jane91
02-02-2012, 12:59 PM
I’m new here so I’m going to take a minute to introduce myself.
I’m a 20 year old living in Chicago, originally from the state of Indiana.
For as long as I can remember – from the time I was very young – I have struggled with anxiety. As I got older that general fear developed into OCD and depression.
I don’t really know an exact reason for why I’m like this. Part of its hereditary, I’m pretty sure, and the other part has to do with my past and growing up. I was sexually abused (sometimes violently, sometimes not) my whole life my multiple men in an associated with my family.
My anxiety in general started when I was a very young kid. Growing up I lived in fear most of the time. Some of the fears were realistic and others I’m sure weren’t. I was and still am afraid of the dark. And I also stuggle with flashbacks and anxiety attacks anytime I’m in a situation or see an object that triggers a memory of something that was done to me as a kid.
Also when I was pretty young I stated showing OCD tendancies and self-harming. Before I was 13, I remember that if my parents told me we were going out to a party or gathering where I knew some of the men who often hurt me might be, I would hit myself in the arms over and over to make bruises. I thought that if I hurt myself “enough” then I wouldn’t have to get hurt that night. If I was still sexually abused I would assume I didn’t do a good enough job. It became a ritual, and so did things like hand-washing, etc.
Around the age of 12-14 I became very depressed. I tried to kill myself and (thank God) it didn’t work. After that I just decided I should accept my life the way it was and I let the abuse go on. I numbed myself to it and tried not to let it bother me.
However, the older I got the more I started to blame myself about the abuse. I know that as a kid it wasn’t my fault, and that I tried to tell my mom but she didn’t listen. However, I can’t help but blame myself for letting it go on so long (until I was 19). I know I was old enough to stop it and I didn’t until I moved out. I also blame myself when I think of the other kids who have/might have been hurt physically and sexually like I was.
Guilt is my biggest issue and reason for depression.
I have never been on medication for it (my family mean well, but they don’t really understand mental disorders, even though a few of them suffer from their own) and I just started going to therapy now that I’ve moved out of my parents house.
I don’t just want to cope, I want to live life to the fullest. So far I’ve done my best not to ever let my fear and depression stop me, but I always have this feeling that at any moment it could all fall apart if I allow it too. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a building every day fighting the urge to jump, if that makes any sense. I’m here to learn from other people with similar problems.
I’m a 20 year old living in Chicago, originally from the state of Indiana.
For as long as I can remember – from the time I was very young – I have struggled with anxiety. As I got older that general fear developed into OCD and depression.
I don’t really know an exact reason for why I’m like this. Part of its hereditary, I’m pretty sure, and the other part has to do with my past and growing up. I was sexually abused (sometimes violently, sometimes not) my whole life my multiple men in an associated with my family.
My anxiety in general started when I was a very young kid. Growing up I lived in fear most of the time. Some of the fears were realistic and others I’m sure weren’t. I was and still am afraid of the dark. And I also stuggle with flashbacks and anxiety attacks anytime I’m in a situation or see an object that triggers a memory of something that was done to me as a kid.
Also when I was pretty young I stated showing OCD tendancies and self-harming. Before I was 13, I remember that if my parents told me we were going out to a party or gathering where I knew some of the men who often hurt me might be, I would hit myself in the arms over and over to make bruises. I thought that if I hurt myself “enough” then I wouldn’t have to get hurt that night. If I was still sexually abused I would assume I didn’t do a good enough job. It became a ritual, and so did things like hand-washing, etc.
Around the age of 12-14 I became very depressed. I tried to kill myself and (thank God) it didn’t work. After that I just decided I should accept my life the way it was and I let the abuse go on. I numbed myself to it and tried not to let it bother me.
However, the older I got the more I started to blame myself about the abuse. I know that as a kid it wasn’t my fault, and that I tried to tell my mom but she didn’t listen. However, I can’t help but blame myself for letting it go on so long (until I was 19). I know I was old enough to stop it and I didn’t until I moved out. I also blame myself when I think of the other kids who have/might have been hurt physically and sexually like I was.
Guilt is my biggest issue and reason for depression.
I have never been on medication for it (my family mean well, but they don’t really understand mental disorders, even though a few of them suffer from their own) and I just started going to therapy now that I’ve moved out of my parents house.
I don’t just want to cope, I want to live life to the fullest. So far I’ve done my best not to ever let my fear and depression stop me, but I always have this feeling that at any moment it could all fall apart if I allow it too. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a building every day fighting the urge to jump, if that makes any sense. I’m here to learn from other people with similar problems.