jl324
03-23-2012, 09:25 PM
I've recently been growing concerned I may be agoraphobic. I've had anxiety issues for quite some time but they seem to be getting progressively worse. I just moved to a different state with my boyfriend about a month ago. We moved because we are expecting a baby this summer and wanted to be closer to our families, My family lives about 2 hours from the city we moved to. Other than my boyfriend, I do not know anyone here except for meeting a few of his friends a couple of times. My anxiety has absolutely gotten much worse since the move, and I keep letting myself think it was caused by the move but I keep having to remind myself it was like this before the move as well. I turn 24 tomorrow, and before we moved here, Id lived in the same city I was born in. I have had these anxiety issues for years. The past year or year and a half, I feel like I tricked myself into thinking I didn't have these issues by going out, a lot, pretty much every single night. I told myself I was fine since I was able to go out at night. But the truth is I wasn't. I was staying inside all day. I got a puppy and I have always had and loved animals, more than anything, but I think part of the reason I got this latest puppy was for companionship, and also because it literally FORCED me to leave my apartment, even if just to go for a quick walk outside so she could go to the bathroom.
I have noticed that what I tend to do is find a couple of "safe" places, where I feel comfortable, even more comfortable than if I am sitting at home, and frequent these places as much as possible, yet just going outside for a few moments, even just to walk the 20 feet to my car, or to run an easy errand, or go grocery shopping, are EXTREMELY difficult situations, for which I usually find an excuse to not do.
Before I moved, I had not done the usual going out that most people my age would have done, until the last year or so before I moved. My best friend was a bartender at a little hole in the wall bar, and even though I didn't really drink before I started hanging out with her there, I went there every day. It became one of my safety zones, which caused a lot of problems between me and my boyfriend. Also the dog park. Ive always felt more comfortable around animals. I would take my dog to the dogpark every day, for hours. If it was raining or stormy I felt lost and upset that I had no where to go where I felt comfortable. I feel trapped when I stay home, like i'm suffocating, yet I cling to it and don't leave the house because I am scared, even though I don't know WHY or of what I am scared of.
Since moving, it has gotten much worse. I now have NO comfort areas other than our apartment. Its causing extreme tension between me and my boyfriend. I've been unemployed for about a year, and am terrified of running an errand at a store much less working somewhere. My hope is to find somewhere I can work that i can make a comfort/"safe" place, where i then WANT to spend time, but its the starting out that is so scary to me and causes me so much anxiety, that I cant find a job. This causes problems because my boyfriend works every day and we need more money and he's talking about getting a second job since we need more money for when the baby arrives, and he's already always stressed from work and talking about adding on more to his plate, and I feel worthless and guilty for not feeling like i can contribute anything. He tries to be understanding but he just doesn't get it. He thinks i'm lazy, that I just don't want to work, or do anything, but thats not it at all. We have also had a lot of problems because I have definitely become clingy since we moved here. Thats not my personality at all. I have always been extremely independent. But I feel like I've turned into a small child or something since we moved. since Im home all alone(other than the pets) all day long, while he's at work, when he IS home, I cling. I want us to do everything together. He wants time alone, either just with his friends or just on his own, and although I RATIONALLY know this is normal, my emotional side takes over and I get extremely upset and feel like i'm being abandoned and that he doesn't love me and just wants to be away from me. With our baby on the way, Im trying so hard to make everything about her, and I want to get better for myself but also for her, and I know its not good for her for me to be upset/anxious/depressed, so I try not to be but I cant control it. It is how I feel and I feel like I cant do anything about it.
I know I need to see a therapist but due to my anxiety Im having trouble with just making myself go ahead and do it.
I feel very alone, Im nervous to talk to my boyfriend about any of this because I feel like he judges me more than feels empathy or understanding,and what i need is support, not judgement, but I know he just has trouble understanding how I feel since he's not feeling it himself. I guess I just needed an outlet because it is taking a lot out of me to hold all of this inside and pretend everything's okay when in reality i'm anxious and depressed about this every second of every day..
I have noticed that what I tend to do is find a couple of "safe" places, where I feel comfortable, even more comfortable than if I am sitting at home, and frequent these places as much as possible, yet just going outside for a few moments, even just to walk the 20 feet to my car, or to run an easy errand, or go grocery shopping, are EXTREMELY difficult situations, for which I usually find an excuse to not do.
Before I moved, I had not done the usual going out that most people my age would have done, until the last year or so before I moved. My best friend was a bartender at a little hole in the wall bar, and even though I didn't really drink before I started hanging out with her there, I went there every day. It became one of my safety zones, which caused a lot of problems between me and my boyfriend. Also the dog park. Ive always felt more comfortable around animals. I would take my dog to the dogpark every day, for hours. If it was raining or stormy I felt lost and upset that I had no where to go where I felt comfortable. I feel trapped when I stay home, like i'm suffocating, yet I cling to it and don't leave the house because I am scared, even though I don't know WHY or of what I am scared of.
Since moving, it has gotten much worse. I now have NO comfort areas other than our apartment. Its causing extreme tension between me and my boyfriend. I've been unemployed for about a year, and am terrified of running an errand at a store much less working somewhere. My hope is to find somewhere I can work that i can make a comfort/"safe" place, where i then WANT to spend time, but its the starting out that is so scary to me and causes me so much anxiety, that I cant find a job. This causes problems because my boyfriend works every day and we need more money and he's talking about getting a second job since we need more money for when the baby arrives, and he's already always stressed from work and talking about adding on more to his plate, and I feel worthless and guilty for not feeling like i can contribute anything. He tries to be understanding but he just doesn't get it. He thinks i'm lazy, that I just don't want to work, or do anything, but thats not it at all. We have also had a lot of problems because I have definitely become clingy since we moved here. Thats not my personality at all. I have always been extremely independent. But I feel like I've turned into a small child or something since we moved. since Im home all alone(other than the pets) all day long, while he's at work, when he IS home, I cling. I want us to do everything together. He wants time alone, either just with his friends or just on his own, and although I RATIONALLY know this is normal, my emotional side takes over and I get extremely upset and feel like i'm being abandoned and that he doesn't love me and just wants to be away from me. With our baby on the way, Im trying so hard to make everything about her, and I want to get better for myself but also for her, and I know its not good for her for me to be upset/anxious/depressed, so I try not to be but I cant control it. It is how I feel and I feel like I cant do anything about it.
I know I need to see a therapist but due to my anxiety Im having trouble with just making myself go ahead and do it.
I feel very alone, Im nervous to talk to my boyfriend about any of this because I feel like he judges me more than feels empathy or understanding,and what i need is support, not judgement, but I know he just has trouble understanding how I feel since he's not feeling it himself. I guess I just needed an outlet because it is taking a lot out of me to hold all of this inside and pretend everything's okay when in reality i'm anxious and depressed about this every second of every day..