for about 6 months when all of this was happening and it made me feel horrible. I felt disconnected, groggy, numb.. I thought anti-depressants must all be like this and decided I wouldnt try anymore. They werent going to work for me.
Fast forward to this past June. I got married to the love of my life who is aware of my history and depression/anxiety. Hes supportive and I adore him. We bought our first home in September and I have a job that I love. Financially, we're fine and I've only just turned 26. People started to tell me I was doing so well for my age and I'd think "Yeah...but why am I not as excited about this as I think I should be?"
By October we were all settled in our new home. Its beautiful. I love it but I was starting to realize something was very wrong...I KNEW I should have been happy about my situation..a newlywed with a new house and a great job and a great future..so why am I feeling miserable? Every day I'd wake up in my new home feeling..wrong. I stopped seeing my friends as much. I stopped going shopping. I stopped leaving my house as much as I could. Then in November, I had a full blown panic attach for no reason.
It was basically the worst feeling I have ever felt. I was cleaning my house and BOOM. I could feel my arms and legs tingling, my chest felt tight and my heart was racing, my arms started shaking, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sit still and the feeling of terror. It lasted for about an hour and even after I felt lasting effects from it...I lived in fear for a few months. I didn't go back to my normal mood after that. It was a constant low mood. Then again, 3 weeks ago, it happened again while I was visiting with my parents. Then again on Saturday while I was watching TV, and again yesterday while I was on my way to see my doctor for these problems.
My doctor checked my BP and it was sky high. He did an EKG and I had PVC's. He sent me to the ER where I was looked at by a psych nurse who didn't look an either my BP or EKG which I still find alarming.
Anyway, with my history she said I have a panic disorder where these panic attacks come out of basically nowhere. No triggers, they just happen. This in itself gives me extreme anxiety! I can't even tell when they'e going to happen. I have no triggers so theres nothing for me to avoid. So, I'll just live in constant fear they'll happen again. Yay.
She prescribed me ativan .5mg to take when needed and started me on 20mg of Celexa. I know the celexa will take time to start working so in the meantime I'll just have to rely on the ativan.
I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm scared. I still feel like crap. My mood is still garbage and I work in a stressful place-a walk in clinic. Very fast paced. Can't take time off work as we're short staffed and I'm working towards a promotion. Taking time off work isn't going to happen, its my choice.
I'm worried about the initial side effects for the first few weeks of taking celexa. I mean, I can't feel like this anymore..I am at my wits end. My doctor referred me to a psychiatrist but it'll take time before I can see them. In the meantime I'm just a wreck.
That's my story.
Sorry is so long. I've left out quite a bit but included everything I felt was necessary. I'm wondering what I can do for myself to help me feel better as the psych nurse said to me "do good things for yourself".
That used to be shopping and dolling myself up and going to see my friends...I don't feel up to it. They already know something is wrong and I am not in the mindset to tell them all of this just yet. I'll need time.
Looking forward to being a part of this forum.
