Last Sunday was the first time I was hospitalized for my anxiety. It had been a long day so I'll try to be as brief as possible. I had recently come out to my family. I have a girlfriend. She's 20 and I'm 18. She's great, doing well in life and only pushes me to do better. Moving on... She's not allowed in my house. I had thought they meant no hanging out at the house. But they apparently meant not at all. My family is extremely homophobic. Not even for religious reason. Just pure ignorance. My girlfriend was coming to give me a ride to work (which my family constantly complains about having to do though work is only 5 min by care from my house). It was cold out so I told her and her cousin that they could wait in my living room for a few minutes while I changed for work. This was literally two minutes. My mothers boyfriend started screaming and throwing a fit. (He's always screaming at me about something, he doesn't like me.) Telling me to move out, etc. After we left my mother pretty much said this is what I get for being gay... Then I went straight to work. I'm a hostess and it's hard on my anxiety because I have to talk to a lot of people and smile the whole time. After work I was planning on going out to avoid home but my plans were canceled. As soon as I got home my mother screams at me for about 20 minutes about how much of a loser I am... After that I sat in my room in the dark and had an anxiety attack. When I have an anxiety attack I tend to see things. Paranoia sets in and I'm basically delusional. I knocked on my mothers door and told her a man was going to make me kill myself. She started to yell at me for crying. I wasn't loud. I wasn't violent. I was just crying. I went and sat on the floor in my room and she started screaming "get up retard!" Then she sent her boyfriend in to manhandle me and throw me on the bed. I've been sexually abused.. My mother knows this and knows I can't handle a man touching me.. He was yelling at me saying that my mom should call the police and get rid of me. After all of this I was in a state of apathy. She took me to the hospital and I spent the night on the bed in the hallway alone (minus my sitter). The only person to come visit me was my girlfriend. Not that I really wanted to see my family. The next day they took me to a psych ward in another city. I told them all that happened that day and they said I could go home. My girlfriend was sick as a dog but still came to see me and stayed with me at the psych ward. After that I didn't come home until late. I didn't want to be home. As soon as I got there they were already talking to me like I bother them. This house isn't horrible but I'm just constantly anxious. I just wanted to share my first experience being hospitalized. I don't plan on going to my family for help anymore. I suppose I'm alone when it comes to this. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
