ajnw48
02-08-2012, 10:41 PM
New to the board obviously. Thought I'd post in hopes I could find some comfort and maybe comfort someone else.
I recently was diagnosed with PTSD from a highly abusive relationship. I'll go into the horrific symptoms of this 'disorder' in a moment. That being said, the symptoms I have are for an anxiety disorder really, PTSD related or otherwise.
Basically what happened long story short.. I had a baby with a very emotionally abusive man. I left him. Years later after essentially hiding myself and my child, he came about, and I HAD to deal with him for 3 months straight. He'd call and immediately I'd I'd begin shaking to the point where my teeth would chatter, my heart would pound, my mind would go blank, and any sense of strength I had would fly out the window.
Finally after things calmed down, the day things officially became okay, I remember so many people celebrating around me, yet I still felt unease. I shook the feeling off, yet a few weeks later I found myself experiencing rolling panic attacks. I'd be working at my desk and suddenly my hands would begin to sweat, my heart would pound, I'd worry excessively about my daughter, and would need to step outside for a breathe of fresh air to try and calm down at work. I was having a panic attack one day and my co-worker at that moment decided to tell me about her friend with multiple personality disorder who works with children. Due to the panic attack, and thinking about my own kids, I became terrified I'd harm them. I had violent images in my head that would make me gag, revolt me really, about harm coming to them, or worse, me doing it. Being around them become horrifying. The obsessions were constant. I had an obsession with 'what if I hurt them' and 'what if I become possessed and harm them'. Irritational? Highly. But when you're going through it, it's exhausting because of how real it seems. I couldn't do much beyond FORCE myself to go to work, FORCE myself to interact with people, and looked forward to sleep as it was the only time that brought me comfort. Then the night terrors began, dashing even my comfort from sleep. They were awful. they've subsided now, but at the time I became even terrified to sleep knowing what was waiting.
One night as I was bathing my children, watching them closely for any sign of harm of course, my husband came in and told me to take a break. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and thought "What if I'm dreaming?" BAM. There it was. Dissociation as my therapist calls it, hell as I call it. After that initial thought, the panic hit me like a brick wall. Now just because you ask yourself if something is real, does not mean you have this stuff. I have it all day, everyday. I see everything as I should, yet life in mental perception seems dull and meaningless. People seem unimportant to me; almost puppet like. Me? I know I'm real. I just argue with myself constantly if anything else is. It rips me apart.
I finally crumpled and went to a doctor and therapist. My therapist, after I listed off what I'd gone through/my symptoms, said she was shocked I could even function at this point. I have no other choice. she said I have PTSD quite horribly and that I'll need to see her more and start meds. I started the meds and will be seeing her more. I'll let you all know how it goes.
Mostly, I miss life how it was BEFORE viewing everything with a question mark. Before I went through each day like a robot, panic stricken, waiting until I can sleep.
anyways, if anyone else feels this way, respond to me and we can chat. I know how brutal PTSD/anxiety is and how it robs a person of all meaning. Hopefully soon I will have answers. I've found going about my daily business as if nothing is wrong helps. Sure, I don't want to go to work or socialize with people, but once I do it, I can, for a MOMENT forgot about my anxiety. Those moments are everything.
Mos
I recently was diagnosed with PTSD from a highly abusive relationship. I'll go into the horrific symptoms of this 'disorder' in a moment. That being said, the symptoms I have are for an anxiety disorder really, PTSD related or otherwise.
Basically what happened long story short.. I had a baby with a very emotionally abusive man. I left him. Years later after essentially hiding myself and my child, he came about, and I HAD to deal with him for 3 months straight. He'd call and immediately I'd I'd begin shaking to the point where my teeth would chatter, my heart would pound, my mind would go blank, and any sense of strength I had would fly out the window.
Finally after things calmed down, the day things officially became okay, I remember so many people celebrating around me, yet I still felt unease. I shook the feeling off, yet a few weeks later I found myself experiencing rolling panic attacks. I'd be working at my desk and suddenly my hands would begin to sweat, my heart would pound, I'd worry excessively about my daughter, and would need to step outside for a breathe of fresh air to try and calm down at work. I was having a panic attack one day and my co-worker at that moment decided to tell me about her friend with multiple personality disorder who works with children. Due to the panic attack, and thinking about my own kids, I became terrified I'd harm them. I had violent images in my head that would make me gag, revolt me really, about harm coming to them, or worse, me doing it. Being around them become horrifying. The obsessions were constant. I had an obsession with 'what if I hurt them' and 'what if I become possessed and harm them'. Irritational? Highly. But when you're going through it, it's exhausting because of how real it seems. I couldn't do much beyond FORCE myself to go to work, FORCE myself to interact with people, and looked forward to sleep as it was the only time that brought me comfort. Then the night terrors began, dashing even my comfort from sleep. They were awful. they've subsided now, but at the time I became even terrified to sleep knowing what was waiting.
One night as I was bathing my children, watching them closely for any sign of harm of course, my husband came in and told me to take a break. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and thought "What if I'm dreaming?" BAM. There it was. Dissociation as my therapist calls it, hell as I call it. After that initial thought, the panic hit me like a brick wall. Now just because you ask yourself if something is real, does not mean you have this stuff. I have it all day, everyday. I see everything as I should, yet life in mental perception seems dull and meaningless. People seem unimportant to me; almost puppet like. Me? I know I'm real. I just argue with myself constantly if anything else is. It rips me apart.
I finally crumpled and went to a doctor and therapist. My therapist, after I listed off what I'd gone through/my symptoms, said she was shocked I could even function at this point. I have no other choice. she said I have PTSD quite horribly and that I'll need to see her more and start meds. I started the meds and will be seeing her more. I'll let you all know how it goes.
Mostly, I miss life how it was BEFORE viewing everything with a question mark. Before I went through each day like a robot, panic stricken, waiting until I can sleep.
anyways, if anyone else feels this way, respond to me and we can chat. I know how brutal PTSD/anxiety is and how it robs a person of all meaning. Hopefully soon I will have answers. I've found going about my daily business as if nothing is wrong helps. Sure, I don't want to go to work or socialize with people, but once I do it, I can, for a MOMENT forgot about my anxiety. Those moments are everything.
Mos