shaggyhinton
02-04-2012, 07:07 AM
My real names jordan but everyone i know calls me shaggy. im 18.
im a musician, used to be successful when it came to shows.
i used to be the most laid back person ever.. even though i had a bit of social anxiety as a kid.(i was the eccentric, or weird kid)
i started playing piano when i was 8. my dad was a successful musician before i was born.
when i turned 12 i started playing guitar. my dad had bouts of cancer since i was 7.
when i turned 15 he died. the day after he died i began drug and alcohol abuse.
i spent almost a whole year every day drunk and high. the school year started again and i scored.
the next morning i had drank 2 bottles of nyquil and smoked. i had what i thought was a heart attack.
after a terrible nude scene in my bathroom my mom(who had agoraphobia and panic attacks since she was young) came to my rescue and calmed me down.
the feelings were so crazy. couldnt breathe,swallow,pain in my chest,hot/cold sweats,felt like someone hit me over the head,shaking,nausea.
i started going to the local university to have tests done on me. psych tests,iq tests,asperger tests,etc.
i got diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder. i also got prescribed klonopin 1mg for when i had an attack.
from then on everything was peachy. i got over the anxiety fairly quickly in my opinion. 2 months tops.
i then met my best friend alex, at a party for 4:20. and yes i continued my drug abuse.
i had a panic attack here and there from time to time. they seemed to sneak up on me, but nothing serious.
until i got back together with my ex from fresman year. she was in a rough place and not happy with where she lived.
one day she was coming to stay with my family and i. alex was included on the trip to go pick her up.
as alex and i started on the 30 mile drive there and 30 back. i started feeling a little wound up.
halfway there i felt like i couldnt get a full breath.
when i was literally 2 miles from where she was staying i broke down and pulled into a rite aid.
feeling like i was having a heart attack yet again. i popped half a klonopin and it didnt help like it normally does.
tried calling my mom, no answer because she was resting. tried calling my oldest brother who has panic attacks,and he just said to calm down and hung up.
so here i am laying down in the parking lot thinking im dying while my 15 year old best friend doesnt know what to do besides call my girlfriend.
she comes... they both now dont know what to do.. i finally shout call the ambulance..
what seemed like an hour later they arrived and took me off to the hospital.. which no joke is a half mile down the road.
they ran a few tests, ekg,xray,psych test.
i came out fine on all besides my psych test which just said the same thing it always has.. gad and panic.
my mom came and got me and we all went home just happy that something really wasnt wrong.
i then spent the best 2 weeks ever with my girl by my side until one day she said she was going to new york to see an old friend.
now im not panicking at this time just to let you know.
but i ask who it is.. its the guy she broke up with me for freshman year...
she leaves... my brother is fresh out of a mental hospital,his girlfriend is here, my mom and her boyfriend..
now each one leaves on a friday.. my brother and his girlfriend go out,same with my mom and her boyfriend..
alex goes to a football game with his girl... and there i am alone...
i broke down... yet again... full blown panic!
i call alex because he was the last number i dialed,he calls my brother,who calls my mom..
next thing i know im getting put in a car to go to the mental hospital my brother just got out of.
now everythings cool... i wasnt 18 yet.. had no say so whether i got put in or not.
i roughed it out the first 3 days until they put me on zoloft. i was fine taking it, and had no worries about side effects.
i remember it perfectly i went to sit down after my third dose of it. instantly full blown panic and tracers to go along with it(those are new!)
the nurses didnt care,the psychologist wouldnt talk to me about it, one of the nurses even threatened to call the cops!
now i dont know about you but if im having anxiety and im already trapped and out of my comfort zone the cops is the last thing i need.
they put me in solitary which is the 4ft by 6 ft cement cell, give me a relaxation tape and a tape player from the 1970's.
i honestly felt better in there,not being prodded and doped up. i planned on just waiting... waiting in my cell.
now instead of being a patient... i was a prisoner.
they eventually caught on to the fact that i was calm in the cell... so they didnt let me stay there.
they keep trying to persuade me to take zoloft, i keep refusing and telling them how sick it made me, they act like that didnt happen.
eventually i get sick to where i cant eat. then i get hungry and they refuse to give me food,even though its snack time. my friend jackie slips me a box of fruitloops.
i run to my room and sit on the toilet. with an old styrofoam cup filled with sink water, and the fruitloops. i eat it all slowly so i can save it.
so my mom comes for visitation the next day and i tell her about whats been going on. my mom had no clue because they wouldnt tell her what i said or done when she called.
she pulled me out AMA(Against medical Advice) i felt so much better the ride home.
i was calm that whole first day. the next day was pretty rough. i felt the same as i did at the mental hospital.
now over the next weeks i started feeling slowly better. then i went down again. started feeling better. down again.
until ive hit a point where i feel now that i am not getting any better.. im fine in my home.. calm..
im calm in my yard. but sometimes i feel like everythings moving so fast. and that i didnt control what i did. i can barely remember what i did in these moments.
most of the time its sitting down or walking from one side of the house to the other that i feel like its not me and i cant remember.
ive been able to go to the store for myself lately yet again. i can drive a little. but that feeling gets to me especially when i go to the store.
now i have this new feeling of i can get a full breath.. it makes my ribs hurt.. so i googled that and found out about hiatal hernias.
mimics heart attacks,breathing problems(i also have asthma).
but im confused about it..
i have had thyroid issues before which also runs in the family. my doctor is 2 miles down the road. everytime i try to go and get my blood drawn for the thyroid test.
i have a panic attack in the docs office due to the feeling of cant breathe/cant get a full breath/dizziness/cottonmouth
so i feel like im stuck.. like the answer is thyroid which is the first thing all of my old psychs told me i should get checked first, but i cant get it fixed.
that endless loop of:
ok im having anxiety - its mainly my thyroid - cant get it fixed because im having anxiety.
and thats my story, and that last line is a current problem.
hi im shaggy.. my real names jordan... im 18... a musician... and i cant live my life because of anxiety and panic.
im a musician, used to be successful when it came to shows.
i used to be the most laid back person ever.. even though i had a bit of social anxiety as a kid.(i was the eccentric, or weird kid)
i started playing piano when i was 8. my dad was a successful musician before i was born.
when i turned 12 i started playing guitar. my dad had bouts of cancer since i was 7.
when i turned 15 he died. the day after he died i began drug and alcohol abuse.
i spent almost a whole year every day drunk and high. the school year started again and i scored.
the next morning i had drank 2 bottles of nyquil and smoked. i had what i thought was a heart attack.
after a terrible nude scene in my bathroom my mom(who had agoraphobia and panic attacks since she was young) came to my rescue and calmed me down.
the feelings were so crazy. couldnt breathe,swallow,pain in my chest,hot/cold sweats,felt like someone hit me over the head,shaking,nausea.
i started going to the local university to have tests done on me. psych tests,iq tests,asperger tests,etc.
i got diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder. i also got prescribed klonopin 1mg for when i had an attack.
from then on everything was peachy. i got over the anxiety fairly quickly in my opinion. 2 months tops.
i then met my best friend alex, at a party for 4:20. and yes i continued my drug abuse.
i had a panic attack here and there from time to time. they seemed to sneak up on me, but nothing serious.
until i got back together with my ex from fresman year. she was in a rough place and not happy with where she lived.
one day she was coming to stay with my family and i. alex was included on the trip to go pick her up.
as alex and i started on the 30 mile drive there and 30 back. i started feeling a little wound up.
halfway there i felt like i couldnt get a full breath.
when i was literally 2 miles from where she was staying i broke down and pulled into a rite aid.
feeling like i was having a heart attack yet again. i popped half a klonopin and it didnt help like it normally does.
tried calling my mom, no answer because she was resting. tried calling my oldest brother who has panic attacks,and he just said to calm down and hung up.
so here i am laying down in the parking lot thinking im dying while my 15 year old best friend doesnt know what to do besides call my girlfriend.
she comes... they both now dont know what to do.. i finally shout call the ambulance..
what seemed like an hour later they arrived and took me off to the hospital.. which no joke is a half mile down the road.
they ran a few tests, ekg,xray,psych test.
i came out fine on all besides my psych test which just said the same thing it always has.. gad and panic.
my mom came and got me and we all went home just happy that something really wasnt wrong.
i then spent the best 2 weeks ever with my girl by my side until one day she said she was going to new york to see an old friend.
now im not panicking at this time just to let you know.
but i ask who it is.. its the guy she broke up with me for freshman year...
she leaves... my brother is fresh out of a mental hospital,his girlfriend is here, my mom and her boyfriend..
now each one leaves on a friday.. my brother and his girlfriend go out,same with my mom and her boyfriend..
alex goes to a football game with his girl... and there i am alone...
i broke down... yet again... full blown panic!
i call alex because he was the last number i dialed,he calls my brother,who calls my mom..
next thing i know im getting put in a car to go to the mental hospital my brother just got out of.
now everythings cool... i wasnt 18 yet.. had no say so whether i got put in or not.
i roughed it out the first 3 days until they put me on zoloft. i was fine taking it, and had no worries about side effects.
i remember it perfectly i went to sit down after my third dose of it. instantly full blown panic and tracers to go along with it(those are new!)
the nurses didnt care,the psychologist wouldnt talk to me about it, one of the nurses even threatened to call the cops!
now i dont know about you but if im having anxiety and im already trapped and out of my comfort zone the cops is the last thing i need.
they put me in solitary which is the 4ft by 6 ft cement cell, give me a relaxation tape and a tape player from the 1970's.
i honestly felt better in there,not being prodded and doped up. i planned on just waiting... waiting in my cell.
now instead of being a patient... i was a prisoner.
they eventually caught on to the fact that i was calm in the cell... so they didnt let me stay there.
they keep trying to persuade me to take zoloft, i keep refusing and telling them how sick it made me, they act like that didnt happen.
eventually i get sick to where i cant eat. then i get hungry and they refuse to give me food,even though its snack time. my friend jackie slips me a box of fruitloops.
i run to my room and sit on the toilet. with an old styrofoam cup filled with sink water, and the fruitloops. i eat it all slowly so i can save it.
so my mom comes for visitation the next day and i tell her about whats been going on. my mom had no clue because they wouldnt tell her what i said or done when she called.
she pulled me out AMA(Against medical Advice) i felt so much better the ride home.
i was calm that whole first day. the next day was pretty rough. i felt the same as i did at the mental hospital.
now over the next weeks i started feeling slowly better. then i went down again. started feeling better. down again.
until ive hit a point where i feel now that i am not getting any better.. im fine in my home.. calm..
im calm in my yard. but sometimes i feel like everythings moving so fast. and that i didnt control what i did. i can barely remember what i did in these moments.
most of the time its sitting down or walking from one side of the house to the other that i feel like its not me and i cant remember.
ive been able to go to the store for myself lately yet again. i can drive a little. but that feeling gets to me especially when i go to the store.
now i have this new feeling of i can get a full breath.. it makes my ribs hurt.. so i googled that and found out about hiatal hernias.
mimics heart attacks,breathing problems(i also have asthma).
but im confused about it..
i have had thyroid issues before which also runs in the family. my doctor is 2 miles down the road. everytime i try to go and get my blood drawn for the thyroid test.
i have a panic attack in the docs office due to the feeling of cant breathe/cant get a full breath/dizziness/cottonmouth
so i feel like im stuck.. like the answer is thyroid which is the first thing all of my old psychs told me i should get checked first, but i cant get it fixed.
that endless loop of:
ok im having anxiety - its mainly my thyroid - cant get it fixed because im having anxiety.
and thats my story, and that last line is a current problem.
hi im shaggy.. my real names jordan... im 18... a musician... and i cant live my life because of anxiety and panic.