Would love some first time advice - scared and hopeless!
Please help, I think i'm going crazy and I don't want to ruin the best thing that has happened to me.
I have always been a fairly anxious person, in relationships, friendships, about illnesses and losing people, but over the last 5/6 months it has completely taken over my life. I haven't had a minute which I've felt 'normal' and constantly feel as though there is a dark cloud in my stomach and head, I feel like I feel nothing at all, for anything, and when I cry I feel as though I don't 'feel' it anymore. I've lost all interest in being the fun person I was. I hate going out, I hate drinking as it makes me feel like i can't be in control, having sex scares me (Despite previously having a high sex drive), I can't concentrate at university. I went on holiday with friends in the summer and it was horrible, I felt constantly like I was an outcast, I didn't want to do anything, i'd lost my phone and couldn't contact anyone for the next 8 days (including my boyfriend and i felt so anxious and worried), this is when it all really started, like the intrusive thoughts and from then on I just got worse and worse. Yeah so, the reason it's affecting me mostly is because my anxiety primarily focuses itself towards my boyfriend, although our relationship has no issues. Previously I have been paranoid in relationships and treated pretty shit, cheated on and just suppressed generally as a person, however I have never for one second thought rationally that I couldn't trust my boyfriend as he is not like that at all. The thing is, I can't help but think I will lose him. I don't think I'm good enough and for the last few months I have tried to rationalise every reason for why i would lose him, a few being...
- Him cheating
- Me cheating (although I wouldn't - at times I have convinced myself that I have when I definitely haven't)
- Me being a lesbian (I'm not)
- When he was at a festival I was convinced he was dead
- I think maybe it's because i like other people (which is ridiculous, i really do love my boyfriend) or that he does
When these thoughts go through my head, it upsets me, i get angry, i tear at my hair and throw things, all i want is to be how we were. In reality nothing has changed so i don't understand why I am doing this. Sometimes I justify it as I just simply feel this way and I'm in denial, but i know in my heart this isn't true as every time i think about not being with him i react in a way that would suggest this. I feel so self destructive and although with help from my boyfriend to calm down and breathe it alleviates some of the horrible feelings, it always returns, fast. I feel like i need to be reassured that it will get better. I go to counselling once a week at my uni but in all honesty this causes me anxiety too as I feel awkward and that she thinks I'm being stupid. In fact I feel like everyone thinks that. I just don't know what to do anymore and if this is even normal. I'm scared that everything i'm thinking is real and it's something I will never be able to get away from.
Please help me understand this situation :(
