Anxiety Symptoms... and such...

[Nick83]

Long time lurker, figured I'd give posting a try. Was diagnosed with GAD about two years ago. Was giving Prozac, and Xanax to help out as well as a referral to a Therapist for Cog Behavioral Therapy. Never did the therapy... not because I didn't want to, but because my insurance denied it. Lovely, hey?

It would take pages to describe why I THINK I have anxiety, so, bare with me... I'm just going to use a bullet point of things that have happened, that still, to this day effect me.

- heart surgery at 15
- drugged and molested by a male cousin at 18
- grandfather died 3 year ago due to a bad head accident
- mother inlaw died of skin cancer 4 years ago
- laid off from my job of 10 years (I was 26 when I got laid off, worked there since I was 16)
- had a "almost" breakup with my now wife 3 years ago...
- when broken up, she started seeing a new guy right away... still gives me trouble thinking she moved on that fast....
- anxiety about being a parent


just a rough list, of things that run through my head every day. What I really think was the tipping point... was when my mother inlaw died. 45 years old!! She died of skin cancer. I've always been a tan guy, so now, when I saw a mole, I started to freak out. I was going in, getting mole after mole removed. When I couldn't afford them, I'd freeze and cut them off myself. I was losing my mind. Soon after that started I got laid off, ... after applying, I had two offers for jobs in my field... I took the one I thought would fit me the most... two months later, I got my hours reduced to nearly 24 a week... barely more then what unemployment was. The other job I had a chance of getting, filled.

After I got my hours cut, being a dad, and a fiance, I had to do what I had to do. Got a job working construction on my off days. Job paid well, but the boss's hated me. I would constantly get screamed at... and the hours were demanding. 5am start, 16 hour days... did that 4 days a week... and worked my other job 3 days.

Soon after I started that job, something happened to my stomach. I knew I had GERD, but anytime I ate anything, I couldn't breath. I'd get heart palpitations... feel faint. Went to the doctor many times, thinking it could be my heart (past heart surgery!)... the doctor did tests... EKG... 24 hour... blood work... said I had nothing to worry about... but asked me about my stress. Since my stomach and heart seem to be effected. I told him about everything in my life.... more then anyone before.

I told him basically
- I can't sleep at night
- I constantly fidget
- I keep on having thoughts of death
- Every day, I imagine I will die
- Being a dad, I keep on thinking about what will happen to my son if I die
- I think that if I died, my wife would marry the first guy she could, and my son would be raised badly

I failed to tell him, due to feeling ashamed
- I constantly look up symptoms online, when I feel bad
- over the past year, I KNOW i have had (which obviously I haven't)
- Brain Cancer
- Colon Cancer
- many types of Arhythmias
- heart attack
- bowl obstruction
- ruptured stomach
- brain aneurysm
- been moments away from cardiac arrest
- skin cancer (mother inlaw died of that)

In all seriousness, if I can go twenty minutes without taking my pulse, that would be an improvement. I can't recall the number of nights, where I have laid in bed thinking "I will not wake up".

Life is in shambles... I even went on vacay last month, thinking that's what I needed. Whole time, when I was in Mexico... all I thought was "if something happens down here, I AM SCREWED!!!"... couldn't even enjoy myself.

Every day, it's something new, but old. It's almost like my physical symptoms alternate. One day, it's my heart. Having PVCs, and thinking I'm going to die. The next, I get stomach issues. Bad stomach pains, or constipation, or diarrhea... then, I'll get headaches. It never stops. No matter how many times I tell myself, I'm fine, I've been through this before, I also tell myself... NO, this is DIFFERENT. It's time to say your goodbyes, because that stomach gas you are feeling, it's an intestinal blockage and soon you will go into septic shock...

I know this post is scatter brained, but, that is exactly how I am... as I said above, I was on Prozac, and it seemed to be working... but I thought I was strong enough to do it without it... but I can't. I could go back to the doctor, and get it again... but I can't... feel too ashamed.

I tried natural remedies, but they didn't work. I restarted my workout plan (I use to be a bodybuilder before I got married) but now, anytime I get my pulse up... I swear something is "wrong" and then I start to flip out... causing palpitations and reinforcing my fear.

The worst part of everything, is, I have no friends. My panic attacks scared off many friends, and even my family... my mom, my dad... they basically have told me, through actions (ignoring my calls) that they don't want to help me with this (mad I'm off my meds, and won't help until I'm back on them). My wife works when I'm home, and I work when she is home... so, we only see each other when waking up, and going to bed (sex, HA! she hasn't come on to me since my panic/anxiety started... can't blame her, not attractive to see a big guy pacing back and forth, crying for you to call 911 because he knows he is dieing).....

As much as I want to get back on Prozac, I'm scared. Read to many "bad things" about the drug... and even though I trust my doctor more then "internet experts"... I still am scared. Also, the last time I got perscribed, he told me he was only going to give me three months.. in an effort to get me to a therapist who could perscribe it for me instead... and since my insurance is great (NOT), what's the point of getting another month or two... and then having to come off it again...

again, sorry for the scatter brained post... but maybe the structure of the post gives you a look into how my mind is right now.

[jessed03]

Bloody google again hey :( .



That Google again. I don't know who He is, and how He manages to upset so many people, but He deserves a darn good seeing to!!

Nick, I know it sounds rich now, but you don't have to sweat it. I'm serious. There have been so many moment's in my life, where I was utterly convinced I was dropping dead. I mean so convinced, that I would have said the Lord's Prayer or something, but I literally didn't believe I would live long enough to finish it! I know this won't convince you, or change anything, but what's happening, isn't that unnatural, and certainly isn't 'the end'.

But, to your issue; It's my philosophy now in life, if it isn't harming you, do what's working. If the Prozac allowed you to function, then it's not a bad place to be, for now at least. The tough part of anxiety and panic attacks, is to gain some stability in order that you can keep building on it. If you're out of touch with parent's, wife and friends, then it really sounds like you need something that will give you a degree of normalized functioning.

Forget figuring out what caused anxiety. Truth is, it just doesn't matter, unless it's still happening. I.e. An abusive relationship, or avoidance of certain places because of an event. I always see figuring out why it happened, as a group of people holding onto a balloon. Maybe one let go, and it slipped out... It doesn't matter, it's merely something to do. The only useful thing is to forget it, and go chase the balloon. In other words, maybe some event caused it, or maybe somebody or something made it worse. At this stage, it doesn't matter really.

You know what, Screw the drug stories, I mean it. Prozac was a nightmare for me, I mean it was so bad I would have been better taking spoonfuls of Petrol . But ya know what, it wasn't THAT bad. It happen's, it sucks, it's like a stubbed toe, it feels bad, a few months later you forget it ever happened. I was on it for a few month's, made me feel bad, I stopped. A month later I forgot it pretty much. I have no flash backs, no haunting stories, no ghastly repressed memories. You don't grow an extra head, or begin turning inside out. You're far more afraid of the shadow, than you are of the object.

But, if like you said, you can't take it, then that's life. Is there no way to pay for it? But I know not many people just shell out money every month. I think you should take up some therapy. What you need in life right now is to get anxiety under control.

P.S. Quit Googling :)

[shanrocks8]

Did something happen to you when you were a small child that triggers a post traumatic stress syndrome? Or have you ever been diagnosed with Bi-Polar? It is hard to know why your behavior is like this, many things trigger us in many different ways. You are not alone in what you are going through, most people don't want to admit it. I've had similar episodes throughout my life too. Who knows why they happen but they do. You get through them and move on and become stronger. I am almost 59 so I am a little more experienced than you. Keep strong and take charge of your life.