anonreed
03-21-2012, 11:22 PM
I really don't know if this is the right place to post this, and I really apologize if it's not...but I'm just having a really really hard time and really need to talk to people who understand.
About 6 months ago, my partner of 2 years began having intense and frequent panic attacks, and was diagnosed with GAD with hypomania. At the exact same time, I became unemployed and began struggling with mild depression. It was a terrible combination - rather than reach out to me for support, my partner pushed me away. She said that she felt like she could barely take care of herself, and though she didn't want to break up, she was very clear with me that she could not be accountable to my needs. Specifically, the thought of being accountable to another person, or meeting another person's emotional needs, was very triggering of her anxiety. She said she felt most calm and at peace when she felt independent and beholden to no one.
My partner had previously been incredibly affectionate, present, and invested in our relationship - now all of a sudden she was acting distant and insensitive. I was struggling with unemployment and depression and felt totally abandoned, and on top of that, I was terrified that she was going to leave me. I wanted so badly for her to let me in, and to let me emotionally support her...and though she constantly said that I was "the only person who understood"...she very much kept her distance from me.
We got through that period, just barely, and things are better now - I'm working again and my depression is mostly gone. My partner is still very much struggling with GAD, but it's a lot more under control now, and she has been a lot more present and loving lately.
But I feel totally scarred by what happened between us, and I don't know how to recover. I'm a mess. I went from being a confident person who had no doubts about the security of my relationship, to being an anxious partner with TOTALLY debilitating insecurity. I feel unbearable amounts of anxiety and insecurity in our relationship - I feel like I almost lost her, so there's no reason I won't lose her again. I feel unattractive, uninteresting and undeserving. I feel like she has all the power and I have none of it. I feel completely unsafe and anxious. I'm obsessive about giving her space because I don't ever want her to feel crowded or that she doesn't have her independence.
And the worst part is - when we were going through that rough patch, and she was dealing with panic attacks and I was dealing with depression...every time I reached out to her for support, I got super burned. She was really clear with me that she had NO ability to process anything emotional with me at that time - that she was barely keeping her head above water, and she didn't have the ability to support me. The times that we almost broke up were almost ALWAYS triggered by me asking for something I needed, and her telling me that she couldn't meet that need, and maybe I should just break up with her since she's not able to be there for me.
So NOW, even though she's more present, I'm terrified of asserting my needs. During our rough patch, I basically learned that every time I asserted a need, I risked losing her. So now I feel totally unsafe asking for something I need, or going to her for emotional support...because I'm afraid that if I ask her for emotional support, she'll decide that a relationship is too much to handle with her GAD, and she'll leave me.
The whole thing is a terrible situation. I feel like I have acquired this insecurity for real reasons, but now, even though our relationship has gotten better, the insecurity has stuck around, and is threatening to destroy everything. I know that things are totally unsustainable the way they are, but I don't know what to do. I really love this woman and feel like we have something that is worth working for. I just don't know how to heal all of the pain and insecurity that has built up in me.
About 6 months ago, my partner of 2 years began having intense and frequent panic attacks, and was diagnosed with GAD with hypomania. At the exact same time, I became unemployed and began struggling with mild depression. It was a terrible combination - rather than reach out to me for support, my partner pushed me away. She said that she felt like she could barely take care of herself, and though she didn't want to break up, she was very clear with me that she could not be accountable to my needs. Specifically, the thought of being accountable to another person, or meeting another person's emotional needs, was very triggering of her anxiety. She said she felt most calm and at peace when she felt independent and beholden to no one.
My partner had previously been incredibly affectionate, present, and invested in our relationship - now all of a sudden she was acting distant and insensitive. I was struggling with unemployment and depression and felt totally abandoned, and on top of that, I was terrified that she was going to leave me. I wanted so badly for her to let me in, and to let me emotionally support her...and though she constantly said that I was "the only person who understood"...she very much kept her distance from me.
We got through that period, just barely, and things are better now - I'm working again and my depression is mostly gone. My partner is still very much struggling with GAD, but it's a lot more under control now, and she has been a lot more present and loving lately.
But I feel totally scarred by what happened between us, and I don't know how to recover. I'm a mess. I went from being a confident person who had no doubts about the security of my relationship, to being an anxious partner with TOTALLY debilitating insecurity. I feel unbearable amounts of anxiety and insecurity in our relationship - I feel like I almost lost her, so there's no reason I won't lose her again. I feel unattractive, uninteresting and undeserving. I feel like she has all the power and I have none of it. I feel completely unsafe and anxious. I'm obsessive about giving her space because I don't ever want her to feel crowded or that she doesn't have her independence.
And the worst part is - when we were going through that rough patch, and she was dealing with panic attacks and I was dealing with depression...every time I reached out to her for support, I got super burned. She was really clear with me that she had NO ability to process anything emotional with me at that time - that she was barely keeping her head above water, and she didn't have the ability to support me. The times that we almost broke up were almost ALWAYS triggered by me asking for something I needed, and her telling me that she couldn't meet that need, and maybe I should just break up with her since she's not able to be there for me.
So NOW, even though she's more present, I'm terrified of asserting my needs. During our rough patch, I basically learned that every time I asserted a need, I risked losing her. So now I feel totally unsafe asking for something I need, or going to her for emotional support...because I'm afraid that if I ask her for emotional support, she'll decide that a relationship is too much to handle with her GAD, and she'll leave me.
The whole thing is a terrible situation. I feel like I have acquired this insecurity for real reasons, but now, even though our relationship has gotten better, the insecurity has stuck around, and is threatening to destroy everything. I know that things are totally unsustainable the way they are, but I don't know what to do. I really love this woman and feel like we have something that is worth working for. I just don't know how to heal all of the pain and insecurity that has built up in me.