more than anxiety?

[anxiousmess]

ok, so lately i am having a hard time with my anxiety.
i think i know what triggered it - my son started nursery.
i became overly paranoid thinking they had hidden motives and were against me.
i look into their facial expressions constantly trying to prove my thoughts right
i am starting to let go of that a bit now and just accept it for what it is. if they don't like me, or have something against me - then so be it! it's hard but do-able. to an extent!

i was becoming overly suspicious of my boyfriends mother's friend - thinking she was talking about me behind my back and stuff. which made me feel awkward around her. to the point i no longer wanted to go.
i battled that, and i'm now in neutral kind of thought around her. it plays on my mind once i've left, but nothing i can't handle.
i keep thinking my sister hates me. i feel the neighbours are talking about me. i feel as though my parents can't stand me - they just have to put up with me as i am their daughter.
i also think my boyfriend is just with me so he can stay with his son. i'm also always waiting for the day he has had enough and takes me to court for custody. he keeps telling me that will never happen, but i just can't believe it! :(

since the nursery though, my suspicious mind is back! it did die down, until the trip to newcastle. now i am back at square one.
and although some days i think i am fine, i am obviously not.
i'm getting thoughts over this forum - feeling that you all just laugh at me and stuff. i'm getting frustrated with myself because i want to ignore it but find it extremely difficult.
i feel as though everything i say is stupid, pointless, out of context and not important in the slightest. i just feel like an outsider. not just on here - but everywhere. no matter what i do, i just can't fit in anywhere.
not that i really want to fit in, but i want to feel as though i am classed as pretty normal. only no matter how much reassurance i get, no matter how often i tell myself it doesn't matter. my mind still tells me otherwise and so i'm back to the outsider feeling again!

i can't win :( and i really think this is more than anxiety - which is what i would like your thoughts on!

[kellyzac]

Hi, trust me nobody is laughing!!! I PROMISE! have you thought about going to talk to a counceler this really helped me to get to the bottom of why you think this way perhaps a past experience! Also mine told me to start a diary at the end of every day take 10 minutes to write down that days events and thoughts writing them down can help you release them and then you can start to look back through the days and maybe relate them! Make sure your honest in what you write down though, dont write it as though you think somebody else will read it cuz then your not being true to yourself i made my husband swear he wouldn't touch it i know i wouldn't of written it 100% else!
Kellyx

[alankay]

Do you fear these things more than actually believe them? If so, likely just anxiety just from reading and believing your own negative thoughts. Are seeing a doc and on an SSRI or anything? Alankay

[jessed03]

Some of it sounds like a bit of a pure-O spike. Stressful events, or changes can often spike it a little bit. Including anxiety too.

But, it's a spike. It is passing through. It will peak, slow down and die out. If you let it. Let these thoughts be there. If there is a thought of suspicion, let it be there, don't try and get rid of it, as it doesn't really work.

Don't add anything to it. Resist the temptation to work it out. Thats how Pure-O and anxiety live. Without attention, they just cannot survive. They need tension and resistance as well as energy to stay alive.

If you find yourself tempted to go in deeper with the thoughts, don't do it. If you have a feeling of suspicion, let it be there, it is a physical sensation that will pass through. But it won't while you are trying to work on it. Your body will keep it around for you. If you have a feeling of suspicion, simply say "There is a feeling of suspicion within my body - I am watching it"

Once you're the watcher, you've distanced yourself from it. You've cut off the root. Thoughts need your involvement to continue. Keep resisting the temptation to get involved in them. Don't fight them, or judge them. Just leave them alone and ignore them. Let them come, play their role on the stage, and leave. They are like annoying salesman. "No thank you, not today" but a guest will never leave whilst you are entertaining them. Pure-O is the same. Whilst it has your attention, and your interest, it's made to feel important, and welcome. Cut it off.

The spike will go down in no time.

Keep well AM :)

[anxiousmess]

i think i fear it along with believing it, alan. i can pull myself away from believing it (when out of the situation), but it isn't long before my mind is right back to believing it!

jessed - i am really going to speak to my psychiatrist about this pure-o malarky! when i get there, that is! hopefully won't be too long.

i am trying my hardest to resist the temptation of working things out - but that is all i know. it is all i have ever done with everything!
i understand exactly what you are saying - i just need to learn how to act on it now!

is it normal for spikes to last over a period of days, even weeks at times?

kelly - i think that is a good idea on writing the thoughts and stuff down. i did try that a couple of weeks ago - only i noticed that i was doing it to help my mind keep track of events so i could work them out better. i did start off with the intention of kind of getting them out of my mind...just didn't work out that way lol.
but, if at first you don't succeed...

i am not on any meds or seeing any therapist at the minute - i am waiting for my psychiatrist referral to come through (should be in the next two weeks woo), and i'm also waiting to see which meds they think are suitable.
thanx for all your replies :)