Intimacy problems.

Hello! To be honest, I don't really know how to start this, so I guess I'll just dive straight into it. First, though, I'll apologise now for the ridiculous wall of text and thank you very much if you read this all.
I'm actually very happy with my life is going, I'm going to a good uni, I have improved with my Social Phobia, I have many friends now and I love them all very much. My problem is this: When I meet a new person and especially one of the opposite sex (which, of course, was my entire college class) I've always got this little voice in my head saying that if I get to close, they'll hurt me. I get uncomfortable with emotional stuff directed at me, people saying thanks or congratulating me or telling me I'm a good friend or something. But while I'm able to kinda ignore those, the worst thing is when somebody says they have feelings for me. I've had about 4 guys in the last half a year or so say they've had feelings for me. They were all lovely guys but all but one I had no feelings for. The moment I sensed the conversation taking a more...personal tone, I start to get flustered. And when I say flustered, I mean that all that comes out of my mouth is literally nonsense and I have/come close to having a panic attack. I usually end up crying once I've excused myself and found somewhere private. After that, I just turn instantly cold and try to avoid them as much as possible, I know it makes the situation worse and I feel terrible for doing it because I don't want to hurt them. I'm 21 now, I should be able to deal with these kinds of things. I know that it should be all under my control whether I choose to pursue a romantic relationship with someone but I still fear losing control of the situation. One of those guys, I did actually have feelings for. I ended up going out with him for about a week before things got complicated (he also had an anxiety issue) and it just fizzled out. That time was honestly one of the most stressful and yet nicest experiences ever. He has been, so far, the only man I've ever had feelings for and before that I was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me and I was just born without the capacity to feel romantically attached to someone.

Anyway, What is really getting to me, is that I would really like to be in a relationship sometime soon. At my school, it was often said that if you hadn't kissed anyone by the time you were 14 that you were lesbian/ugly/defective. I still haven't. I'm not ashamed of it but I was very much in the midst of my anxiety when that, among other things about boyfriends, was reinforced. It made a profound mark on me as well as being told I was ugly and that I'd never have a boyfriend if I didn't stop being so weird. I'm rational about this, I know boyfriends should not total my existence, I wouldn't want someone who didn't like me for me and I'm happy with myself but it still left a mark on me. I can't shake the feeling that I'm somewhat defective and no one will ever love me for me. I know that isn't true and yet it still sticks in my head. I feel stupid because I want to be stronger than this, I really do. I consider myself a pretty strong person so I feel pathetic whenever I have anything remotely like romantic feelings for someone, my mind tries to get me to focus on all their imperfections to try and dissuade me from doing anything. How am I really supposed to develop feelings for anyone when my mind is constantly telling me that this will only be detrimental for me and I'll end up broken and used? There's so much everywhere about divorce rates and relationships breaking down, it just makes me wonder that if I get in a relationship, the odds of it working are minute. I don't really know what I'm looking for by writing this, other than to vent. Reassurance? Is there anyone else who feels similar? Is there anyone who has gotten past this? I'd really just love some help setting my mind at ease. Again, thank you very much if you read all this, if I sound like I'm complaining or whining, that really wasn't my intention and I hope it doesn't come across like this.

What you are saying sounds very familiar to me. I am having troubles when somebody seems to be interested in me. In the past I met a nice girl and we started dating and it caused a relapse. Eventually it didn't work out between us and I felt terrible. I was in the middle of a relapse...for nothing because we broke up. Since then I have huge problems in getting an intimate relationship. Afraid of another relapse, afraid of being abandoned. It's not excactely the same reasons you have, but know you are not alone. Unfortunatelly I haven't got any tips for you to help you. The only thing I can think of... take your time. If you take things slow and the person you like is worth it.... go for it. I know it's hard (I still haven't been able to go for it again).... but try to do it. By taking your time you can get used to it step by step. If the person is right for you..... he'll understand it and will give you the time you need. Best of luck!

Thank you, it's so good to know it's not just me. And you're right, I shouldn't rush these things. It's important to wait until I'm ready for these things. Baby steps and everything. I'm sorry you had a relapse, intimate relationships can seem like such a huge thing, best of luck to you too :)

Thanks. Baby steps are always a good thing to do. Hopefully you will be able to do it when you meet a nice person!

Baby steps are the best way. I went on two dates near the end of our school year and I was very very very nervous about said date. I took Xanax before each. Xanax increases my libido a lot and I drove this person away. They were unaware of my anxiety disorder and thought I was just super touchy. The person that makes me very happy in an emotional way is in a relationship already, and the other and I are just very good friends. I'm scared of dating and having relationships, but I'm working on it too. too bad the only people with whom I would like to have a relationship are already in them. Good luck :)

My recommendation would be to approach your anxiety indirectly. Get involved in a yoga class or start meditating. These practices will bring your anxiety levels down so you can control yourself in the moment of anxiety. When you react differently you will get different results in your relationships. :) good luck!

So many people in my life have hurt and betrayed me. I know how you feel. It's like no one seems quite trustworthy and you don't want to open up. I have two friends I can tell anything to - one of which is my boyfriend. Other than that, my casual friends don't know anything intimate about me, because I won't let them know.

My advice to you is to work on stress-relieving methods like yoga, poetry, taking a hot bath, reading, or whatever makes you feel at ease. Get plenty of sleep and most importantly: try not to worry about this problem too much. I find that thinking about it for hours only makes it worse. Instead, make it a goal to say hi to people you know when you see them and maybe even try to have a simple conversation. Nothing too deep, just likes/dislikes kind of thing. Remember that someone can be your friend without knowing every minute detail about you.