I'm so tired of anxiety

[okami1995]

Before I start, I'll just say that I put the wrong emoticon in the title. Since about December, I've been going through an anxiety phase, which happens to me from time to time. Anyway, now I just feel stuck. At first, as was confident enough to tell my mum what was bothering me. She's a very understanding person, having suffered through anxiety herself. Now, however, I'm just stuck. I can't tell anyone what's bothering me, because I'm afraid of their judgment, even my mum, who is the person I trust the most with these things. I keep falsely accusing myself of things, and I know they're false constructs, but my mind seems to have convinced itself that these convictions are true and often nags at me. I keep going back to the past in my mind to search for things I did wrong or even harmless, trivial things and hating myself for them, and being anxious about them. I shout in my mind that I'm just being ridiculous, but peace of mind eludes me. To top it all off, I still haven't told my mum about another thing frequently bothering me. If you've read my first thread, you'll know what I'm talking about. All of these things go through my head in an endless cycle, and I feel stressed and anxious too much of the time. The only time I get to ignore these things is when I distract myself, but as soon as I'm done with that, it all just floods back in to haunt me once again. I'm just so tired of it, I sometimes think about how much easier it would be if I were dead. I'm not talking about suicidal thoughts, but just thinking that I wouldn't have to worry about any of this random BS if I were dead. I don't want to think about being dead. I like being alive, I love it, I get to experience the world around me, but this stupid anxiety is making it very difficult to enjoy life at the moment. I know eventually this anxiety will pass, but it could take a hell of a long time to leave by itself, and it would be so much easier and healthier if I could just get it all out and tell someone all of this, because it's driving me insane. It doesn't help that I'm stuck at home most the time. Since I failed at maths while at school, I have to redo it now. The only thing is, this means months of working at home, when all my friends live far away, and I can't even go outside in my own neighborhood without feeling scared of the people that live around here. Even after I finish my exam, I'll still have to wait several more months to get to college, assuming I pass. Worst of all, my old school has just said that I can no longer do my exam there, despite seeming pretty sure for months that I could, and now I have to find some other place before the exam takes place, so this really doesn't help with my stress. Goddamn it, I hate my life at the minute, it's just stress and boredom, and that's not what I can really call a life.

[jessed03]

You really do sound tired Okami.

Having been where you are, I understand how you feel. It's a rough, and exhausting place to be. Truly, emotionally and mentally exhausting. It wraps you up in knot's. Try not to be too harsh on things, if it's possible. I mean, you have a condition. It's not you, only something that's passing through you. I know that won't help cure anything though.

It sounds like things are getting slightly worse. Not majorly worse, but as the mind gets more and more tired, stranger things start to happen. Stranger thoughts, and emotions.

I can tell you already have an understanding of this. I can tell you're a really good guy too, so it sucks that this is happening. Keep one eye on the positive. Even when it seems so tiny. That small glimpse of it can give you that little bit more strength needed to get across the line.

I really don't have any word's of encouragement that can make a difference I'm afraid. Not at the moment anyway. It's like flu. You can dress it up how you want, perhaps you get a day of work, your immune system is becoming stronger etc etc, But when all said and done, it's still flu, and it's unpleasant. You'll ride it out though, given the right conditions. One of the best therapies is to just get all the emotion out there. OCD and anxiety can cause terrible frustration, and sadness. You can write here, or in a diary, maybe draw, or play music. Something to get that emotion outside of you.

Remember these are just thoughts and emotions. That even though they aren't pleasant, their whole purpose is to pass. One emotion never lasts forever. Only if you keep giving it fuel, but the goal is to obviously find a way to stop that. Even the feeling of being stuck, is just a thought or emotion. That even though unpleasant, that too will also pass with understanding and action.

When I was this way, I couldn't talk to anybody. My parent's never knew. Neither did friends. The only way they found out, was because I asked my doctor to tell them. Perhaps you could visit a doctor, and just print off this post, or maybe another one. They'll understand how you feel. They are trained to understand, and will get allow you to see a therapist, who will help you really make sense of this. It seems a really daunting prospect, I know. Especially when you have a few OCD issues, it can twist in the mind, until everything is so full of doubt and confusion. You'll start to make progress, and get your life back. If it's tough, maybe just punch the pillow a few teams, shout out, get yourself focused, and plough through it and make it happen.

Have you ever visited the forum www.stuckinadoorway.org ? It's a forum, like this, full of great people, with a condition very much like we both have faced. There's a lot of insight on there, with many people with similar problems. It's definetly worth a visit. (It's down at the moment, but should be back shortly)

There are also a few books you can get for really really cheaply, like a couple of pounds online, perhaps even at a library. I could post a few if you feel like reading.

Keep your head up buddy. We're always here when you want to talk. I know it's really hard, but no matter how dark the night is, the sun rises eventually :)