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[klsmom]

Hi there. I do not suffer from agrophobia but my husband does along with a host of other things that contribute to that. I would really like to talk to some of you to get nsights on what I can do to help but not be enabling. Please let me know.
Celeste

[jitters]

Its a difficult one I never know what to tell my wife to do to help. To soft and youre enabling too hard and youre gonna just increase his anxiety... well heres some advice from my research.

As a family member or friend of someone who is experiencing one or any of these disorders, here are a few ways you can help them:

* Don’t criticize them for feeling poorly. Their condition isn’t something they can “just snap out of.” It takes the right information and hard work in order to recover and live a normal life again. There are NO shortcuts or “quick fix cures” once these conditions become entrenched. While self-help information can be very helpful, often full and lasting recovery requires the assistance and support of an experienced anxiety coach, psychologist, or counselor.

* Be patient with them. While the condition may appear obvious, the internal reality of it is much different and harder to turn around. It takes the right information and applied effort to return to normal health. It also takes an abundance of time...more than one would expect. This is because once the body becomes overstimulated, it takes a very long time for it to return to its normal health. Patience is required…and often much more than you think.

* Remove as much stress and pressure as you can. Stress and pressure will aggravate their condition. Rest and calm will help to sooth and heal it. This is especially important during the recovery process. Once they return to normal health, they will be once again able to handle the normal stresses of daily life.

Yes, for someone who hasn’t experienced one (or any) of these conditions first-hand, it’s difficult (even frustrating) to understand what a sufferer goes through. But, you can play an important role in their recovery by being patient with them, by learning as much as you can about their condition, and by helping your loved one to recover through encouragement. Another way you can both help and get involved is to go with them to some group sessions or one on one sessions.

[klsmom]

Thankyou for the imformation. We are doing those things. However we are in such bad shape finically that we cannot have a stable home or foundation that will help. No one understands outside of us and his therapist. I feel as though time is the war and I am losing the battles everyday. I fear that soon death and despair will claim my husband as a solidier. I am scared and do not know what to do to make it any better. Right now he is suggereing from seperation anxiety from me. It started over a year ago and has not gotten any better. So right now I am unable to work and that is what was providing us with some type of income. His parents are paying essentials, untiol they move here with us, but then what? His father thinks just because he is here in town that automatically I can go back to work. But you know as well as I do that it doesn't work that way. He has been to a therapist steady now for a year and there is no marked improvement in fact thinga are getting worse then ever. I am stuck and terrified. I keep saying that it is all going to be alright but I am not sure that it will be.

[jitters]

When I came down with Anxiety I was working full time and my wife was just about to have our first child. She was going to stay at home and I was to work full time so after two months I left my job as I hadn't worked in that time. After about 9 months I was no better and due to the fact that none of our payment insurance policies cover anxiety related illness. So my wife returned to work at first I assume that the separation would make me worse, but it didnt. I improved due to the worries about money being slowly lifted from my shoulders.

The fact is your staying at home is probably enabling him try to go out and leave him more often this will encourage him to do more for himself and feel more like a man rather than your son.

The truth is it will be hard but suconciously he knows you need a life too talk to him explain why you need to work. Encourge him to take up hobbies maybe computers etc. to occupy his mind while you work. Clearly you love him or you would not of tolerated the burden of such an illness, the impact on your social life etc.

He will get better but you must communicate, having your perants there will help you to cope having someone to talk to. But beware your husband probably feels threatend by their up coming move and it will make him feel more inadiquate than ever. Theres not much you can do about this it is part of the illness (low self esteem). Try to use this as a reason to return to work that once you can return to work, you can both get your independance from your perents back. Start by going back part time, remember it is essencial that you husband has a reason to recover you may think that he just does but it is easy to become dependant all stress removed from your life. Remind him you cannot live like this forever and that you will do whatever you can to help him recover. But dont mother him, Return to work bit by bit allowing him to look after himself.

This illness is hard and you must be understanding and caring but by living your life you will encourage him to work hard to join you.

Duncan

P.S. As he is an ex-soldier is his condition caused by Post Trumatic Stress.

[klsmom]

I was working all the time until alst year when all of the sudden the thought of me not being near him caused a MAJOR panic attack. Since then we have been unable even with the therapist to break this cycle. Our lives are in such disarray that the only thing we have right now that is stable is each other. Yes I do love very much and I know and hope things will be better, but I feel that he has such hopelessness. I constantly worry that he will do something stupid if you know what I mean. He keeps saying lately that living like this is not worth the effort and that the only reason he is still here is because of me and the girls. THanks for listening to me. Yes he does suffer from Post traumatic stress disorder, along with agrophobia, gad, panic attacks, depression and an obessive personality. There is so much work but until we have a stable life there is nothing I fear that will make it better. When I was working we were struggling then as well. I do not have a college degree and so I was not making much money, You know how it is.
Celeste

[jitters]

Yep life can suck, but try to keep upbeat, or you might slip into depression yourself. It sounds like you are doing all you can don't be too hard on yourself, you will given time and the right help get through this. Try to smile it helps honest. :D

[BrokenSmile]

Being agoraphobic myself, I think the best thing you can do for your husband is BELIEVE him. He's not making this up nor is he exaggerating.

Nudge him gently and lovingly to push through his boundaries S L O W L Y and praise him whenever he does make an attempt - even if he fails.

Unfortunately, unless people have this disorder, it's almost impossible for them to understand so it is a very lonely disorder.

The absolute worst thing your husband can do is stay home. The more you avoid, the worse the condition becomes.

[TiaLimaria]

I too suffer from agoraphobia, with PTSD, and I can tend to get on the OCD side if my panic has gone a bit out of control. It really is hard for the loved ones. But I definitely can identify with your husband and the major panic attack and separation episode. He has to rewrite that in his brain. I get separation anxiety with my daughter. I suffer horribly from it sometimes shakes, etc... There are valid reasons to my feelings, and then there are also irrational things (like my episodes that ravel out of control). That's not to say we are "irrational", it's just saying our brains are not at that moment in time functioning rationally, the way they are intended to. We have a "malfunction", that gets fed by more fear of it happening.

The way I deal with this, and it's not always easy either with the flashbacks, she & I keep in contact throughout the day. My biggest fear, is something happening to her, and I cannot be there, that just breaks my heart to no end. OR, my dying and never getting to say goodbye...these are the fears that often go through our heads. I knwo many might have them, but with our brains short circuiting, we cannot rationalize that at a given moment.

How I deal with it. We have call in times. I find things to keep myself occupied throughout the day. I joined groups like this, found new hobbies, busymyself around my home, and work on being outside of the home. Thing is, at any given moment I can have a "tsunami", out of no where this all can strike, I need my footing, I get knocked off. I think he's knocked off his footing right now.

One very essential thing I find, is to keep to time-my daughter is off by half an hour, I panic terribly! I know it's not all her issue, but she as well as others sometimes take advantage or disregard our feelings because we are home all the time. It's not like this is where we want to be. Everything needs to be done in baby steps, and sometimes we fall back, and have to start over again. (sorry if I am not making complete sense at the moment, I am presently having a panic attack just reading this all, I can all too well identify).

It does take so much work, there are so many fincial burdens. Kudos to you both for the support, love and patience you give your partners. Being able to explain it to others, I liken it this way: imagine you walk out your front door every day and get hit by a bolt of lightening, you retreat, tomorrow it's the same...you are encouraged to move ahead even though you keep getting struck, sometimes there might not be a bolt, sometimes there are tons, even when you retreat!!! That's what we are up against.

Has your husband tried any meds? What about speaking to his PCP for something to qwell the really bad panic for a short term? Also has he tried joining a group like this? I find groups like this are great, you can speak pretty easily without being identified, you know having to look someone in the face, and still stay virtually anonymous (unless you decide to do otherwise).

I wish you both good luck with things, I know it's a long, long hard road, one I have been on for many years, and just really starting to understand myself.

Hey, and don't hesitate to ask me questions, hopefully I can give some insight???

hugs Tia ;)

[klsmom]

Thanks for the advice and knowing that there are pthers out there helps a lot. My fa,ily does not understand what is going on and me staying with him right now to them is "enabling" but his therapist does think so. Right now our life is such a disarray that there is no foundation that is solid enough to work off of. He can take xanax but that is it. The others are too high a doseage of seretonin and after like three weeks on them he becomes terribly manic. It sucks because if there was a med that would work trust me he would take it. He would do anything to stop this insanity. Thanks for the talk. I do appreciate it .

[candy]

im not married or anything but i am in high school and do i guess you can say "suffer" from this. There is really nothing that any one can do that doesn't truely understand what you are going through. The best thing i can tell you is to let him know that your there and that with any situation there is always options to getting "safetly" just be there for him tell him you love him and that no matter what your there! i hope this has helped you some

[klsmom]

Thank you for the help. I appreciate everyone being so nice and helpful. We are just taking it one day ata time. He has lost hope and is sinking in a deep depression that is really beginning to worry me. However, I am trying to keep the faith as they say. It gets hard sometimes but I know we can get through it.

[squirt]

Try and get him to enroll in a cbt group if you can get him to leave the house or if that is too hard perhaps you can work with him so he can help himself if you could help him do the cbt exercises or do them with him. Learning the thought countering techniques in cbt has helped me immensely. Get the book we started with in my group called Been there, done that? do this! by sam obitz (www.tao3.com (http://www.tao3.com)). The tea form exercise in that book is the one that has helped me the most. I hope this is useful to you.