NativeLady_2010
03-16-2012, 02:20 AM
So the last month was going pretty smooth. I was, and still am sleeping through the night (fingers crossed it continues). I was having nocturnal attacks every night. My anxiety was minimal. I was pushing forward and doing the positive thinking and even though there was still some lingering anxiety it wasn't slowing me down anymore. I could feel it lifting. Then the past week the weather changed. Its soooooo nice out here (iowa). Just beautiful, then out of nowhere I thought of my Grandma that passed in Jan. I broke down. She loved this weather. It sounds completely weird, but I feel like shes getting further and further away. Like we are "leaving" her in the wintertime. I was coming to terms with her passing. Feeling ok about it. Then its like it just snowballed back on me. I love that woman with all my heart. She was my 2nd mother. I had a bad panic attack at work last night. I really don't know how I got through the last hour of work. My ears and face felt like they were burning off. But I HAD to maintain, I'm a bartender in a casino. So its not like I can run and hide. I feel defeated because I didn't go to work today, I had another panic attack tonight. Its weird because it was the same time I had the other one last night. So now I am terrified to go to work tomorrow. I thought I was done grieving, but it popped back up. I really didn't help seeing this old lady that looked like my grandma. I just watched her walk by, I almost wanted to talk to her, just to imagine it was her. but I wouldn't bother anyone like that. Death is so final. We can't bargain with it, we can't talk to them "just one more time". Theres no do overs. All I know is I miss her, and I panic. What else is there?