Will it ever go away?

[life-is-too-hard]

I'm 20 years old and I had a baby in July and a before that I had a baby in November so I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old, I get anxiety a lot! I also have self esteem issues I worry so much that my husband is looking at other girls or finding other girls more attractive than me. When I see a girl I find is pretty I will see him glance and it only takes a glance for me to freak out. I will cry and hate myself for being not like that other girl. And I take it out on my husband. I know now it really is self esteem issues because I'm hating my body and I'll only look for the skinny girls and cry that my body isn't like hers. And I never worry about if he finds her face attractive but see now that I'm aware of that I'm developing another self esteem thing. I'm pushing him away and that's not what I want. All I want is to the only girl he sees and likes and loves. I know he loves me and all but when I see skinny pretty girls I get really mad at myself I want to curl up and cut all the fat off with a knife. I don't of course but that's why I get so mad. Because I can't do anything about how they look better than me. I'm 5'2 110 pounds I know it sounds skinny but if you saw me I look chubby. Specially in the thighs that's my problem area. Also from being pregnant and breast feeding my breasts have dropped in size and position. They look small and saggy and wrinkly if I hold one with my has it can lay flat in my palm. And I'm only 20! Also I lost custody of my first born for two years. I have her now again but this panic and anxiety started the week I lost her I had a panic attack in the middle of the night I jumped out of bed and for some reason I ran into my bathroom and started drinking water out of the faucet thinking I was dying because I was dehydrated or something it didn't help and this panic attack lasted for a year and a half non stop! I'm just now starting to get over it but every once in a while I will have it again but then it goes away in like 30 minutes or less. I constantly feel like I'm stuck in a dream and I feel like I don't care about anything like nothing matters anymore. I lost the bond with my first born so now I'm a lot of times feeling regret of her like maybe I should just give her back to the foster parents. But with my youngest I feel if I lose her I will start all over again and I'm building a slow bond with her. But my oldest she gets into all my makeup and ruins it and I get so mad at her I could take her back to her foster home myself. I love her but my bond is broken and I'm holding myself back from bonding with her again and I don't know why. I'm really screwed up and I just want it over. When will it go away?

[anxiousmess]

hiya.
i was also young when i had my first child. i was pregnant at 15, and 16 when i had her. i also struggled to gain a bond with my daughter, as i found grandparents wouldn't let me do anything. i was also suffering with post natal depression...and i think you are too!
i also think it might be good for you to look up body dysmorphic disorder. i'm not sure if you have this or not as i am no doctor, and it could also just be due to your depression.
you definitely need to speak to a therapist of some sort about your issues as you are killing yourself with guilt!
you feel guilty about your body - which you shouldn't
you feel guilty for your partner - which you shouldn't
you feel guilty about your daughter - which you shouldn't

everything you are dealing with here can be sorted with a little extra help.
you can be happy with your body, your partner and your children! you just need to allow yourself to be!

[lorettajeni]

hey y u discourage urself, you can trigger out urself, try to bring self confident in you and do some fitness and eat proper food and maintain ur health...rest will come automatically...

[Zero]

Honestly, 5'2 and 110 pounds is pretty skinny (and is like the perfect weight for a young female like yourself). I have a friend who is 5'3 and 120 pounds and she was considered one of the hottest girls in my high school. She wasn't stick skinny, but everyone still thought she was gorgeous, because she had such a hot body. Her chest was also only average in size too and her legs were kind of chubby, but i guess it must have been the way she presented herself that all the guys found her attractive, as she always wore these really cute outfits.