this again

[okami1995]

This is the first thread that I ever posted here, but it's still bothering me.

"Alright, so basically, every now and then, anxiety will hit me and stay for up to three months. During this time, if I get something off my chest, something else will inevitably come and bother me shortly afterwards. Anyway, I will now proceed to tell you what is currently bothering me. It's kind of embarrassing, so please don't feel the need to try and make me feel worse than I already do by telling me there's something wrong with me or that I belong in a hospital, because I've heard stuff like that before, and it really does just make me feel worse.

Anyhow, about half a year ago, I went through a period of depression. During this time, I became incredibly lazy. So at night, if I could not be bothered to go to the toilet, I would simply pee on the carpet and wall in a corner of my room. I know it's unpleasant and unhygienic and incredibly lazy, so again, please don't bother to say so in you reply. The reason I feel so ashamed and guilty about this is as follows. As a sixteen year old, I naturally still live with my parents. So I feel guilty because I feel like I've betrayed my mum's trust by doing this. I want to be able to tell her about it to get it off my chest, but I'm too afraid to do it, as I'm worried about what her reaction will be like. I know she would forgive me for anything, but this is what anxiety does to you.

If I manage to tell her, I will finally get it off my chest. She might be angry for a few hours, but after that, things would be fine again. It's worth doing, but I can't break through my wall of fear and do it. I've stopped myself from peeing on the carpet for a long while now, and cleaned up the carpet, but I still can't shake the guilt. How can I tell my mum about this to free myself at last. Any helpful advice is much appreciated, but may I remind you one last time that if you're just going to make me feel worse, then don't bother to answer. Thanks"

So that's the gist of it. I've spoken to it about with alankay, and his replies to me help me feel better, but I can't do it, I just can't tell her. I'm obsessing over this, and I feel as though I can't forgive myself for it. I mean really, I couldn't be bothered to walk a few feet to go to the toilet. I was somewhat depressed when I started doing it, but when the depression left me, I still continued to do it. Only occasionally, but still enough times. Like I said in the original thread, I cleaned it up, but a long time after I stopped doing it. Thankfully it doesn't smell like urine around that area, but I just feel so ashamed about the whole thing. I know that the majority of people would call me disgusting if they knew about it and reject me, because that's how society works. I've not done anything wrong in the grand scheme of things, but anxiety will not leave me alone about it. I can't see myself ever feeling better about this.

[momof31977]

How about writing her a letter? You don't even have to write it with the intention of giving it to her. Write it as a way of getting it off your chest. See how you feel with that. You might even end up wanting to give it to her.
I know with me, when I talk, I lose the direction of my thoughts and often do much better on paper. You can see what you've hit on and can re-read to make sure you say things how you intended.
Your mom will love you and will support you. She will probably be sad that you've carried this weight on yourself for so long.
I know it sounds silly but I think you need to forgive yourself. So you made a mistake. You've acknowledged it and cleaned up and aren't doing it now. It doesn't make you a bad person at all.

[dancinglemon]

I think you've identified already what it is that you need to do. It's just getting around to doing it that's the very difficult bit, right?
I very much agree with momof31977. When I need to talk about something and I just blurt it out, it often comes out the complete wrong way and the conversation topic meanders off into goodness-knows-what and this is when I'm having good days. On bad days, talking about anything is nigh impossible. So I write down what I want to say, that way, I can edit and poke and prod at it until it's the exact way I want it sounding. Then I just give it to whoever I want to give it to and stick around to answer questions. Sometimes, even just having something like that in your pocket can help. I used this when I first went to see my doctor about my anxiety and even though I didn't need it in the end, it helped that I knew that if I suddenly found I couldn't talk about anything I could just give him what I'd written and he'd know what I was trying to say.
I think you're mum will be understanding, especially if she knows what you're going through. You cleaned everything up and there is no lasting damage, I see no reason why she shouldn't forgive you straight away. You're not a bad person, nor is it laziness that made you do this. Anxiety and depression are pretty powerful enemies and they can make you do things you regret, which you obviously do in this case. Forgive yourself, these things happen, and give yourself some breathing space. One last thing I was always taught is that if you try to tackle a big anxiety thing like this head-on, you will most likely be overwhelmed by it. The trick is to take baby steps. So perhaps, just write down what you would say to her. You don't have to give what you've written to her, nor do you have to tell her but just write it down. Then, perhaps after you've had time to do that, you could practise what you would say or just walk around with the note in your pocket, so you've got it close to hand. Again you don't have to give it to her nor do you have to tell her. Gradually take small steps towards getting this off your chest and the goal will seem that much easier to reach. Hope some of this helps and good luck!