Marijuana Possibly Helping Me, Not Sure
So I have come to the realization that for the past 3 or 4 years I've suffered from mild/moderate anxiety. Certain days are much worse than others, but in general it's when I'm speaking for extended periods of time or when I'm in public or around a large group. I get really disoriented and depersonalized, and I can't process what people are saying to me right away. Sometimes even with close friends or family. I usually don't smoke marijuana because it tends to induce panic attacks with me in large doses, which is sometimes hard to measure depending on the strength and other factors. However, lately I've been living with a couple of friends who are regular smokers. I've found that the first few times I smoked I had cold hands and feet, racing thoughts, lots of mood swings and general fear. I also had pain in my chest and what felt like a rapid heartbeat. However, in the three weeks to a month after that where I've been smoking about once a day, sometimes less, I find my anxiety getting less and less of a problem when I'm smoking and sometimes even for the rest of the day or into the next day. In fact, aside from making me a little slow and clearly intoxicated, it makes me feel more confident and comfortable in the world around me when I have smoked even small amounts. I feel like every time I smoke, it gets more enjoyable and I feel less pressure going about daily life. The way it feels, it's like I'm opening an instrument panel in my brain whenever I smoke. As I tweak the buttons in there by thinking positively and introspectively, I am able to lock it up again and enjoy a more relaxed demeanour in the days ahead. I have no cravings to smoke and I've gone about 4 days now without having smoked, although I did have some anxiety last night at a social event. I think it was still more controlled than before I started smoking, however.
Sometimes I find that when I smoke a lot and go for a walk, I reflect on the things that have been bothering me over the past months and years, like a falling out with my best friend that really took a toll on me. Sometimes I was even brought to tears while walking, but I felt better about it later. Almost as if I had sorted some of my feelings out while high. I also find myself thinking a lot about my childhood and why I feel the way I do sometimes. I think that's what my anxiety is rooted from. While I know I should probably see a psychiatrist (I did once a few years ago but only once), I'm wondering if I may actually be helping my brain sort itself out by smoking on a semi-regular basis. I really feel like something is happening.
Any thoughts on this?
