Dariel
02-13-2012, 02:00 AM
I'm 18 years old. I've had very deep depression for many years and I don't really know what to do anymore.
My anxiety makes me desperate and suicidal. Everywhere I go I can't stop thinking that someone might be laughing at me all the time, I can't stand people watching me. I'm seriously afraid that I might seriously hurt someone. When I go to sleep it takes many hours untill I fall asleep. I cant stop thinking of sick things... I see myself doing horrible things to other people and sometimes I'm really afraid that I'm gonna lose it.
I haven't told anyone about it, even my parents don't know anything about my real problems. I don't live in home so how even could they... I'm afraid that I might cause pain and disappointment to my relatives If I tell them. I'm getting really tired of fake smiling to everyone and tell them that everything is okay. I don't have any real friends. I do have "schoolmates" that only look for benefit from me and they think I'm retarded(which I might be....) because I'm simply too kind to them and I don't know why I never fight back at all and that really makes me want to get out from this world.
I forget things I do really fast. I might go check the door I don't remember closing many times. I might go check if I flushed the toilet many times because I simply don't remember. Everywhere I go I imagine what could happen, like butterfly effect but that makes me lose the real moment so that might make me boring to others... I haven't got a little piece of self-confidence and that's why It took so long to even come ask help from internet.
Because I haven't really slept well for so long time it really makes me depressed, I don't want to do anything, my school is not going well and I would most likely to just be alone because feels like everything I do outside is a disaster and makes other people laugh at me. I don't know why I overreact so dramatically when someone says something bad about me, it's just common joking that no one should take serious.
My parents would have time for me if I just simply were able to say something but I don't want them to get anymore stress about anything especially now when two very close people have died in short time period, other one committed a suicide and the other was my fathers mother that died very old naturally but still its very sad for them and also me.
I find myself looking for ways to kill people without getting caught too often. People that makes me feel that I don't deserve to live, people that don't understand what is happening in my head. But its not their fault its all mine for not telling about the real me who cannot sleep at nights and who thinks about crazy things.
EDIT: I would never hurt anyone.
So Is there any kind of medicine for this condition or do I need to simply take myself away. I cant live with these thoughts anymore.
My anxiety makes me desperate and suicidal. Everywhere I go I can't stop thinking that someone might be laughing at me all the time, I can't stand people watching me. I'm seriously afraid that I might seriously hurt someone. When I go to sleep it takes many hours untill I fall asleep. I cant stop thinking of sick things... I see myself doing horrible things to other people and sometimes I'm really afraid that I'm gonna lose it.
I haven't told anyone about it, even my parents don't know anything about my real problems. I don't live in home so how even could they... I'm afraid that I might cause pain and disappointment to my relatives If I tell them. I'm getting really tired of fake smiling to everyone and tell them that everything is okay. I don't have any real friends. I do have "schoolmates" that only look for benefit from me and they think I'm retarded(which I might be....) because I'm simply too kind to them and I don't know why I never fight back at all and that really makes me want to get out from this world.
I forget things I do really fast. I might go check the door I don't remember closing many times. I might go check if I flushed the toilet many times because I simply don't remember. Everywhere I go I imagine what could happen, like butterfly effect but that makes me lose the real moment so that might make me boring to others... I haven't got a little piece of self-confidence and that's why It took so long to even come ask help from internet.
Because I haven't really slept well for so long time it really makes me depressed, I don't want to do anything, my school is not going well and I would most likely to just be alone because feels like everything I do outside is a disaster and makes other people laugh at me. I don't know why I overreact so dramatically when someone says something bad about me, it's just common joking that no one should take serious.
My parents would have time for me if I just simply were able to say something but I don't want them to get anymore stress about anything especially now when two very close people have died in short time period, other one committed a suicide and the other was my fathers mother that died very old naturally but still its very sad for them and also me.
I find myself looking for ways to kill people without getting caught too often. People that makes me feel that I don't deserve to live, people that don't understand what is happening in my head. But its not their fault its all mine for not telling about the real me who cannot sleep at nights and who thinks about crazy things.
EDIT: I would never hurt anyone.
So Is there any kind of medicine for this condition or do I need to simply take myself away. I cant live with these thoughts anymore.