Hi everyone.
I am a 22 year old male who has had anxiety for a large chunk of life. Only in the past year or two has it been bad. My anxiety is generalized, usually focusing on things I cannot control and has recently switched over to health anxiety. You know, the usual, "My chest hurts, must be my heart failing." Recently, I had surgery to get two cysts removed and through that and the percocet I took, I have had stomach issues. Of course my anxiety got a hold of that and even a week and a half after getting off the medicine, I still have some stomach issues. Naturally, I have diagnosed myself with a variety of problems ranging from parasites to colon cancer.
I guess what motivated me to seek out this website is that I have been really struggling lately. I've seen multiple doctors concerning my health and eventually decided through their help that a new approach is needed. Everyone is encouraging psychological treatment, and I completely agree. It is great, my school actually provides FREE psychological treatment to students, so I was very excited to start that. However, it was right before Christmas break when I jumped on board and all they pretty much told me is they can't do much until after Christmas break. When I got back from my month long break, I was looking forward to starting the treatment; however, for the past two weeks I have been rescheduled and unable to meet with anyone and I fear that it will happen again next week. I sometimes experience depression with my anxiety, because who wants to spend their entire lives living in fear? When I get told I can't meet someone to get help, it usually makes me pretty depressed.
I feel as though no one understands me. My family just tells me to "stop worrying" and I wish it was that easy. My friends know me for my sense of humor, so if I bring it up around them, they take it as a joke and laugh. I laugh along with them, but there is always that feeling of regret that I even mentioned it. Most of my life, I have tried many things and never really succeeded. The only thing I am remotely good at is being humorous, but not only has my humor forced me to look at a lot of negative aspects about life, I eventually came to the realization that I am not funny enough to be considered "good". I feel like most of my life has been a disappointment. I feel as though I should have done something better by now, but have failed at all my attempts. I am in college and spent the first 2 years thinking I was just wasting my time, because I don't want a job in Public Relations and jobs in Philosophy are basically non-existent. Those are my majors, by the way. However, the last 2 years have been filled with motivation. I want to go to Law School. I really do. I know times are tough for attorneys, but I am willing to work as hard as needed to succeed. I want to move out of my state and become an attorney and actually do some great work. My parents are both great people, and we never had a lot of money. With my dad having to switch jobs constantly, we barely made it by at times. I want to make enough money one day that I can do something great for them. I want to buy my dad his dream motorcycle and take my mom to Ireland. Those are two things they could never afford while raising two kids, and I want to make that possible for them. However, with my health anxiety, I fear that if I die within the next few years, none of the goals I have formed will be achieved and my entire life will be a disappointment.
I am very sorry for the long post. I have a hard time expressing myself in a short amount of words. I understand if no one takes the time to read this, but with the difficulty I have had at meeting with a counselor and the fact that a lot of my peers don't understand, I guess I am desperate to be heard. I don't have a lot of answers at the moment, and I hope one day I can really help someone who is going through what I currently am. But for now, I just need to take things one step at a time. Thank-you and I look forward to communicating with you all on this website.
