can anyone relate to this...

[anxiousmess]

i'm not sure if i'm an odd-bod or if there is actual rational thinking behind this!

just been thinking there, and it's a thought that has entered my head many times before.

if i was to get help to help me combat my anxiety and other issues - then who the hell would i be without them?
i have had anxiety for all of my life - i know no different.
what if i couldn't cope not being me.
it would mean that i would completely change my whole personality - just to fit in to 'normal' society? i suppose it would be so that i could be happy too. but what if i'm not?
what if i end up so much better that i feel ten times worse?
i know that sounds irish, but what if that is the case?

what if i didn't like myself being the way i would be if i was changed?
what if i was different with my kids - but in a worse way?
what if my family no longer liked me?
what if my boyfriend no longer liked me?

i know i'm safe-ish the way i am now. what if i end up so confident i end up a right knob to the point i can no longer stand myself?

[ladywillow]

I get those thoughts all the time. I think it's the insidious anxiety trying its darnedest to let you keep it in your mind.

The thing is, you are already who you are! You are not your anxiety, your anxiety just is a byproduct of stress and adrenaline. You will be the same person you are now, but with better coping skills and a more spontaneous demeanor. You will be able to deal with the stress and you can let all the regret of feeling like crap go!

You will always have some anxiety, every single person on earth does, and you may have a few bad days here and there, but overall I think you will be a happier person who is able to put more thought into things they LIKE than the things they dont like.

If you are anything like me, the thought of anxiety is always in the background. But when I have time to think I don't think of fun things like going to the park, I let the anxiety come to the FOREGROUND. I am trying really hard to teach myself that anxiety needs to stay in the BACKGROUND.

[anxiousmess]

thanx ladywillow!

i can totally see what you are saying...but it's as if my mind won't accept it.
which sounds really stupid, i know! but i'm just being honest.

i don't know if it's to do with the fact i don't like change? i don't know if it's the anxiety keeping me pulled in - as i'm aware that not liking change is also a fear. which fear is anxiety!

i do wish i could be confident enough though to just think "sod it, i'm going here today" ...i guess i just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
but why would i...when i've always been this way.

soooooo...i guess i can see where my thinking is going wrong, but after 25 years of this way of thinking, i don't know anything else.
i guess this is what therapy is for!
i'm even doing it now - i need things as facts before i can accept things. right now, with me the way i am ...is a fact. me being changed and being happy isn't. that's where the fear of change comes in

i wish i could stop anazlying everything:rolleyes:

[ladywillow]

Don't worry anxious. I'm the same way. In fact, most of the time I am the pot calling the kettle black. It takes me for freakin' ever to get over a change. I don't like change. I like schedule. I am working really hard to try and change my point of view. It is difficult, but I have decided I'm done with this anxiety crap and I will NOT let it ruin my life. Even if it means for only 2 minutes a day I think "I am ME. I am not ANXIETY!" It's a bugger, isn't it!

[anxiousmess]

it really is. i never know whether i'm coming or going.
you've got me thinking of the other side of things now! like, would i really benefit from change? then... or would i not?
i'll obsess over this for hours now.
that'll fade, then another question to think about for hours will take its place!

lyrics for a song there - to the 'gala - freed from desire' tune
i am meee. i am not anxiety.
anxiety ...you are not my destiny

sorry, just had to share that! gonna be singing that for hours too haha

[anxiousmess]

thanx kev.
i can't do change without a huge battle! i reaaaaaaaly can't! i've still got some baby toys from my 7 and 8 year old!
i remember when i was little - i had this green corded jacket...when i look back, i cringe. but at the time i wouldn't wear anything else.
i won't even move with the fasion - jeans and a vest top. even in winter...with a coat on, always. even in summer haha. i'm a weirdo.

i even stick with the same foods. if i eat a chicken burger once, then i will have it over and over again until that fades and i move on to something else. a chicken burger would be added to my list of foods that i like though.

i guess my first battle would be to accept change. how i'm going to do that is beyond me!

[anxiousmess]

hmm...could it be my sisters moving out when i was younger?
my dad was always at work and my mam was an alcoholic. my sister was the one who brought me up in a sense, only she left and i was all alone.
even my sis(the one who brought me up) feels bad, as she said her and my other sis had each other. i had no one.

my mam is a hoarder ...can't throw anything away. i end up as a storage space for alot of their things lol. it's not out of control though. my dad has the ocd where everything needs to be tidy and in place - so does me mam really. so it's always clean and unmessy at theirs - so the hoarding is well under control.
so that could be where i've got it from.

as for the eating - i am trying with that in small steps. tasting little bits here and there in hope i will like them eventually!
so far, so good. apart from my recent lack of eating. but i'll be back at it in no time :)