Its ruining my life and relationships!...please help!

I have had this on going battle with low self-esteem, stress, depression and anxiety most of my life (im now 20), but until recently it has got much worse. Over the weekend just gone, I travelled 2 hours on a train on my own to meet a friend and spend a weekend with her in a hotel - it was meant to be a chilled out weekend together - until my panic attacks started! Whilst with her I am constantly over thinking and worrying about how much im going to make a fool of my self, embarrass myself. The hotel we stayed in was very high class... and im quite a down to earth type of girl - so I did find it hard to fit into the environment anyway, but I should have felt lucky and excited! I just could not relax AT ALL.

I managed to get through the first evening. And then I went to sleep. I did not sleep at all that night... my friend laid next to me, and I was battling with this 'demon' inside of me putting negative things in my head, making me more and more anxious. My tummy was in knots, i felt so sick, i was shaking and then I started having the panic attacks. All the time my friend was asleep and I felt so alone, in this hotel room, far away from home. I drunk nearly half a bottle of 'rescue remedy' in hope that something would calm me down. I love this girl so much and think so much about her. There is no reason at all why I should be nervous around her. I told myself I need to wake her up just so I can have someone with me. But now guilt set in for waking her up!! I was constantly having panic attacks, one after the other. I felt lost, on edge, fearful, scared, upset, guilty, alone, embarrassed etc. My friend didnt no what to do with me, which made me feel worse, and it made the whole situation awkward and uncomfortable for us both. But I needed help! I then thought I need to escape, and maybe a hot bath may help (in the middle of the night). Anyway morning came, I felt a little better now id got up and kept a little busy. We then decided to walk around London, get on the train - which I hated, I felt so sick again.

I got through that day and felt quite positive until evening came... We had to go for a 3 course dinner in the posh restaurant (this is making me nervous now just writing about it).. this is something I am not used to... and she is. My stomach was in knots, i felt if i were to eat anything im going to throw up. Anyway the time came and we went down, i chose something that i could just 'pick' at and hope for the best. Whilst waiting i could feel another panic attack coming on, this made me so anxious as my body was trying to 'flight' the situation, i started shaking, went all hot and faint. I had a small bite out of my bread roll... trying to look 'normal' and that i DO fit in, but all the time my body and brain was trying to escape. I couldnt cope with it anymore, a sudden urge of sickness came over me - I had to run out of the restaurant!!! Into the 'posh' gardens and I threw up! I was mortified. You can imagine what was going through my head at this point. I cried and cried. Which made it twice as bad as now I new I had to face people. I wanted to die at this point. My friend was quite supportive telling me not to worry etc, but my anxiety was still shouting at me telling me what a fool I am, and now shes ashamed of me etc. We went back up the room and I was so humilated with myself. This is when the depression kicked in. We hardly spoke me and my friend, she said she didnt know what to say. I know I had another night to go before id have to travel nearly 3 hours back home.

I had to get through the next evening. All the time I kept worrying that I was going to have another episode of the night before and things are just going to get much worse. My friend ended up eating her dinner up in the room. I kept apologising to her hoping she tried to understand. I felt a failure. Why cant I just be normal and enjoy something thats meant to be enjoyed. I was looking forward to this trip weeks before. That evening, was just about the same. Constant worry and more panic attacks, running to the toilet and throwing up. I just wanted to be out of that place - know matter how beautiful it was.

But now it has opened up a can of worms... it hasnt gone. I cant even put petrol in my car, go to the bank, be on my own, go to work without worrying and beng nervous. Depression has seriously kicked in now and im constantly thinking suicidal thoughts and how I wont ever be able to enjoy time with my friend (I get this with most people by the way not just her, although I get more nervous with her). I feel like theres no way out for me, I am alone dealing with this horrid demon inside of me. I have come here in hope somebody can just help me. Please. I want to be able to jump on a train, go travelling with my friend, laugh, eat what I want, try new things, sleep well at night and enjoy the days together and just be normal. This anxiety is taking over me, and its ruining that relationship.

Please help.

Gemma.

You might benefit from taking a small amt of xanax while working on your anxiety issue. I take a small amt if/when my anxiety starts to become overwhelming.
Here's my advice, be honest with your girlfriend. Explain how you like her a lot and the pressure of wanting to have a perfect weekend got to you and you got really anxious. When you are honest with people, they usually are more understanding than we expect.