Nick83
02-13-2012, 04:30 PM
Long time lurker, figured I'd give posting a try. Was diagnosed with GAD about two years ago. Was giving Prozac, and Xanax to help out as well as a referral to a Therapist for Cog Behavioral Therapy. Never did the therapy... not because I didn't want to, but because my insurance denied it. Lovely, hey?
It would take pages to describe why I THINK I have anxiety, so, bare with me... I'm just going to use a bullet point of things that have happened, that still, to this day effect me.
- heart surgery at 15
- drugged and molested by a male cousin at 18
- grandfather died 3 year ago due to a bad head accident
- mother inlaw died of skin cancer 4 years ago
- laid off from my job of 10 years (I was 26 when I got laid off, worked there since I was 16)
- had a "almost" breakup with my now wife 3 years ago...
- when broken up, she started seeing a new guy right away... still gives me trouble thinking she moved on that fast....
- anxiety about being a parent
just a rough list, of things that run through my head every day. What I really think was the tipping point... was when my mother inlaw died. 45 years old!! She died of skin cancer. I've always been a tan guy, so now, when I saw a mole, I started to freak out. I was going in, getting mole after mole removed. When I couldn't afford them, I'd freeze and cut them off myself. I was losing my mind. Soon after that started I got laid off, ... after applying, I had two offers for jobs in my field... I took the one I thought would fit me the most... two months later, I got my hours reduced to nearly 24 a week... barely more then what unemployment was. The other job I had a chance of getting, filled.
After I got my hours cut, being a dad, and a fiance, I had to do what I had to do. Got a job working construction on my off days. Job paid well, but the boss's hated me. I would constantly get screamed at... and the hours were demanding. 5am start, 16 hour days... did that 4 days a week... and worked my other job 3 days.
Soon after I started that job, something happened to my stomach. I knew I had GERD, but anytime I ate anything, I couldn't breath. I'd get heart palpitations... feel faint. Went to the doctor many times, thinking it could be my heart (past heart surgery!)... the doctor did tests... EKG... 24 hour... blood work... said I had nothing to worry about... but asked me about my stress. Since my stomach and heart seem to be effected. I told him about everything in my life.... more then anyone before.
I told him basically
- I can't sleep at night
- I constantly fidget
- I keep on having thoughts of death
- Every day, I imagine I will die
- Being a dad, I keep on thinking about what will happen to my son if I die
- I think that if I died, my wife would marry the first guy she could, and my son would be raised badly
I failed to tell him, due to feeling ashamed
- I constantly look up symptoms online, when I feel bad
- over the past year, I KNOW i have had (which obviously I haven't)
- Brain Cancer
- Colon Cancer
- many types of Arhythmias
- heart attack
- bowl obstruction
- ruptured stomach
- brain aneurysm
- been moments away from cardiac arrest
- skin cancer (mother inlaw died of that)
In all seriousness, if I can go twenty minutes without taking my pulse, that would be an improvement. I can't recall the number of nights, where I have laid in bed thinking "I will not wake up".
Life is in shambles... I even went on vacay last month, thinking that's what I needed. Whole time, when I was in Mexico... all I thought was "if something happens down here, I AM SCREWED!!!"... couldn't even enjoy myself.
Every day, it's something new, but old. It's almost like my physical symptoms alternate. One day, it's my heart. Having PVCs, and thinking I'm going to die. The next, I get stomach issues. Bad stomach pains, or constipation, or diarrhea... then, I'll get headaches. It never stops. No matter how many times I tell myself, I'm fine, I've been through this before, I also tell myself... NO, this is DIFFERENT. It's time to say your goodbyes, because that stomach gas you are feeling, it's an intestinal blockage and soon you will go into septic shock...
I know this post is scatter brained, but, that is exactly how I am... as I said above, I was on Prozac, and it seemed to be working... but I thought I was strong enough to do it without it... but I can't. I could go back to the doctor, and get it again... but I can't... feel too ashamed.
I tried natural remedies, but they didn't work. I restarted my workout plan (I use to be a bodybuilder before I got married) but now, anytime I get my pulse up... I swear something is "wrong" and then I start to flip out... causing palpitations and reinforcing my fear.
The worst part of everything, is, I have no friends. My panic attacks scared off many friends, and even my family... my mom, my dad... they basically have told me, through actions (ignoring my calls) that they don't want to help me with this (mad I'm off my meds, and won't help until I'm back on them). My wife works when I'm home, and I work when she is home... so, we only see each other when waking up, and going to bed (sex, HA! she hasn't come on to me since my panic/anxiety started... can't blame her, not attractive to see a big guy pacing back and forth, crying for you to call 911 because he knows he is dieing).....
As much as I want to get back on Prozac, I'm scared. Read to many "bad things" about the drug... and even though I trust my doctor more then "internet experts"... I still am scared. Also, the last time I got perscribed, he told me he was only going to give me three months.. in an effort to get me to a therapist who could perscribe it for me instead... and since my insurance is great (NOT), what's the point of getting another month or two... and then having to come off it again...
again, sorry for the scatter brained post... but maybe the structure of the post gives you a look into how my mind is right now.
It would take pages to describe why I THINK I have anxiety, so, bare with me... I'm just going to use a bullet point of things that have happened, that still, to this day effect me.
- heart surgery at 15
- drugged and molested by a male cousin at 18
- grandfather died 3 year ago due to a bad head accident
- mother inlaw died of skin cancer 4 years ago
- laid off from my job of 10 years (I was 26 when I got laid off, worked there since I was 16)
- had a "almost" breakup with my now wife 3 years ago...
- when broken up, she started seeing a new guy right away... still gives me trouble thinking she moved on that fast....
- anxiety about being a parent
just a rough list, of things that run through my head every day. What I really think was the tipping point... was when my mother inlaw died. 45 years old!! She died of skin cancer. I've always been a tan guy, so now, when I saw a mole, I started to freak out. I was going in, getting mole after mole removed. When I couldn't afford them, I'd freeze and cut them off myself. I was losing my mind. Soon after that started I got laid off, ... after applying, I had two offers for jobs in my field... I took the one I thought would fit me the most... two months later, I got my hours reduced to nearly 24 a week... barely more then what unemployment was. The other job I had a chance of getting, filled.
After I got my hours cut, being a dad, and a fiance, I had to do what I had to do. Got a job working construction on my off days. Job paid well, but the boss's hated me. I would constantly get screamed at... and the hours were demanding. 5am start, 16 hour days... did that 4 days a week... and worked my other job 3 days.
Soon after I started that job, something happened to my stomach. I knew I had GERD, but anytime I ate anything, I couldn't breath. I'd get heart palpitations... feel faint. Went to the doctor many times, thinking it could be my heart (past heart surgery!)... the doctor did tests... EKG... 24 hour... blood work... said I had nothing to worry about... but asked me about my stress. Since my stomach and heart seem to be effected. I told him about everything in my life.... more then anyone before.
I told him basically
- I can't sleep at night
- I constantly fidget
- I keep on having thoughts of death
- Every day, I imagine I will die
- Being a dad, I keep on thinking about what will happen to my son if I die
- I think that if I died, my wife would marry the first guy she could, and my son would be raised badly
I failed to tell him, due to feeling ashamed
- I constantly look up symptoms online, when I feel bad
- over the past year, I KNOW i have had (which obviously I haven't)
- Brain Cancer
- Colon Cancer
- many types of Arhythmias
- heart attack
- bowl obstruction
- ruptured stomach
- brain aneurysm
- been moments away from cardiac arrest
- skin cancer (mother inlaw died of that)
In all seriousness, if I can go twenty minutes without taking my pulse, that would be an improvement. I can't recall the number of nights, where I have laid in bed thinking "I will not wake up".
Life is in shambles... I even went on vacay last month, thinking that's what I needed. Whole time, when I was in Mexico... all I thought was "if something happens down here, I AM SCREWED!!!"... couldn't even enjoy myself.
Every day, it's something new, but old. It's almost like my physical symptoms alternate. One day, it's my heart. Having PVCs, and thinking I'm going to die. The next, I get stomach issues. Bad stomach pains, or constipation, or diarrhea... then, I'll get headaches. It never stops. No matter how many times I tell myself, I'm fine, I've been through this before, I also tell myself... NO, this is DIFFERENT. It's time to say your goodbyes, because that stomach gas you are feeling, it's an intestinal blockage and soon you will go into septic shock...
I know this post is scatter brained, but, that is exactly how I am... as I said above, I was on Prozac, and it seemed to be working... but I thought I was strong enough to do it without it... but I can't. I could go back to the doctor, and get it again... but I can't... feel too ashamed.
I tried natural remedies, but they didn't work. I restarted my workout plan (I use to be a bodybuilder before I got married) but now, anytime I get my pulse up... I swear something is "wrong" and then I start to flip out... causing palpitations and reinforcing my fear.
The worst part of everything, is, I have no friends. My panic attacks scared off many friends, and even my family... my mom, my dad... they basically have told me, through actions (ignoring my calls) that they don't want to help me with this (mad I'm off my meds, and won't help until I'm back on them). My wife works when I'm home, and I work when she is home... so, we only see each other when waking up, and going to bed (sex, HA! she hasn't come on to me since my panic/anxiety started... can't blame her, not attractive to see a big guy pacing back and forth, crying for you to call 911 because he knows he is dieing).....
As much as I want to get back on Prozac, I'm scared. Read to many "bad things" about the drug... and even though I trust my doctor more then "internet experts"... I still am scared. Also, the last time I got perscribed, he told me he was only going to give me three months.. in an effort to get me to a therapist who could perscribe it for me instead... and since my insurance is great (NOT), what's the point of getting another month or two... and then having to come off it again...
again, sorry for the scatter brained post... but maybe the structure of the post gives you a look into how my mind is right now.