Mark Franklin
03-15-2012, 11:24 AM
Hi everyone,
I've been coping with anxiety for almost three years now. I have many of the same symptoms as described here and in literature. For months, I've been a lurker on forums like this just to reassure myself that there are others out there who deal with these issues like I do -- it's made me feel like I'm not the only one, so thank you.
Last week, I had a small realization that has helped me understand (at least for now) why my anxiety is here. To introduce myself, I wanted to share this with you all.
I've always understood that anxiety served a purpose for us -- it kept us alive throughout history (fight/flight), and it keeps us motivated now. I rationalized that my anxiety is in overdrive for some reason, but I couldn't ever figure out why. When it hit, it felt like I was a child again with irrational fears that couldn't be cured, only acknowledged and hopefully met with reassurance.
So, I thought about that inner child (I call it inner child, but others may call it the imaginative, creative, emotional or true self). For so long, my inner child played a major part in my life (some would call it childhood :) ). I was scared of things, used imagination, dreamed, and loved.
For several reasons, though, responsibility and adulthood had to step up and take over: I had to do well in school, I had to get a job, I had to excel at that job, I had to be a tough guy, I had to show no emotion, I couldn't be vulnerable, I had to be a boss, I had to represent my team, I had to represent myself, I had to represent my family. The inner child would try to stay part of my life, but I wouldn't let it because I thought the inner child would hurt my chances of success.
Therefore, I subconsciously used anxiety to keep the child scared in the corner. I can't read comic books OR I'd be looked at like a child. I can't cry OR I'd be a wuss. I can't be scared OR I'll never accomplish anything. I can't be frustrated about planning a wedding OR I won't fully be there for my wife. I have to compete in sports OR I won't get any better. I can't enjoy sweets OR I'll get fat and die.
What's more, I used anxiety to accomplish -- and be successful at -- things that I didn't really want to do in the first place. My inner child would try to speak up, but I relied on consequences and "what if's" as a way to force myself to do these things.
Well, I've reached a place where I've accomplished many of the things I wanted to accomplish. I have the most amazing wife, reached about as high as I can go in my career (which is no longer fulfilling), have a car, a great condo, live in a big city. I don't have any reasons to keep the child at bay with anxiety.
Therefore, my child (specifically irrational fears) has come out IN FORCE because it's been held at bay for so long, and I don't know how to deal with these things. As any problem solver would do, I've been trying to rationalize and conquer fear and irrational thoughts driven by a big imagination. However, I can't -- it's just the feelings of a child. I can only react.
I have to find a way to let the adult and the child coexist. Specifically, I need to let the child have a voice and not, out of habit, shut it up every time it wants something. That's the challenge right now.
So, I need to practice doing the things my child wants to do:
be emotional
be scared
be sad
be spontaneous
use my imagination
be silly
drink Dr. Pepper (I know that's specific, but I really love Dr. Pepper)
That's the challenge for the forseeable future.
I've come to accept that anxiety will never go away, otherwise I would shut down. So I'm trying - every day - to accept it and listen to it because I think it's trying to tell me something.
I've been coping with anxiety for almost three years now. I have many of the same symptoms as described here and in literature. For months, I've been a lurker on forums like this just to reassure myself that there are others out there who deal with these issues like I do -- it's made me feel like I'm not the only one, so thank you.
Last week, I had a small realization that has helped me understand (at least for now) why my anxiety is here. To introduce myself, I wanted to share this with you all.
I've always understood that anxiety served a purpose for us -- it kept us alive throughout history (fight/flight), and it keeps us motivated now. I rationalized that my anxiety is in overdrive for some reason, but I couldn't ever figure out why. When it hit, it felt like I was a child again with irrational fears that couldn't be cured, only acknowledged and hopefully met with reassurance.
So, I thought about that inner child (I call it inner child, but others may call it the imaginative, creative, emotional or true self). For so long, my inner child played a major part in my life (some would call it childhood :) ). I was scared of things, used imagination, dreamed, and loved.
For several reasons, though, responsibility and adulthood had to step up and take over: I had to do well in school, I had to get a job, I had to excel at that job, I had to be a tough guy, I had to show no emotion, I couldn't be vulnerable, I had to be a boss, I had to represent my team, I had to represent myself, I had to represent my family. The inner child would try to stay part of my life, but I wouldn't let it because I thought the inner child would hurt my chances of success.
Therefore, I subconsciously used anxiety to keep the child scared in the corner. I can't read comic books OR I'd be looked at like a child. I can't cry OR I'd be a wuss. I can't be scared OR I'll never accomplish anything. I can't be frustrated about planning a wedding OR I won't fully be there for my wife. I have to compete in sports OR I won't get any better. I can't enjoy sweets OR I'll get fat and die.
What's more, I used anxiety to accomplish -- and be successful at -- things that I didn't really want to do in the first place. My inner child would try to speak up, but I relied on consequences and "what if's" as a way to force myself to do these things.
Well, I've reached a place where I've accomplished many of the things I wanted to accomplish. I have the most amazing wife, reached about as high as I can go in my career (which is no longer fulfilling), have a car, a great condo, live in a big city. I don't have any reasons to keep the child at bay with anxiety.
Therefore, my child (specifically irrational fears) has come out IN FORCE because it's been held at bay for so long, and I don't know how to deal with these things. As any problem solver would do, I've been trying to rationalize and conquer fear and irrational thoughts driven by a big imagination. However, I can't -- it's just the feelings of a child. I can only react.
I have to find a way to let the adult and the child coexist. Specifically, I need to let the child have a voice and not, out of habit, shut it up every time it wants something. That's the challenge right now.
So, I need to practice doing the things my child wants to do:
be emotional
be scared
be sad
be spontaneous
use my imagination
be silly
drink Dr. Pepper (I know that's specific, but I really love Dr. Pepper)
That's the challenge for the forseeable future.
I've come to accept that anxiety will never go away, otherwise I would shut down. So I'm trying - every day - to accept it and listen to it because I think it's trying to tell me something.