My Battle with Anxiety

It started over a year ago for me. I got into a pretty intense argument with my girlfriend. Afterwards I went into the bathroom, cried pretty hard for a bit, then suddenly the thought "kill yourself" slipped into my mind out of nowhere. It freaked me out. That on top of the gastroparesis I had been dealing with for about 6 months prior to that had taken its toll on me and I finally snapped. For months after that I had intrusive suicidal (and sometimes homicidal) thoughts every day. After suffering for a while I finally confessed to my mother about it and was sent to a mental hospital the same night. It helped with my suicidal thoughts (as I have them far less now), but it made my anxiety worse. Inside the hospital I had a couple of nervous breakdowns and my anxiety got so bad at points my chest and left arm started aching. I felt like I was going to die. I think the adverse effects of some of the medication they tried putting me on for depression had something to do with it because I haven't had anxiety THAT bad since being in the hospital. Despite this, anxiety dominates my life now. I have to take melatonin + L-theanine pills just to sleep, and every day I'm constantly paranoid and worrying about things. I even get anxiety when I try to go to sleep without feeling very tired. I worry about worrying, I worry about my paranoia, I worry that I'm going crazy or that I have schizophrenia, I worry about hurting others, I worry about whether or not I can trust anybody, I worry about death, and many other things. For example, I love animals, but when I see kittens or puppies I get anxiety because I get weird thoughts about hurting them. I was always a bit self-analytic/self-critical, but ever since my experience at the hospital it has been much more intense. I also have weird doubts and rituals such as checking a door a couple of times to see if it is locked. The self-analysis isn't always a curse because it really helps my therapist (I've been in therapy for a couple of months, I go about once every one-and-a-half weeks), but when it becomes extreme criticism then it destroys me. I've criticized myself criticizing myself before. Due to this I thought I might have OCD, or that I might literally just be going nuts. This anxiety coupled with my illness has pretty much destroyed my happiness. Fear dominates me. I feel very insecure, like my own skin is this tiny, cramped up cage that I want to hide from everyone.

Epilepticsalt, welcome, I'm glad you found us. It sounds like you are experiencing some pretty severe anxiety. Intrusive thoughts can be tiring, demoralizing, and maddening. You are not alone. Many of us suffer with similar symptoms. I'm glad to hear that you are in therapy. Are you taking any medications now? Try to be good to yourself. Take a bubble bath, or read a trashy romance novel, or listen to your favorite music. How are things with your girlfriend now?

I'm happy to know I'm not alone. I am not taking any medication except for the melatonin + L-theanine pills to help with sleeping. I listen to a lot of music, that helps. We've had a couple of break ups through the past four years or so, but things are looking up again.