First of all, I wanna appologize if my English isn't that great. I think you can understand what I'm saying but I may write it down a little bit weird, because english isn't my main language, I'm from the Netherlands. So I'm sorry if my grammar or my sentence order aren't correct, or even some words. So bare with me. Thanks!
HA, I wonder if there is someone who will take some time to read this, it got so much longer than I expected it to be, but once I write something, I go allll the way. I'm sorry. I hope there is someone who will take the effort to read it all. I would just like a view from an outsider. Maybe it is bullshit that I think that this could cause my anxiety, or at least for a part.. I don't know. I find it hard to figure out what caused it really. And I think this may be one of the reasons I am experiencing what I am experiencing.
My anxiety came out of the blue. And I immediately searched for professional help. I went to the doctor and I got refered to some sort of therapist. So I went to the therapist and she said: 'These kind of situations are arised out of stress, tension or feelings you've pushed away. It's like there's a bucket inside of you and every little thing dropped in the bucket and now your bucket is full, and your body is showing it to you by your anxiety and panic attacks, and all the symptoms that come with.'
The thing is.. I didn't really know what the thing was that bothered me that much.. And I need to figure that out before I can get rid of my anxiety.
So I was thinking..... and my parents are divorced. I never really had much issues with the divorce of my parents, ofcourse I didn't like it, but I could handle it well. Their divorce happened like 5 years ago. So my mother had a new boyfriend and my father was alone. After my mom he had a new girlfriend, she was nice and my father seemed to really like her. But they broke up after a year and I think my father had some tough times.
I don't wanna go into this to much... But I feel like forgetting something that may be important lol! Anyways, after that I always felt like he was searching for love to much. I, sometimes, said to him: 'But dad, don't look for love, let love find you!' He was part of an online community where men and women with children but no boy/girl-friend could chat with eachother and talk and stuff, even date if they wanted to.
So my father was always busy with that website when I was at his house (I lived at my moms house, and once in the two weeks I went to my dad), and I always thought it didn't really bother me, because I could do what I wanted as wel.
So their have been some periods and things that happened. What the point really is..... Is that my father once he thought he had find a woman, he was so busy with her, the woman was the most important thing. Imagine you going to your fathers house once in the two weeks and he is busy chatting with the same woman, while you're their. Imagine him going away on friday night and then saturday the whole day as wel because he wants to be with that one woman. I always thought: 'Njeh I'm fine with it, if he is gone friday night I can throw little house parties and chill with friends, saturday?? Oh well I wanted to go to the beach with friends.'
Well, that woman didn't work out, and then he would be sad for the next view months. After that, he found his current 'girlfriend'. If that is what you can call her. No I have to say, there were some more issues with the last one, and some situations where I got really sad, but I don't wanna discuss that because I already feel like this post is getting longer than I wanted to make it. But like I said, I don't wanna forget some important things.
Okay, so his current girlfriend is also going on for some time now, and I have to say I like her, but I had some struggles with her in the beginning. Or were the struggles not her, but the struggles I had with my father who had almost all of his attention on her. I remember him asking, 'Robin.. Is it okay that I go to (Name girlfriend) tonight?' and I would say: 'Yes go if you want to' and I would be home alone that night, doing nothing. And when I got to my mom, I complained: 'I don't wanna say to dad that I want him to stay home, I want him to make the choice, to make me a choice, to wanna hang out with me. I don't wanna say: NO STAY FOR ME. He had to think about that himself, and not leave anytime he wanted'... Maybe that hurt me more than I have always thought.
There are some more examples. I will give you one more. I just gratuated from high school. My mom and my best friends mom bought a trip to greece for me and my best friends as a graduation gift, and that was amazing. They thought about us! But my father didn't. He couldn't think of a present for me. Not even a box of chocolate. And a box of chocolate would be enough, because a trip to greece is a little bit over the top, I wouldn't expect that from him, but at least something? I don't wanna sounds materialistic, but it bothered me that he couldn't think of something, I mean... my graduation is something important.
And for me it got worse, because he asked me if I could think of some presents for the daughter of (Name new girlfriend) for during the trip to france he was about to make with them. Like serious? You can think of presents you can give her, in the car, so she won't get bored. And you can't think of a graduation gift for your own blood? Little things like this, may bothered me more than I thought.
This, with a lot more I haven't said yet.. My father who het other priorities than me and my brother. Maybe it hurt me more than I always thought, and I pushed them feelings away.
So I was wondering, with you reading this, may this be a logic statement (I don't know if I picked the right word lol sorry) for my problems, anxiety. This with also the stress of the graduation year, learning stuff like that. Having hormones doing crazy stuff with my body. Wanna fit in with the rest. Stuff like that.
I think I also just wanted to share this with people I don't know, now it's of my chest. Maybe I'll feel a little bit better, or figure out that this really bothered me more than I thought. Me writing so much about it.... Looks like it really bothered me more than I thought. Anyways, I hope you have read this, and otherwise I got it of my chest. I just wanted to know if this may sound like an logic statement for my anxiety issues.
Love,
