Lost4now
01-03-2007, 06:44 PM
Hello everyone,
Its nice to meet you all.
I’m a 37 year old male with a large history of social anxiety.
I’m finally here. I'll explain what I mean in a moment.
Also this may be quite lengthy but want to lay it all out so that some of you can get a better perspective about me and where I have been and perhaps add some insight into my position that I don't see.
I won't go too far in my past though other than to say I had a troubled childhood, which no doubt contributed to the position I find myself in. Feel free to ask about it however.
I’ve always felt anxious and very quite around other people, especially in groups of 3 or more. I’m very good at articulating my thoughts in writing, but do very poorly in spoken words.
I basically ignored the problems and did what I had to do to make it through another day. I was able to make friends though, with like minded people that kept to themselves and didn’t get out much on the social scene. We mostly went fishing together, or driving around but tended to avoid any large gatherings.
I would chat online with others on IRC about many of my interests, such as philosophy, spirituality, astral projection, meditation, science, computers etc. This is where I got most of the social cohesion I needed, anyways at that time.
Then came Everquest and WOW lol. An online role playing game where thousands get together to battle it out with mythic creatures of all types. It was my escape from the social world, but able to join in with others socially where I didn’t feel so uncomfortable.
What could possibly be better right? Bzzzz Wrong answer lol.
I would come home after work and get online to battle it out with a lot of friends I had made on there, and eventually lost contact with my real life friends because of it.
The thought of having a girl friend crossed my mind many times, and it would have been nice, but I made up excuses like, there is a 50% divorce rate with a lot of broken homes etc etc. I’ve also been approached by a lot of girls asking me out when I was in college, but, the anxiety I had intensified and my mind drew a blank.
I also got into the Sims 2 game, and I think it may have triggered some sadness in me. Creating a lovely wife and then kids and seeing what I was missing was too much for me.
A loneness I had never felt or known before crept into me at that point.
I was tired of that way of life, and decided to move from this small town I was living in, and moved to a big city and a better job.
All my games got deleted off my computer, I started working out, went for long bike rides, and also contemplated where I had been what I had been doing to myself and why I had been doing that to myself. I spoke to a therapist (one session so far) about my childhood and she said it was a miracle I had made it to where I am today. Perhaps she was telling me what I wanted to hear.
I spent the last year questioning my thoughts in every action I would partake in, in order to dissect them and trace the problems back to the source. I would contemplate on my past and take those events into consideration with my current thoughts. I read books on positive thinking and through them, have had a lot of success in retraining my thoughts. I replaced negative thoughts with positive thoughts, and meshed bad childhood experiences with positive experiences that also occurred around the same time. This in effect, caused old memories to come to life I had completely forgotten about.
It also brought back my emotions that I had suppressed for such a long time. I was like Data from Star Trek for good part of my life. Somehow, creating those sim characters and feeling the joy in creating a family showed me what I was missing emotionally.
I got involved in some dating sites to see what is out there, and started chatting with some girls. It didn’t take long to find one wherein our emails were the same in thought. She had the same interests, beliefs, and that connection you feel that is just right, hard to explain.
She gave me her cell number and when I called her, my mind drew a blank, when I had so much to say to her and ask her. She wrote me an email saying it didn’t seem like I was that much into her as I had let on. It was pretty disappointing to say the least!
Then I questioned, why is this happening to me
Then I did a search for social anxiety and found a website that listed many of the traits, which almost matched me to a perfect T.
Well, that is what I mean by, I have finally found it.
I just hope I can get through this.
Its nice to meet you all.
I’m a 37 year old male with a large history of social anxiety.
I’m finally here. I'll explain what I mean in a moment.
Also this may be quite lengthy but want to lay it all out so that some of you can get a better perspective about me and where I have been and perhaps add some insight into my position that I don't see.
I won't go too far in my past though other than to say I had a troubled childhood, which no doubt contributed to the position I find myself in. Feel free to ask about it however.
I’ve always felt anxious and very quite around other people, especially in groups of 3 or more. I’m very good at articulating my thoughts in writing, but do very poorly in spoken words.
I basically ignored the problems and did what I had to do to make it through another day. I was able to make friends though, with like minded people that kept to themselves and didn’t get out much on the social scene. We mostly went fishing together, or driving around but tended to avoid any large gatherings.
I would chat online with others on IRC about many of my interests, such as philosophy, spirituality, astral projection, meditation, science, computers etc. This is where I got most of the social cohesion I needed, anyways at that time.
Then came Everquest and WOW lol. An online role playing game where thousands get together to battle it out with mythic creatures of all types. It was my escape from the social world, but able to join in with others socially where I didn’t feel so uncomfortable.
What could possibly be better right? Bzzzz Wrong answer lol.
I would come home after work and get online to battle it out with a lot of friends I had made on there, and eventually lost contact with my real life friends because of it.
The thought of having a girl friend crossed my mind many times, and it would have been nice, but I made up excuses like, there is a 50% divorce rate with a lot of broken homes etc etc. I’ve also been approached by a lot of girls asking me out when I was in college, but, the anxiety I had intensified and my mind drew a blank.
I also got into the Sims 2 game, and I think it may have triggered some sadness in me. Creating a lovely wife and then kids and seeing what I was missing was too much for me.
A loneness I had never felt or known before crept into me at that point.
I was tired of that way of life, and decided to move from this small town I was living in, and moved to a big city and a better job.
All my games got deleted off my computer, I started working out, went for long bike rides, and also contemplated where I had been what I had been doing to myself and why I had been doing that to myself. I spoke to a therapist (one session so far) about my childhood and she said it was a miracle I had made it to where I am today. Perhaps she was telling me what I wanted to hear.
I spent the last year questioning my thoughts in every action I would partake in, in order to dissect them and trace the problems back to the source. I would contemplate on my past and take those events into consideration with my current thoughts. I read books on positive thinking and through them, have had a lot of success in retraining my thoughts. I replaced negative thoughts with positive thoughts, and meshed bad childhood experiences with positive experiences that also occurred around the same time. This in effect, caused old memories to come to life I had completely forgotten about.
It also brought back my emotions that I had suppressed for such a long time. I was like Data from Star Trek for good part of my life. Somehow, creating those sim characters and feeling the joy in creating a family showed me what I was missing emotionally.
I got involved in some dating sites to see what is out there, and started chatting with some girls. It didn’t take long to find one wherein our emails were the same in thought. She had the same interests, beliefs, and that connection you feel that is just right, hard to explain.
She gave me her cell number and when I called her, my mind drew a blank, when I had so much to say to her and ask her. She wrote me an email saying it didn’t seem like I was that much into her as I had let on. It was pretty disappointing to say the least!
Then I questioned, why is this happening to me
Then I did a search for social anxiety and found a website that listed many of the traits, which almost matched me to a perfect T.
Well, that is what I mean by, I have finally found it.
I just hope I can get through this.